Part 2 creative differences.

Continued:

I am writing this down to record down my thoughts. It is to see whether I am making sense or not. Also it releases me from angst. I come to this blog Only when I am upset or depressed. If you haven't realized it already. It's my heart dartboard.

Part2 creative differences:
Many times, it's my strong preference for a certain style of doing something or way of doing things that irks others.

I think this is creative difference issue. Everyone likes different things, everyone thinks different things are shit. My constant bug is during an assignment or in a team collaborative, how much of my opinion is better than someone else?

Sure I might boast to have better portfolio/ grade to back my stance as a designer blah. But how much does it matter in a collaborative? How much objectivity is there when you are working with someone else really? Unless the other is a colleague or a professional, with heirarchy to articulate the position of me and another, i cannot seem to make out the outcome at the end of the day. I always end up making a conscious effort to accept what i make out as 'uglier' designs or wait for someone to realize him/herself that it is indeed an uglier design. I realized that group work slows me down as an artist. I wish u understand I have the right to say that.

You know when i work in a team, there will always be workload distribution. I am commonly shockd by the fifference in expectation and the level of intellext the choces made by some people. Adapting and comprehending the level of ignorance or slowness is a gripe I have with the general society.

I wonder if ever when I am given the big opportunity, would i be able to fitmyself beyond the level of people i am living in.

I tell them to write a write up, they write 10 words that explain nothing. Letting go of a 'better' look over an uglier look is often forced out of me. Though i am starting to realise that sonetimes i can be wrong. Other times I agree or am in love with someone else's style and would stick to that idea. Which happens a lot. I'm a fan boy sometimes.

Arguments are lame

In this quick fast moving world. Maybe just this even quicker faster period of time where my every thought process ripples move rapidly than ever, I have come to realize exactly, the kind of emotional environment I would want to have.

I find myself drawn to 2 things in which the first I would write today.

Firstly: People who can handle an argument.
I would say I offend people in an interesting way. People can't stand me cos I am stuck up/I am proud of myself. I am Fully conscious of it to the point that I always consciously TRY to restrain and also 'bite my tongue' to prevent myself from saying good things about what I am good at on appropriate moments. My talents are like a curse to keep. Like I am made to be humble and keep it low profile. Thing is, this is just conforming to social etiquette.

Sometimes it's just my opinion that people belittle with disgust and disregard. They think I think I know everything by saying what I say.
They cannot handle my wit or often direct feedback. sure. I sound like a smart ass. Or 'pig' as someone called me once for being honest. I have one thing to say for this. It's my opinion. I can be wrong. Tell me why I am wrong nicely. I might even agree with your reason.
I have a good friend who I confide with occasionally who I would say have gone into deep conversations with. He isn't passive. In fact he is more stubborn than me. This is only because of the fact that we both have a matured mutual understanding of each other's opinion. It is often hard to be at first but when phrases like ' I know where you are coming from' and 'I respect your perspective on the issue' comes in from me and you, The universe is in the palm of our hands I tell you, conversations become flowing tapestrys, beautiful, rich and insightful.

I wish people can reach this conversational plateau with me more often than I am getting right now. It's the only thing I look up for in people now.
Just about every other thing about people and their mannerisms suck.

But hey, that's my opinion.:)

dododo

WaveringI am beginning to, as mentioned the other day, feel that i somehow feel nothing refreshing with the likest of minds. on one hand, it only proves ‘sense’: a 'bounce-off each other' phenomenon.

Sense is not sense unless it made sense to people.

I am at a phase whereby i have began to realize that all of these thinking i do in general, actually barely affects real life: intellectual realisations hold no realistic ground when played out.

My reflections are all derived from insecurities and a restless mind. A personal grudge against the philanthropy of life; unfairness, sadness and other constants. despite being a step up from a simple recluse from the judging society, i see no development. instead, my reflections come to a dead end. skepticism and doubt does not induce a sustainable inner peace. it is coming to accept rather then resolving, which is a timid and small place to be in. Because it breeds cynicism and festers pessimism. It would be sad if it stalls like this. It is anticlimatic for my long process of squirming out of my confusion.

I think I lost sight in the pursuit of a personal recluse. I got distracted by the decomposing normacy of real life which I see no inner personal part of. I think of who I can meet to talk. But why do I need to prove sense in my thinking? Have I really pulled the plug on social obligations? Have I fully realised what I want to be? I had forgotten the weight of a fully conscious recluse which hold the answers to my problems. I desired to meet people. When will this inner desire ever end? It will never as a social being but this is where discipline comes in. I want to disappear properly for a whole week. No media, no world, no people. Me and a notebook. In a quiet corner. Next week. I will forsee the struggle to eliminate all social accountabilities. i struggle with handling loneliness. but i know of no better place in present time, than trying that.

I think sense is a separate consciousness. Sense is social integration. We come to terms and live with the conceptions of sense socially. The biggest mistake we perceive is a great relationship is transiently ‘meaningful’. A social life(relationships) is as empty as worldly materialism because all these are time based securities. By nature, it changes, dissolves and creates as time ticks. It festers and loops and stalls and goes to a point, it will never make sense.

On the other hand, the self or a god are timeless ideals, context free issues. Just like how interwoven the worldly and relationships are than we least expect them to be, god and the self are also pretty much gives the same effect. Since they are timeless, they are ‘meaningless’ in a worldly and relational time-based context. It’s easy to comprehend God and it’s transience but the self and transience is what I am dabbling into right now. I believe that investing in the self will reap an eternal understanding.

About how the mind can be different and how different the mind can be:

Sometimes I feel like a mountain with a swirling summit, thunderous and out of control up there. The summit's wrath is but all weather.

I am also, but a mountain in an immense terrain. Small in comparison. Comparisons? Comparison killed.

When I think of the world, I tend to think of how the world defines it; not in a cosmic sense but more of the latter, social sense.

It's a vein in me. In everyone. The weight of my insecurity becomes justifiable.

A cold towel of fear and embarrassment falls and hides me away under the cover of shadowy dreamlessness, uninspired and tiredness.

My thoughts are ironic as they multi-faceted yet personal, like the father in heaven Then I forget all these in the now - on the go - being.

How much mincing and selfishness does it take to empower and prove myself? I realized that the answer from this illusion would leave me uninspired.

Maybe the perpetually unprepared world is designed stupid where I am a flightless dodo bird, flapping ~ never getting to fly.

the irony of my recluse and the need to write this

1
I am stuck in this suspended state of a haunting hole which is my own creating: the irony of my recluse and the need to write this.i just finished my ureca. the report was submitted 2 days ago. this afternoon, i got my letter that confirmed my 1 year semester leave. i am officially free from school for a year. my adventure has just began. there is a tinge of uncertainty still, but these feelings are socially obligated and i should know better to overcome it.
would i miss school? my graphic design results this sem is a reminder of how my works that I love tend to get low grades and works that I hate get good grades. I wonder if indeed my style is actually marketable in design or is my style over-indulgent?

2.
my nights are getting more and more lonely. i feel that i am getting lonely and it’s only out of jealousy and not of a desire to get together with someone for real. its like i can be purely alone alone but never when there are people around me who seem so fine with people. i have yet to find someone who truely smart or crazy enough for me, to feel so. i have felt that way before abit, but i felt that investing time in people is a waste of time, cos its not like a video where you can go back and replay it. a relationship is like memories, where it collects in you but you cannot use the relationship to admire in it's form.
dont get me wrong, i am not jealous of the relationships i see. most i relationships that unfurl around me, and those that i know are pathetic. either the disillusioned girl who looks up to marriage as the happiest dope in the world and thinks she is on two feet when she is dying to lean on another, which makes her bound to fall. hard. and there is also the boy who jumps quick into one out of lust, and now finding hard to decide, harder to decide, now that she has fallen deep in love with him. seriously, they need to wake up.
but then there is me and the draining dreams, silly logics that work occasionally. i stuck out my hand. I didn't respond in the end because it was me giving in. It's darkness moving in the night. The impending self acceptance that felt like the time I warmed up to porn. its not what i should give in to. i am more. i can be more. i can be more artistic. and society cannot handle that less. and addressing darkness: I don't go finding cos I don't believe it. It should come find me and when i feel it, that's when I will believe it. it’s all part of the sad whisperings of mum yet waiting for her to die or my imagination of three friends who would die at their happiest.

i am beginning to feel a doubtful retraction within me. i felt boarded up by insecurities and a lack of at the bold decisions i made. (particularly the semester leave of absence.) i seem to systematically fail to realise the core reason as to why i want to take the jump, at the same time, i also do not want to continue living with the flow of my life i am so familiar with. I have come to know that it is just not me.

i have troubles trying to figure what is my next step, having made these bold decisions. I knew i had to do it. i couldn't go on if i didn't. i realised soon enough that it isn't to fill the time with what i expect and what others expect but to fill it with an understanding of what i really am in this world that i can fully comprehend - in hopes to be a satisfied, more mentally developed person, who can overcome fear confusion and sadness that runs rampant within me because of that lackthereof, more so than others.

in cambodia now. the slums, the dumps and their historical past are hard to unsee and i find it hard to take in that these are things of a world made by a loving god. where people preach of an apparent form of cosmic fairness that lie within the diseases and deaths. as much as possible these men say that these are because of mens sin. or something we have done upon ourselves. i think this is bullshit. get on the ground and see the children and know the truth. even mother theresa doubted if you read her biographical documents. because of this.

i would propose the ideal again, isnt suffering and sadness a constant in this world? when you have nothing, these two things will sieze you in more ways than one. in cambodia, reality hits you as hard as the sun and it's pain lingers like the cold from the rain. in the mission trip, what struck me wasnt God's presence really, but simply how different people in this world are with respect to how i live. i can as mentioned in older posts, how buddha could have came up with his reactionary stance that teaches a state of mind over any provisional god because a provisional god does not provide. it's men who provide.

i believe if the local church had not provided the humanitarian/emotional support and love for the slums, would the slums have ever improved if at all? maybe i am plain skeptical and i dont trust faith as much as you do. the only thing i believe about faith in god is it's vicegrip it can hold over people over basis of what people say as the truth. if you think about it, it doesn't even factor in the faith in the god that you believe in really. because clearly it isn't god telling you this, its what people tell you that god told you. which if you think further about it, is how the bible and what jesus claimed he was is. they are what we now consider as truth, based on what was told by people and through translation and heritage. we are actually believing and hearing what people say be resaid and rephrased and reintepretated and retranslated over and over again. should we ever consider the human side of religion. i am not even talking about the 'church' side of the human side of religion which is another whole other problem i have about it.

i swear i wished i wasn't so skeptical but i find it hard to trust people because personally, there are too many glaring wrongs in the Rights and if the world cannot see it, i will seek to see it myself and having achieve that would be the greatest thing anyone can achieve in the big life. i doubt in faith. i believe in a god that doesn't call for faith in His absence but reckon my devoted love with knowledge of His existence in a direct non translationary manner..

if faith ever works for you and had reaped any fruit, it probably is based on how you see things that have happened to you. i had mentioned it in my older posts about over-spritualisation. we often cannot distinguish spirituality from emotionality. and hell, they could even be the same thing. whatever that happens is intepreted based on whatever you know, the direct environment you are in and other factors. and it comes to a point where coincidence does not exist to christians. what is an act by god or not really, depends on your outlook. it depends on your own interpretation, its having faith in what you think hence is more of a faith in your own knowledge once again more than a faith in God. and when people hear it from your sharing, they have faith in what you say of the faith you have in what you think is an act of god.

so where am i going now, who should i trust? your own perception. your own self. because it is the channel and medium of all understanding. in a way as pagan and satanic as how 'you are your own god' sounds, it is true because your mind you belittle too often than not, dictates why you believe in what. and it's the determinant of who you are. sounds like a god figure more than anything else to me...

you see, too many people in this world suffer. naturally as humans in a human world, we want happiness and satisfaction with what society can provide us. But God is conceptualised/known to monopolize on this happiness, this be it a natural progression of human pysche as humans begin to see . its sacrifice, its recognizing you are indebted for life, its recognizing your life now, is really nothing. its an investment in something you are really not quite sure but by basis of faith in someone telling you it's true, by basis of an age old heritage of this religion. it is this concept i don't quite comprehend at the end, you are trusting what people say in faith of them rather than in faith of God. accounts of experience, accounts of miracles, accounts of visions are based on the honesty and on the translation of the sender to the receiver. this dictates every learned understanding. and in an extreme it makes me a skeptic. but it cannot be answered as the transient nature of spirituality and human thought is hard to discern. are they the same thing?

i am thinking: i find it hard to feel gods presence here. as how would these children who pick plastic bottles, run naked and fall sick, ever comprehend and recieve the provisional promise of jesus? surely they suffer by the evils of men but really, blaming people for their folly can trace back back to god as the source of creation. and he allowed this suffering for whatever reason his pleasure seeks. God is a jealous god. he needs to test us with choice/temptation/freewill etc. which honestly, i find it hard to comprehend.

i had enough with us judging humanity and criminalising societal settings. if it's as evil here as it is evil anywhere else where humans live, then it's part of us.

far away now, putting away anything i have in Singapore and all by myself, in bed, writing my mind out, i feel more peaceful. a mini sabbatical before the actual one back home. But it prepares me, how to be a better independent mind. how to believe in myself. having full knowledge of my own ability. if this is a success, I will make more extreme bold decisions in the future for the betterment of myself as really, i see no fit in the society i live in. i blamed everything, god, friends, life... but i didn't know life out of singapore was more real than anywhere else. i felt disillusioned in a disillusioned world. i

mother

once again, my family, primarily my mom, really cooked up a massive party, this time my younger brother's birthday. I really wonder what in my mother does she really feel happy over, spending close to a thousand plus on about 70 people, family and friends- coming together for a celebration filled with food and laughter and games. where they eat, sit about and enjoy lavishly then leave. and we plan, host and clear their mess. she is always ensuring everyone is having a good time, over her own. what is this large giving character that she has got that i cannot simply comprehend, for other people's happiness? and we are not as well to do as many others. where does this come from really? what does she see in this. well for one, i can say maybe, it's face or pride/conviction of this tan family. it might be political hence, to show off says a demeaning cynist. Haters gonna hate. But really. it bugs me and i just dont understand this.

she said before she is just doing this to set a good example. on the other hand she is really afraid of God and sees this as doing good for the lesser fortunated families some if whom which are present. either way, i feel in a greater sense, she gets a joy and satisfaction in the act of giving and providing for people, that elludes way more diaphanously than any other joys and satisfactions. i will sleep tonight, wondering in the awe, respect and also, confusion of what my mother is...

a convicted reflection

I discussed some of my concerns with my cell today. (of course, my cell is in a state whereby everything i say would give them a headache although i know they do try to listen me out.)

I talked about how Christians tend to overspiritualize everything. for example like say i fall, in what state of mind would i assume or figure that it is a divine intervention/sign/vision/spiritual attack? To me, I say, it is all up to our mental state of mind. My cell clearly disagreed with me, saying it's God's will.

But at the end of our sharings of real life examples, i noted that they were actually unsure. after sharing, actually, saying it out loud once again, only then do they begin to doubt. as if their mind, or simply when worded out, shakes their presumption. (so was i right about how the only constant in life also includes doubt here?) what then, is spirituality if it isnt governed by our state of mind?

if i wasn't going on a mission trip on monday, would i think that my flu today is a spiritual attack? sometimes it depends on your relationship with God. well surely. thus, it all boils down to the YOU. the SELF. the person which is the vessel for all things, the medium for all things.

in that also, I have came to acknowledge that the term 'coincidence' no longer exists in a Christian understanding of presupposition.

I told them after that, to know yourself first, be clear about what you want in life, be clear about your thoughts, before jumping into the other three: relationships, god and the worldly. put it in priority. i feel that in general, people do not put themselves first. trend shows that people put relationships first which is silly cos relationships is another life to suport. if you cannot fully appreciate your inner self, why try to appreciate another? you will fuck it up. similarly, if you cannot fully comprehend yourself, your faith will be a convenient filler in everything you dont understand/fear about your life. which makes God your slave provider. you wont love God for the right reasons.

people now would begin to say hey too much self makes you arrogant. i think it's a rubbish accusation. whats there to be arrogant about knowing yourself. i choose to believe i am convicted in what i believe in than arrogant.

Arrogance sometimes works both ways.

Example:
Paul says people who are fashion conscious are arrogant cos they dress up and show off/worldly and materialistic. Paul doesnt bother to dress up at all. In that right, Paul is arrogant thinking he is better off than the fashionable himself in the other extreme. Putting him in the same ranks as the 'arrogant fashionistas' he so detests. He is no different. His own 'cheap' 'anti' fashion is a statement as evokative as a Hermes Birkin or a Branded suit.

This arrogance complex is same between:
android users and mac users
atheists and religion
many many more but could be bothered to add here. You get my point.

Even if i seem arrogant, I am proud to know who i am as much as you are proud you know that God dictates more than I give credit to. which in both ways, are pride. or conviction. which ever you choose to prefer.

THEN, there are those in my cell who wont even listen to what i say and laugh or say shut up, which i think it isnt their fault. not everyone are honestly, HONESTLY: thoughtful enough/intellectual enough/bothered enough to think about this at all. i would really, let them lumber on in life, let them fall into the cracks,cos really... this is the best they can achieve in life/mental state and this is -really- how e majority of humans just are. and the world moves on.

To the similar minded, I do seem idealistic. But i think you are assuming things on a destination basis once again. (Ideal presupposes a finality)

I see my search for self ultimately as a journey/a change. It never ends, its always evolving and volatile. And in that beauty of my mind, I embrace it and move. I feel so darn satisfied. :)

Meditate on these set of words.

1. God. Self. Relationships. Worldliness. (Think in terms of us as needy humans.)
2. Suffering. Sadness. Happiness. (Think about which is our constant/destination/a process.)
3. Compromise. Reciprocation. (Think in perspective of relationships.)
4. Reassurance. State of mind. (Think of the nature of our every doing.)
5. Arrogance. Conviction. (Think of it as the same thing.)
6. Certainty. Doubt. (Think of which is our constant/destination/process.)

suffering and fear

Today I had a rather wholesome conversation with two female school mates who were suntanning while I swam. (I will never swim there again NTU pool. Pervy men hanging out in toiilet.) anyway We 3 subsequenlty met for a meal. our conversation led to a discussion on religion (somehow, whether I initiate such discussions or not, it pops up as if everyone questions it like me. do they?)

One was a free thinker. The other was a muslim. We agreed on more things than one.

Thru the 3 hours of talk, I had gained some fresh insight. I think by far, i have recognized that often in our pursuit for happiness,we fallen short of knowing what really gives you long-term h. happiness, or we get too distracted by the more attractive ones. (I always laughed at the feeble behaviors of the the lost humans playing out their life settling for less in everything(whether be it in naivety or choice), getting shitupass eventually.) I sometimes want to slap them for being so disillusioned, but I have no right to. and besides these beings are the majority, so socially, I am mad. Remember to many humans, I don't like to talk to people. I'm mad. I don't like what you like. I'm mad. I quit facebook. I'm mad. Okay.

Happiness and Religion
We talked. We said how everyone needs a religion (everyone desires for a provider to alleviate suffering and fear.). Happiness in religion. It comes in form of 'happiest only after death'(Making Christians the 'saddest' people in the world. In some sense also, a morbid belief.) or in other cases simply 'dealing with the now'. (Making T. Buddhists the happiest people in the world. But it ends there.)

We talked about people and the self.
People cannot be depended on. Relationships be it love or friendship, has a few flaws. Affection. Reciprocation. Compromise. (I have blogged about this before refer back.) In some way self-love really is really the best love. But my friend asserted that we all still need people to tell you you are awesome sometimes. thus answering a blogpost i wrote a few days ago about why we seem to need reassurance from people all the time../ why we need ppl in our lives.

Emotions at the end of the day, is the root of all problems. Our existence circumbulate around it. We persue happiness yes. But we are also perpetually plagued by 2 other emotions. Suffering and fear are two aspects of life that really fucks this world up. They destroyed religion/Made religion what it is too. They destroyed human interaction/generated human interaction too. They also destroyed happiness. I think the world revolves around suffering and fear. I think that it is these out of of all things I see that denies me from being able to comprehend a caring God.

Until I fully understand WHY, I will not let it sweep under the carpet of faith. I will either try to piece the puzzle or simple find a way to overcome it via emotion versus emotion. Inner Strength. Never belittle it.