dododo

WaveringI am beginning to, as mentioned the other day, feel that i somehow feel nothing refreshing with the likest of minds. on one hand, it only proves ‘sense’: a 'bounce-off each other' phenomenon.

Sense is not sense unless it made sense to people.

I am at a phase whereby i have began to realize that all of these thinking i do in general, actually barely affects real life: intellectual realisations hold no realistic ground when played out.

My reflections are all derived from insecurities and a restless mind. A personal grudge against the philanthropy of life; unfairness, sadness and other constants. despite being a step up from a simple recluse from the judging society, i see no development. instead, my reflections come to a dead end. skepticism and doubt does not induce a sustainable inner peace. it is coming to accept rather then resolving, which is a timid and small place to be in. Because it breeds cynicism and festers pessimism. It would be sad if it stalls like this. It is anticlimatic for my long process of squirming out of my confusion.

I think I lost sight in the pursuit of a personal recluse. I got distracted by the decomposing normacy of real life which I see no inner personal part of. I think of who I can meet to talk. But why do I need to prove sense in my thinking? Have I really pulled the plug on social obligations? Have I fully realised what I want to be? I had forgotten the weight of a fully conscious recluse which hold the answers to my problems. I desired to meet people. When will this inner desire ever end? It will never as a social being but this is where discipline comes in. I want to disappear properly for a whole week. No media, no world, no people. Me and a notebook. In a quiet corner. Next week. I will forsee the struggle to eliminate all social accountabilities. i struggle with handling loneliness. but i know of no better place in present time, than trying that.

I think sense is a separate consciousness. Sense is social integration. We come to terms and live with the conceptions of sense socially. The biggest mistake we perceive is a great relationship is transiently ‘meaningful’. A social life(relationships) is as empty as worldly materialism because all these are time based securities. By nature, it changes, dissolves and creates as time ticks. It festers and loops and stalls and goes to a point, it will never make sense.

On the other hand, the self or a god are timeless ideals, context free issues. Just like how interwoven the worldly and relationships are than we least expect them to be, god and the self are also pretty much gives the same effect. Since they are timeless, they are ‘meaningless’ in a worldly and relational time-based context. It’s easy to comprehend God and it’s transience but the self and transience is what I am dabbling into right now. I believe that investing in the self will reap an eternal understanding.

About how the mind can be different and how different the mind can be:

Sometimes I feel like a mountain with a swirling summit, thunderous and out of control up there. The summit's wrath is but all weather.

I am also, but a mountain in an immense terrain. Small in comparison. Comparisons? Comparison killed.

When I think of the world, I tend to think of how the world defines it; not in a cosmic sense but more of the latter, social sense.

It's a vein in me. In everyone. The weight of my insecurity becomes justifiable.

A cold towel of fear and embarrassment falls and hides me away under the cover of shadowy dreamlessness, uninspired and tiredness.

My thoughts are ironic as they multi-faceted yet personal, like the father in heaven Then I forget all these in the now - on the go - being.

How much mincing and selfishness does it take to empower and prove myself? I realized that the answer from this illusion would leave me uninspired.

Maybe the perpetually unprepared world is designed stupid where I am a flightless dodo bird, flapping ~ never getting to fly.

the irony of my recluse and the need to write this

1
I am stuck in this suspended state of a haunting hole which is my own creating: the irony of my recluse and the need to write this.i just finished my ureca. the report was submitted 2 days ago. this afternoon, i got my letter that confirmed my 1 year semester leave. i am officially free from school for a year. my adventure has just began. there is a tinge of uncertainty still, but these feelings are socially obligated and i should know better to overcome it.
would i miss school? my graphic design results this sem is a reminder of how my works that I love tend to get low grades and works that I hate get good grades. I wonder if indeed my style is actually marketable in design or is my style over-indulgent?

2.
my nights are getting more and more lonely. i feel that i am getting lonely and it’s only out of jealousy and not of a desire to get together with someone for real. its like i can be purely alone alone but never when there are people around me who seem so fine with people. i have yet to find someone who truely smart or crazy enough for me, to feel so. i have felt that way before abit, but i felt that investing time in people is a waste of time, cos its not like a video where you can go back and replay it. a relationship is like memories, where it collects in you but you cannot use the relationship to admire in it's form.
dont get me wrong, i am not jealous of the relationships i see. most i relationships that unfurl around me, and those that i know are pathetic. either the disillusioned girl who looks up to marriage as the happiest dope in the world and thinks she is on two feet when she is dying to lean on another, which makes her bound to fall. hard. and there is also the boy who jumps quick into one out of lust, and now finding hard to decide, harder to decide, now that she has fallen deep in love with him. seriously, they need to wake up.
but then there is me and the draining dreams, silly logics that work occasionally. i stuck out my hand. I didn't respond in the end because it was me giving in. It's darkness moving in the night. The impending self acceptance that felt like the time I warmed up to porn. its not what i should give in to. i am more. i can be more. i can be more artistic. and society cannot handle that less. and addressing darkness: I don't go finding cos I don't believe it. It should come find me and when i feel it, that's when I will believe it. it’s all part of the sad whisperings of mum yet waiting for her to die or my imagination of three friends who would die at their happiest.