mother

once again, my family, primarily my mom, really cooked up a massive party, this time my younger brother's birthday. I really wonder what in my mother does she really feel happy over, spending close to a thousand plus on about 70 people, family and friends- coming together for a celebration filled with food and laughter and games. where they eat, sit about and enjoy lavishly then leave. and we plan, host and clear their mess. she is always ensuring everyone is having a good time, over her own. what is this large giving character that she has got that i cannot simply comprehend, for other people's happiness? and we are not as well to do as many others. where does this come from really? what does she see in this. well for one, i can say maybe, it's face or pride/conviction of this tan family. it might be political hence, to show off says a demeaning cynist. Haters gonna hate. But really. it bugs me and i just dont understand this.

she said before she is just doing this to set a good example. on the other hand she is really afraid of God and sees this as doing good for the lesser fortunated families some if whom which are present. either way, i feel in a greater sense, she gets a joy and satisfaction in the act of giving and providing for people, that elludes way more diaphanously than any other joys and satisfactions. i will sleep tonight, wondering in the awe, respect and also, confusion of what my mother is...

a convicted reflection

I discussed some of my concerns with my cell today. (of course, my cell is in a state whereby everything i say would give them a headache although i know they do try to listen me out.)

I talked about how Christians tend to overspiritualize everything. for example like say i fall, in what state of mind would i assume or figure that it is a divine intervention/sign/vision/spiritual attack? To me, I say, it is all up to our mental state of mind. My cell clearly disagreed with me, saying it's God's will.

But at the end of our sharings of real life examples, i noted that they were actually unsure. after sharing, actually, saying it out loud once again, only then do they begin to doubt. as if their mind, or simply when worded out, shakes their presumption. (so was i right about how the only constant in life also includes doubt here?) what then, is spirituality if it isnt governed by our state of mind?

if i wasn't going on a mission trip on monday, would i think that my flu today is a spiritual attack? sometimes it depends on your relationship with God. well surely. thus, it all boils down to the YOU. the SELF. the person which is the vessel for all things, the medium for all things.

in that also, I have came to acknowledge that the term 'coincidence' no longer exists in a Christian understanding of presupposition.

I told them after that, to know yourself first, be clear about what you want in life, be clear about your thoughts, before jumping into the other three: relationships, god and the worldly. put it in priority. i feel that in general, people do not put themselves first. trend shows that people put relationships first which is silly cos relationships is another life to suport. if you cannot fully appreciate your inner self, why try to appreciate another? you will fuck it up. similarly, if you cannot fully comprehend yourself, your faith will be a convenient filler in everything you dont understand/fear about your life. which makes God your slave provider. you wont love God for the right reasons.

people now would begin to say hey too much self makes you arrogant. i think it's a rubbish accusation. whats there to be arrogant about knowing yourself. i choose to believe i am convicted in what i believe in than arrogant.

Arrogance sometimes works both ways.

Example:
Paul says people who are fashion conscious are arrogant cos they dress up and show off/worldly and materialistic. Paul doesnt bother to dress up at all. In that right, Paul is arrogant thinking he is better off than the fashionable himself in the other extreme. Putting him in the same ranks as the 'arrogant fashionistas' he so detests. He is no different. His own 'cheap' 'anti' fashion is a statement as evokative as a Hermes Birkin or a Branded suit.

This arrogance complex is same between:
android users and mac users
atheists and religion
many many more but could be bothered to add here. You get my point.

Even if i seem arrogant, I am proud to know who i am as much as you are proud you know that God dictates more than I give credit to. which in both ways, are pride. or conviction. which ever you choose to prefer.

THEN, there are those in my cell who wont even listen to what i say and laugh or say shut up, which i think it isnt their fault. not everyone are honestly, HONESTLY: thoughtful enough/intellectual enough/bothered enough to think about this at all. i would really, let them lumber on in life, let them fall into the cracks,cos really... this is the best they can achieve in life/mental state and this is -really- how e majority of humans just are. and the world moves on.

To the similar minded, I do seem idealistic. But i think you are assuming things on a destination basis once again. (Ideal presupposes a finality)

I see my search for self ultimately as a journey/a change. It never ends, its always evolving and volatile. And in that beauty of my mind, I embrace it and move. I feel so darn satisfied. :)

Meditate on these set of words.

1. God. Self. Relationships. Worldliness. (Think in terms of us as needy humans.)
2. Suffering. Sadness. Happiness. (Think about which is our constant/destination/a process.)
3. Compromise. Reciprocation. (Think in perspective of relationships.)
4. Reassurance. State of mind. (Think of the nature of our every doing.)
5. Arrogance. Conviction. (Think of it as the same thing.)
6. Certainty. Doubt. (Think of which is our constant/destination/process.)

suffering and fear

Today I had a rather wholesome conversation with two female school mates who were suntanning while I swam. (I will never swim there again NTU pool. Pervy men hanging out in toiilet.) anyway We 3 subsequenlty met for a meal. our conversation led to a discussion on religion (somehow, whether I initiate such discussions or not, it pops up as if everyone questions it like me. do they?)

One was a free thinker. The other was a muslim. We agreed on more things than one.

Thru the 3 hours of talk, I had gained some fresh insight. I think by far, i have recognized that often in our pursuit for happiness,we fallen short of knowing what really gives you long-term h. happiness, or we get too distracted by the more attractive ones. (I always laughed at the feeble behaviors of the the lost humans playing out their life settling for less in everything(whether be it in naivety or choice), getting shitupass eventually.) I sometimes want to slap them for being so disillusioned, but I have no right to. and besides these beings are the majority, so socially, I am mad. Remember to many humans, I don't like to talk to people. I'm mad. I don't like what you like. I'm mad. I quit facebook. I'm mad. Okay.

Happiness and Religion
We talked. We said how everyone needs a religion (everyone desires for a provider to alleviate suffering and fear.). Happiness in religion. It comes in form of 'happiest only after death'(Making Christians the 'saddest' people in the world. In some sense also, a morbid belief.) or in other cases simply 'dealing with the now'. (Making T. Buddhists the happiest people in the world. But it ends there.)

We talked about people and the self.
People cannot be depended on. Relationships be it love or friendship, has a few flaws. Affection. Reciprocation. Compromise. (I have blogged about this before refer back.) In some way self-love really is really the best love. But my friend asserted that we all still need people to tell you you are awesome sometimes. thus answering a blogpost i wrote a few days ago about why we seem to need reassurance from people all the time../ why we need ppl in our lives.

Emotions at the end of the day, is the root of all problems. Our existence circumbulate around it. We persue happiness yes. But we are also perpetually plagued by 2 other emotions. Suffering and fear are two aspects of life that really fucks this world up. They destroyed religion/Made religion what it is too. They destroyed human interaction/generated human interaction too. They also destroyed happiness. I think the world revolves around suffering and fear. I think that it is these out of of all things I see that denies me from being able to comprehend a caring God.

Until I fully understand WHY, I will not let it sweep under the carpet of faith. I will either try to piece the puzzle or simple find a way to overcome it via emotion versus emotion. Inner Strength. Never belittle it.

Just a day before my official meet up with the chairperson of my school, I am here to consolidate my thoughts. I think at this current moment of my life, I am at my most courageous. I am with most creative energy. I am not constricted by any stakes or fear of loss. In a way over-zealous, sometimes too far off but I have always known myself to not dare. Timid. Procrastinate. If I want to travel I travel. Myself. If I want to stop school and do my own stuff, I stop school and do my own stuff. I don't need to be afriad of getting things done my way, how often do i do things my way, if at all? I stand before many doubters and find myself unable to substantiate my ability, despite mty inner trust in my own ability, that I am really good at some things. I need a year to prove I can do things and do things really well. If all fails, I 'd be humbled.

I would get a job. Prefably in the design industry in which I would pive them a generous proposition to hire me. If not, I would get a job that earns me cash. With the cash, I would empower myself to do stuff.
Depending on the amount of time I would have, I would embark on various personal projects. Some with others, some self-discovery and indulgent. These things might be flimsy as of now, but i know it will help me clarify exactly what I want to do.

Somehow, I see the only path as to work in a design agency. But then do i have the cuts to set up my own? I heard its tough without at least interning in one. But who is therre to set the rules? You? Me?
My personal side is stepping into a threshold new and exciting. I am newly empowered, somehow, by so many things around me. I feel smarter, more stable but at the same time, I feel like I am more eccentric than ever before, meaning, my creative energy is brooding. I want to dabble into narratives, philosophy as well as craft.

Below is the email I sent to the office, in which succeeded to get me the interview.

Hi XXX,

I hope this email reaches you well.

I am the viscomm student who is applying for the Semester Leave of Absence starting next semester. I approached the office on 20th May. I was notified by the office that I would have to email my plans and work commitments for the 1 year of leave. If I sent this email to the wrong person, ignore this message. If not, here is my reason and my plans.

MAIN REASON
I felt that I would be wasting my next two years if I have not tried or figured out exactly which of my interests is what I really want to focus on. Because of this, I am feeling uninspired and I felt the time to stop and reboot is now (not after I graduate) cos I would end up doing confused rubbish for the next few years and rush to complete a degree I am passionate but vague about. This is not rash, I have been thinking about this for a long time. Some tutors have given me their support for this decision. It came to a point last semester that it's no longer because I am not sure of what I want but rather I have no time to try and ascertain.

So here is a list of plans, some already secured, some still in the works of execusion. There are more things I would dabble in but here is some plans already in my calender.

• Start a design company I am in the talks of already, called 'Mien' with 2 graduates. We plan to focus on creating designs that link up with charity organisations.
• Pitching a comic book collaborative series to publisher in hopes to work with local comic artist of similar philosophy, YeZhen. He has 5 volumes already selling in comic stores in singapore and would seek his mentorship for mine. (http://ec2-75-101-141-176.compute-1.amazonaws.com/yezhen/)
• Finish off my directorial debut film project I did with the year three going on year four batch of students.
• Create a line of design works with Ms Chan LiPing, Local Art curator and Educator, already in the phase of planning with her. (http://atactileshow.wordpress.com/)
• Resume some commissioned work I was approached by local bakery goods company early last break, Red Man Products (Phoon Huat), to repackage their baking products.
• To work in a book store, Birds & Co. in hopes to lend a hand in their designs of peripherals they design and sell.

There are a few companies I plan to contact for an internship as well. (I am aware of the internship programmes available in my breaks.) I am in the process of finalising my portfolio in which they would eventually access. Some companies I have kept my eye on are:

• Bravo Company
• &Larry
• Underscore
• JUICE

Other than these I also plan to travel and also write a book. After this year of experimentation, I will return to finish my degree, hopefully, have a clearer idea of whether I want to be an illustrator, a designer, artist, writer, entreprenuer or something else. If I need to be spoken to, or have any queries about my intentions, do feel free to call me or arrange a meet up in school.

Buddha is my answer

As some of you might have realised I was forced to study some asian cultures and had stumbled upon the beautiful and attractive conception of Buddha. While I was reading the history of these religions, Buddhism somehow struck a chord within me. It was as if, it knew exactly what I wanted and needed. I didnt need a God who provides for me (if he actually does or not is another ball), I needed to know how to live in this world, in a way that blesses myself and people around me and through it, knock down every suffering. Buddhism seem to revolve on that. It is the very ideal intellectual and personal spirituality I have always sought and somehow subconsciously, my thoughts have aligned some of Budhha's teachings about inner self as well. It is scary but true! I find myself appreciated for my thoughts rather than to merely listen and recognise I am indebted since I was born cos i sin… I feel liberated by the fear and I feel inspired and I feel i am able to achieve a very tangible discourse for my life. I used to think it was a silly religion but I realised how silly mine is as well.

The email I sent to the trippers, is full of irony and poetic sarcasm. I doubt many of my blind friends get my flow but if those do, I hope you guys will forgive my folly as it was never something I wanted to make fun of but rather, this conception in itself had always bugged me. Buddhism simply strengthened my inner persuits. All my recent blog posts about inner strength yada yada seem to be the way buddha moved towards and I do see nirvada coming. its as if i'm at the 2nd tier of the triloka.

Do read it and you will understand me.

Hi all,

Since I have learnt abit about the Khmer culture, I might as well share with you guys about some background I have learnt about the Khmer culture and religion so that we can contextualise our sharings and lessons to counter these long standing traditions. Buddhism isnt an easy demon to slay! But with the power of God we can.

Be prepared. Wear your breastplate!

of righteousness of course!

Khmer Buddhism

Thevasaran Buddhism is their main religion. 96% of total population is said to believe in it.

Theravadan Buddhism is the original strand of Buddhist beliefs. It focuses on Buddha and his teachings and less of his other personifications(Mahayanese Buddhism).

Theravadan buddhism do not worship buddha. They venerate and respect him in an great manner. Mahayanese (Tibet etc) Buddhism however believes that Buddha is indeed a god.

Theravadan is more so a way of life than a religion per sae.

We need to know that Buddhism is a reactionary belief to all religions in general.

Buddhism, is a post-hinduistic belief. It revolves around the idea that religion has failed to give answers despite it's promises as suffering persists in this world.

It questions our bedrock of a provisional God who in the harshest reality seem not to provide despite his power to. Read the extract of their sutra. Quite sad:

He who has eyes can see the sickening sight;

Why does not Brahma [equivalent to creator God idea] set his creatures right?

If his wide power no limit can restrain [if he is omnipresent and omnipotent],

Why is his hand so rarely spread to bless?

Why are all his creatures condemned to pain?

Why does he not to all give happiness?

Why do fraud, lies, and ignorance prevail [if he is omni-benevolent]?

Why triumphs falsehood — truth and justice fail?

I count your Brahma one the unjust among

Who made a world in which to shelter wrong.

- Bhuridatta Jataka, No. 453 Buddhistic Scripture

Buddhism also claims it doesnt seek to replace any religion but rather it simply teaches you everything to become self sufficient, satisfied and independant. Like gautama buddha did.

Technically, buddhism can work within religions because it is not one and works in a different path. Some religions like hinduism have came to embrace it with open arms.

Buddhism can readily work within Christianity but Monothestic Christianity cannot work with Buddhism. (Make this clear to the khmer buddhists cos they won't know.)

Buddhism recognizes and faces the unfairness and poverty of the world more so than any other religion because Buddhism begins with it. It's watershed moment is called Gautama 's departure.

Summerized-ly, Gautama walked out of his temple grounds and met 4 different people, a monk, a sick, a dying and a dead. Shocked and inspired, he departed his princehood and led an ascetic life in quest to search for answers. Why is there suffering in this world even with gods? In his deep meditation and contemplation to find out why, he subsequently achieves what is called nirvana which is in it's own way - an answer to suffering.

Nirvana

Nirvana or enlightenment is a resolution to compensate the disillusionment or the answers no one had ever been able to answer. Anyone can achieve their own nirvana if they put in the effort to think.

Here, buddhism becomes an intellectual belief.

Nirvana is every clever reason you use to tell to desensitize the actual emotion of suffering/watching people suffer. It can be a state of mind, it can be a detachment, it can be telling yourself to move on.

Buddism isnt based on faith by any form. Remember their 'faith' in faith has been shaken by years of unimaginable unreasonable suffering. Buddhism is a confidence in oneself. It is a belief in your self basically, a way of life, a state of mind to live.

Sadly, Christians use the Karma card too often saying "Oh, buddhism is all about doing good deeds.. retarded right?." In actuality, what we percieve about being good and avoiding doing bad things is more like our concept of 'Christ-likeness' and 'sin' than any thevasaran buddhist idea of deeds/karma. For that we need to humble ourselves down abit.

Buddha was supposedly compassionate, calm and gentle. And that composure or character of buddha is a personality followers adopt and live by. Like a cosmic role-model. Buddhism is really based on understanding humanity and a form of righteous living.

To buddhists, indulging in good things in life and avoiding the bad, is purely to make you a happier peaceful person in this bad world & helps alleviate others around you from their suffering at the same time. They believe unlike the christian idea of being happiest only in heaven, they believe you can be veryy happy here on earth too.

Nirvana is thus, to buddhists the answer to all suffering as it compansates it with a resultant clearer post-meditated state of mind and a personality that circumbulates around gracious living.

So when we go there, the poorest, diseased and hopeless might be full of joy, satisfaction and hopeful even. With Buddhism, many don't need any god to live on, on a purely secular ideal.

In a way budhhism works best for their archaic & timeless primary target group, the poor and helpless. I fear the challenge really, for christians to shake this stronghold. I fear us youths do not have the capacity to comprehend the spiritual warfare. We dont feel much desperation maybe cos we have not lived with nothing, had our family killed in front of us or face any threat of starvation to understand what a real test of faith really means. Seeing the killing fields there is one thing. Having experienced the killing fields is another.

Remember, fundementally, Jesus Christ(or any God) to them, is a provider who doesnt provide, all seeing but doesnt see, all knowing but indifferent. To them, Buddha doesnt promise provision but simply~ inspires. Because of the focus on the inner self, Buddhism's rituals and practices seem more spiritual and fulfilling/appropriate than our 'americanized' attempts.

How do we tell people who have given up on a provisional God, to believe in a provisional God again?

1. We show them how God will really solve their problems.

2. We remind them that all suffering is for a reason. (Lee Strobel)

Buddhists are strong people because their religion is not fear driven but inner strength driven. Consider their Khmer rougue/ the pre-angkorian wars. they are indebted directly by social issues to fret over let alone time for an additional divine obligation. When we tell them to have faith in our God, their Buddhist survival instincts which is essentially theoretically nothing(Arupaloka) but to them it's okay, it's enough.

Thankfully, many cambodians are not too clear about the dogma of their belief, considering they are uneducated. We can make use of this fact. Jehovah Jireh conception might hence be new particularly to the young and a very ideal golden ticket out of suffering. A quick and easier way out. We might reap a harvest. But be firm about that allure. The fact that after a sustained period of time, if God isn't alleviating their suffering, Buddha returns to them as their old friend. How do we prevent that?

This is a spiritual war and we are at a losing end no doubt, in cambodia, their strongholds are theoretically more sensible earthly-wise and caters more directly to their suffering more than ours. We need to pray and have faith in God and pray everyday that He can give us a wisdom beyond Prajnaparagmita, show that His compassion flows more diaphorously than Avalokiteshvara, Provide more than Ganesha.

We need to have a strength beyond their strengths, a superhuman feat only acquired by a superhuman Being. Something we have and they don't. We have Jesus!

-end! lol.

If I return from Cambodia alive and unchanged, I will go to SIngapore Buddhist Youth Mission group and talk to some of the kids there. I am not kidding. They seem to be a very intelligent bunch, glancing at their blog http://sbmyouth.blogspot.com/

I do hope this discovery is a step forward to understand what life is all about. I am just glad i have an open mind.

persuation nation

i think sometimes, i am a ticking timebomb the way i handle things. like i feel that i can segregate myself and organise my existance in a way that works for this real world. but somehow i do feel that someday, everything will crumble into one big mess. on one part, it's all how i handle it, on another part, it's reassuring at the very least because my idea of how things should be is much more tangible and self-supporting than what people base their lives on. cos how i live today is really all about reassurance and convincing. if christians can suppress the secular i can suppress the very ideology and emotions that frame what i see as 'inappropriate' for the figure i envision myself to be in the future. i really see the ill-disciplined, emotion-centric, infatuation-obsessed, mentally-lumbering individuals that pollute this world with their existance. it'slike in this world, they really don't know what they want to achieve in this life. they might want what i want but they are just not passionate as me. then, they call me crazy. i might be just that brand of crazy they say i am, but i have a clear conscience and a clear state of mind. i am not afraid and will face things headstrong.

frenzied composure

i am unsure why i freeze up just when i have begun to feel the inner strentgth to be what i want to be.

my mind fizzles out, numbing itself consciously by heavy indulgences and mindlessness that fill a void in which i have always thought was ideas and inspired thought. i am a thin leaf blown about the wind. i lost my anchor, the stronghold i know i have within myself, a fighting spirit.

i really need to begin eleminating these strongholds. these jealousy and these expectations of worldy desires i can live without. i need to dissolve google news, american pop culture, television and the newspapers. when i rest, i will excercise. when i am not i will draw work and create.

i consciously want to run away, i think if you read my last few posts, you can feel that on varied extremes. i think sometimes when i am at my 'craziest', you find me being dangerorously frenzied. heightened awareness and the addiction to my own wit. noone will get me down nooone will be any less right than i am. why i want this i dont know. because i know at the end of the day i want to be closest to myself, found my standing and walk unshken by the shrills and bells of popular culture sucktioned onto every young person in the world, making them talk, and look and think shit.

i want to write about clauses, theories and philosophies that may be true to the way we function. social sciences that doesnt have a proper definition of anything. i like th process of guessing and figuring out. it makes me accept who i am and makes me accept the world, flawful as it is.

i see the amount of optential i have thus, the things that ight flow out from my mind, words, images and designs that could shake the world whether anyone else believe it or not. but at the same time, i want to dissapear from this ugly world as fast as far as possible. i want to recluse and di deeper into my inner self. i studied and realised how buddha seem to have felt the same feelings and went into his own recluse himself and went on to teach others about what he has learnt. it is too scarily similar to my own plight for my own comfort. regardless, buddha struck a cord with me not in a religious sense but of a personally affiliation.

i wonder what i might be in years to come, with these developments in my mind.

exam hovers in a day.

i am doing alright, just struggling to concentrate. after this day, I would be juggling completoin of my final report for ureca, planning my trip to cambodia and lastly my quitting school application. kinda afraid of stepping out. moving forward with some plans, but my mind flutters and fluctuates so muhc on the past, fears that breed on nothing, things i know won't matter… i need to get myself to wake up and push on so here's a declaration.

qtn:

why do humans need social reassurance to walk confidently?