i am beginning to feel a doubtful retraction within me. i felt boarded up by insecurities and a lack of at the bold decisions i made. (particularly the semester leave of absence.) i seem to systematically fail to realise the core reason as to why i want to take the jump, at the same time, i also do not want to continue living with the flow of my life i am so familiar with. I have come to know that it is just not me.
i have troubles trying to figure what is my next step, having made these bold decisions. I knew i had to do it. i couldn't go on if i didn't. i realised soon enough that it isn't to fill the time with what i expect and what others expect but to fill it with an understanding of what i really am in this world that i can fully comprehend - in hopes to be a satisfied, more mentally developed person, who can overcome fear confusion and sadness that runs rampant within me because of that lackthereof, more so than others.
in cambodia now. the slums, the dumps and their historical past are hard to unsee and i find it hard to take in that these are things of a world made by a loving god. where people preach of an apparent form of cosmic fairness that lie within the diseases and deaths. as much as possible these men say that these are because of mens sin. or something we have done upon ourselves. i think this is bullshit. get on the ground and see the children and know the truth. even mother theresa doubted if you read her biographical documents. because of this.
i would propose the ideal again, isnt suffering and sadness a constant in this world? when you have nothing, these two things will sieze you in more ways than one. in cambodia, reality hits you as hard as the sun and it's pain lingers like the cold from the rain. in the mission trip, what struck me wasnt God's presence really, but simply how different people in this world are with respect to how i live. i can as mentioned in older posts, how buddha could have came up with his reactionary stance that teaches a state of mind over any provisional god because a provisional god does not provide. it's men who provide.
i believe if the local church had not provided the humanitarian/emotional support and love for the slums, would the slums have ever improved if at all? maybe i am plain skeptical and i dont trust faith as much as you do. the only thing i believe about faith in god is it's vicegrip it can hold over people over basis of what people say as the truth. if you think about it, it doesn't even factor in the faith in the god that you believe in really. because clearly it isn't god telling you this, its what people tell you that god told you. which if you think further about it, is how the bible and what jesus claimed he was is. they are what we now consider as truth, based on what was told by people and through translation and heritage. we are actually believing and hearing what people say be resaid and rephrased and reintepretated and retranslated over and over again. should we ever consider the human side of religion. i am not even talking about the 'church' side of the human side of religion which is another whole other problem i have about it.
i swear i wished i wasn't so skeptical but i find it hard to trust people because personally, there are too many glaring wrongs in the Rights and if the world cannot see it, i will seek to see it myself and having achieve that would be the greatest thing anyone can achieve in the big life. i doubt in faith. i believe in a god that doesn't call for faith in His absence but reckon my devoted love with knowledge of His existence in a direct non translationary manner..
if faith ever works for you and had reaped any fruit, it probably is based on how you see things that have happened to you. i had mentioned it in my older posts about over-spritualisation. we often cannot distinguish spirituality from emotionality. and hell, they could even be the same thing. whatever that happens is intepreted based on whatever you know, the direct environment you are in and other factors. and it comes to a point where coincidence does not exist to christians. what is an act by god or not really, depends on your outlook. it depends on your own interpretation, its having faith in what you think hence is more of a faith in your own knowledge once again more than a faith in God. and when people hear it from your sharing, they have faith in what you say of the faith you have in what you think is an act of god.
so where am i going now, who should i trust? your own perception. your own self. because it is the channel and medium of all understanding. in a way as pagan and satanic as how 'you are your own god' sounds, it is true because your mind you belittle too often than not, dictates why you believe in what. and it's the determinant of who you are. sounds like a god figure more than anything else to me...
you see, too many people in this world suffer. naturally as humans in a human world, we want happiness and satisfaction with what society can provide us. But God is conceptualised/known to monopolize on this happiness, this be it a natural progression of human pysche as humans begin to see . its sacrifice, its recognizing you are indebted for life, its recognizing your life now, is really nothing. its an investment in something you are really not quite sure but by basis of faith in someone telling you it's true, by basis of an age old heritage of this religion. it is this concept i don't quite comprehend at the end, you are trusting what people say in faith of them rather than in faith of God. accounts of experience, accounts of miracles, accounts of visions are based on the honesty and on the translation of the sender to the receiver. this dictates every learned understanding. and in an extreme it makes me a skeptic. but it cannot be answered as the transient nature of spirituality and human thought is hard to discern. are they the same thing?
i am thinking: i find it hard to feel gods presence here. as how would these children who pick plastic bottles, run naked and fall sick, ever comprehend and recieve the provisional promise of jesus? surely they suffer by the evils of men but really, blaming people for their folly can trace back back to god as the source of creation. and he allowed this suffering for whatever reason his pleasure seeks. God is a jealous god. he needs to test us with choice/temptation/freewill etc. which honestly, i find it hard to comprehend.
i had enough with us judging humanity and criminalising societal settings. if it's as evil here as it is evil anywhere else where humans live, then it's part of us.
far away now, putting away anything i have in Singapore and all by myself, in bed, writing my mind out, i feel more peaceful. a mini sabbatical before the actual one back home. But it prepares me, how to be a better independent mind. how to believe in myself. having full knowledge of my own ability. if this is a success, I will make more extreme bold decisions in the future for the betterment of myself as really, i see no fit in the society i live in. i blamed everything, god, friends, life... but i didn't know life out of singapore was more real than anywhere else. i felt disillusioned in a disillusioned world. i
