housefly

now i understand why suicide makes perfect sense sometimes. its not about forgetting about the people you love, its not just feeling that you are not good enough. its about not being able to connect to the reality u live in. in fact im doing relatively well so far. i have good friends, a perfect family and great talents. but i am suffering inside as a person like nobody's business. i feel entrapped and asphyxiated. then when i try to pin point exactly what it is that makes struggle so much, i cannot find it. its like im unable to see the elephant within me. life's normal is not my normal.

its about not finding anyone who sees what you see in this world. being an alien, being different in mindset from everyone else. im not suicidal. yet. but i feel that if i feel this way longer, its not good for me.

sometimes i feel like i hold a consciousness, twice as much as other people. in the end, i feel and see much more than other people. much like a housefly that is always a move faster than an average human. then, i sometimes wonder if it's due to my hypersensitivity that circumvents and colosalize everything that happens, causing what i call, emotional volatility. sometimes i also wonder if it's because of this, that make me expect so much from myself.

everyone behaves in a society amongst each other, affected by each other, wanting each other. i dont. i no longer try to find solace and comfort in people. this doesnt mean i dont wish to. i just know, from much experience that this doesnt happen in real life because noone will be able to understand me. even as i write this, no one will be able to come to terms with the complexities of my mind in which i am also struggling to grab hold of myself.

i don't fit in this body. i don't fit into my own skin, i don't fit into social groups, i don't fit into ociety ultimately, i don't see eye to eye with anyone in the real world. instead, i cower and find refuge in people like jake, charisa, brandon, sherlynn and shawn all whom i create in my damn mind. sometimes, either interacting or becoming them. it's like an alternate reality for me. a grown up version of imaginary friends. i find myself even as i blog, coming closer and closer, closing up into myself, eating myself from the outside in. like a snake devouring itself till it's a ball. why do i do that? why do i do this? i dunno. i wish i knew. i dont enjoy travelling outside, i prefer travelling inside. maybe thats why i like to draw or write, or imagine.

this dampness, this heaviness in my heart that burdens me. and i cannot pinpoint what exactly it is. i need space to think. its hard now when there is so many things thrown at me in school. i believe when i am out there on my own, parents dead, friends become echoes, would i see myself in proper light and maybe curl into my innards and combust into a fire that is my soul.

i know that for now, only when things don't go my way or when i'm upset, do i find myself caving up and reflecting. this process is great because all these things make so much sense that noone else sees. it might be a cloud when seen aback, it might be perfect sense to people like me. maybe it's just another bad day and everyone is just rubbing you the wrong way. maybe i'm just being overly petty.

i wish i die early so that my ordeal of this living ends i don't know how i will be. nothing is good for me in this world.

bits and pieces from a notepad..

i live in a country that is know for it's diversity and openness to such a pioneering extent that it is really unlike what the rest of the world. a colourful assimilation of rich borrowed cultures, diluted even more by foreign policies and social self- aggrandisement. how much different can a 3rd generation Straits Chinese Singaporean be from their mainland chinese counterparts? does it even matter? afterall, we are a small country with no natural resources.

i am embarking on a project to help people discover what Singapore is. Dont get me wrong, there are adjectives and associations aplenty when it comes with identifying what is truly Singapore. We are an amalgamation of many things, something we cannot pin-point, even as a collective. what visual culture do we have? maybe it's the peranakan culture. Maybe it's the chilli crab. maybe it's the way we annunciate english words. i really wish i knew because i have always needed to know what i am, similarly, i want to know what singapore is or at least what we are moving towards.

backlash
and then i crumble everytime i reflect upon myself. somethings i do, i feel as if i know better but i actually dont. but really, it only happens when the thing saturates and i am not as passionate about it as before. i thought all these dont mean nothing to you?

On failure
Becoming angry with self
Becoming sad and aggravating
Becomes listless and settled.

I wish i can reach a more meaningful level on my social level.

i realise why i hate people in general.
Perfect state of mind is your own. You will not like anyone else. Nothing else clicks more than your own. Lost much hope in people. Never ever opened himself up to the world no more because he has learnt that he felt a disconnection from reality.

the perfectest sonnet

I have always seen 'perfect sonnet' as a celebration of: (as ironic as i put) a worldly mind falling back to earth. This is realizing the truth of a part of the human condition we look over. More importantly, it tackles the hype of relationships and the hollywood lies about love and such. and Connor sings it not in a lumbering silly emotional manner but instead as an exploratory pained individual who took a step back and analyses his own experience and consciously write up with a very bold, supported conclusion that becoming lovers = morose suffering. As the break goes:

But as for me I'm coming to my final failure
I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
But I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be
Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And layed entwined together on a bed of clover
And left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness

Simple and not difficult to gather at his autobiographical almost narrative conclusions. He uses absolutes, sings it in a factual ideal of his opinion. its naive yet as what i talked about before, excactly true and correct at time of execution and writing, thus not wrong at all. i love such things as these and i am an unlikely, ardent fan of Bright eyes and elliot smith.

Above is a heartfelt rendition by Daryl, a local young youtuber, underated and forgotten. the camera rocks as he belts out, attempting brighteyes with the same lyrical understanding as how conor did. (or better. you judge for yourself.) He has been taking down his songs more often than uploading any new. so watch it before it goes.

i have always believed in screaming out your feelings.
and i always love a great written song.

Superheroes

memories.
i really wonder what bothers me anymore. btw i typed a long post but it vanished after a refresh~ fking blogger. i said something about how i am separate from what society seems to be moving towards such that i am an island of my own annoying ideas. i play dumb to fit in and lie and manipulate life like puppets to get things in some way of my own pleasure. i feel like i need not overthink. because the world underthinks. i wish i was simple and cared less. i wish i knew less and thought less.there is a price to pay to know. i will write and continue to do art that would wow the world but be nothing more than a shrug off by me.

memories = alter ego
to make myself sound like a bigger freak than i already am, i realized that i have the ability to create memories in which i digest, consume and become. almost as real as my real life. every detail, every emotion and every thought process, subtle and illicit are created and consumed and exported into the same categories of my real life subconsciously such that i feel like i have done these things in my life. its like i have an alternate universe and i have a chance to be someone else apart from myself, in myself. it sounds weird.

this is not because i hate myself. i think i'm motherfucking great as myself. but i create alternate characters and become them. i feel like i have many lives. thin, built, ugly or cute. i walk through many worlds and i am many people. i am Mark, i am Shane, i am Sherilyn, i am John. things they go through would inspire me. sometimes these things when them, acted out, come from somewhere else and not from me. sometimes when i am in my alternate, i feel like i am not me and things i do are not from within but from that person. i have left my body and these people and they do things like go to the hospital, investigate crimes, take drugs and have fun for real in their place as i am them. and these switching of lives happen very often. more often than many people bother to know. i dont think i can share my other lives with people because not many have more than one life. well, this doesnt bother me. not like there is a technology anyway in which i can co exist with another's alter-ego universe thing.

alter-egos are nothing new too. infact widely accepted via mainstream commercial medias, - Superheroes.

maybe one day i would wake and find myself in the other realm as the main walking reality. i dont really hope so on second thought.

now you know why i always sit so still when i'm alone. cos i'm in my zone. i'm in my matrix ya'll. kjabvjvvjksssshhhh. i wish i knew what i am doing. this brain of mine is mindfucking me every single day shit!

a few strange sit upright revelations

Just two things i thought i would like to declare, after a long hiatus on the blogesphere.

I have reached a stage where I have accepted myself as a person.
Well, sounds like no biggie, but i really used to be really insecure like i dunno, you.

I no longer expect more than i already am, no longer allowing my consciousness to fall back into mediocrity. now its stage 2. characterizing myself into full consciousness and confidence of who and what i am as a person so that when people ask, i can tell them straight and believably that i am this person that i am. i can now leave all expectations thrown onto me and lead a vagrant artist life that i have always fantasized upon. but that will be discussed next next week.

My understanding is whatever i can manage at the time of consciousness.
doesnt mean i know the truth of things but what is at best at that time. nothing predicts and nothing envisions after cos we are in debt of what was then. everything is of now clearer than before, but never as clear as later. But the primary factor is now fleeting. but conclusion are made without the key of consciousness. the genius that you think you have become is because of your limitation that is real and sentient, amplified and tolerable. the emptiness in my mind's consciousness has come full circle and my opinions are as clear as ever.

oh and an additional: some people are soooo darn stupid: horses with blinders and donkeys who try to be stallions. but its so interesting to see them rot and die within themselves. neigh.

g'night.

Drowning

i realised that i always seem like im upset all the time here, but really, i am not a sad person. i remembered saying this before, sometimes, i cannot comprehend the way society works (i am like alien). I think thats why i seclude myself and people gaffaw at this. they think its being childish or trying to act cool but how cool is behaving anti social? its a self sentence more like. its nothing on a relational basis but something more of a personal basis. i dont like society. i dont like most people. they do not enjoy discovery, they do not care about philosophies and understanding the meaning of life, figuring out our place in the world, appreciating those who try and be original in thought and style. instead they mind themselves moreoften with stupid things like games, trivial matters, love and other drugs. they also don't think and settle for satisfactory. i dream and i sought to achieve. sometimes, as you might feel, might not be concrete or undefined (like ramblings) but i know that i know something.

i feel like i need to explain to myself why i am how i am particularly in the past. i rather feel negative and angsty because that way i can think better. post cursor evidence of this is probably my morose sense of humour- i make fun of Jesus as much as I make fun of the Devil. i have a great fair share of happiness in my life. never felt that i had no balance or that i am suffering from some sort of an emotional breakdown. somedays i do feel more depressed/excited about life. but thats human i believe. maybe cancel everything. maybe i am being too analytical about my this when i shouldn't be. infact, my friends have been saying so. but hey why do they not analyze. its natural for me to sit down and think of these things sometimes. this is also what puzzles me as a person. what makes me so different from people? why am i like this, why do i have more thought processors and have a complex understanding about life when others cannot be as conscious about things the same way as i do? and i feel that its bad sometimes, when i was younger if you read my really old posts, you would realise that i get so engrossed with an emotion it cannot rub off. it came to a point when i cannot switch back to my normal self. maybe its because i enjoy drowning myself.

power

I spent a day pondering on how if i had the power to recreate the sense of the rut religion to me is, how would i go about?

I would seek to create something like a concept of a god but without the expectations of a god. something more spiritual than a religion, something ascetic within myself, formed from basis of pure reasoning. this is not to formulate meaning of life, nor to withhold an entity of worship/prove any existing wrong. its a struggle to live.

Nobody agrees with me, about living a life without the societal expectations, i dream i will not concede by. sitting on the bed now, typing, half high from the consumed alcohol, im not sure if i am fully conscious enough to comprehend the complexities of being fully human but i have been thinking about this issue sober or not.

In 'life' there is an 'f' between the word 'lie'. i just realised that. reluctntly, i know this is so appropriate for me in particular. because i try very hard. very hard to be normal. well alot of people struggle to fit in. i know cos i see and recognise that very often. but i really hope deep down that i will be seen at least(if i cant change the world i change myself.) as someone with my own rules and thoughts. that nothing will shake my consciousness except myself. and i will on my part, rationalise the righteousness of things.

im tired. till next time cheers.

best bag