When you came over

When the lift doors opened on the 6th level of block 43, Pungol Avenue 8, she unglamorously shuffled her heels quickly across the concrete, dragging the left leg. She then dropped her handbag on the shoe rack beside the gate and banged at the door.
“Alice!” she called out. “Alice open the door please!” But there was silence. “Fuck.” She could not believe this.
Her legs twisted into a knot and she started to hop on the spot finding balance. She not only fell on a curb at the multi storey car park on her way home, she also needed the toilet badly. She spun around and rapped at the door directly opposite to her own which was the only other tenant on this level. She did not know the old couple that lived next door to her personally, but she knew her mother knew them and she was sure they would allow her to use their toilet.
But when the door unhinged and opened, a young man wearing an England football jersey and light blue shorts stared back at her, eating a sandwich.
“Yah?”
“I need to use the toilet. Please.” She said, heaving.
He backed away, “Sure.”
She kicked off her heels and scampered past him and into the kitchen toilet desperately to relieve herself.
Upon relieving herself, she realised the toilet had the smell of Clear men’s shampoo and Dettol. An ivy green towel draped at a ledge beside a pair of jeans. The slippers were neatly arranged at the side of the door. The toilet paper was folded into a V at the tear. She flushed and left the toilet, eventually finding him seated on his living room couch finishing up his dinner.
“I-I’ll go now.” she slipped her handbag onto her shoulder.
“Okay.” He stood up politely.
She turned and opened the door. That was when the umbrella holder adjacent to the door toppled down by her push. The umbrellas slid out in all angles.
He lunged forward. “It’s alright. I can”
“I’m so sorry.” She squatted down to pick up the umbrellas and broom but kicked off the stack of shoe boxes from the wire rack and it fell down too.
“Oh god.” She muttered under her breath. She wanted to kill herself. He must have thought she was a serious klutz.
But she noticed he was still smiling. “It happens to me too all the time.” And the mess was cleared fast.
“I shouldn’t disturb you.” She said as she stood up and opened the door. Peering out, she realised her sister still had not returned home.
“You can wait here in my place till she comes home.”
“Oh no. I’m fine waiting outside or I’ll be disturbing your peace.” She chuckled seriously and picked up her handbag again.
“No you are not.” He insisted.
“Doesn’t an old lady around her late fifties, white hair, very chirpy, live here? I’ve never seen you before.” She said changing the subject as she slipped on one of her r heels.
“oh you must mean my mum. She lived here but she passed on two weeks back. She was a chirpy woman wasn’t she?” he said looking at the photo of her beside a lampshade.
“Oh god.” She gasped again, covering her face in embarassment. “I’m so sorry. I din mean to bring up-”
“-its okay.” He interrupted. “I’m Eric.”
“I’m Rachel.”
“Rachel.”
“Yup.”
“You want a drink perhaps? Something to eat? I have soya bean.”
“Soya milk will be nice.” She made herself comfortable on the couch as she proceeded to the kitchen.
“So, you staying here now?” saying loud enough for him to hear from the kitchen.
“I actually live at Bukit Panjang. Have been coming here to visit her and I took care of my mum when she was in a really sick phase. Now that she has moved on, I’m here to pack things up and plan on what to do with this erm place.”
“So you’re selling it?”
“Maybe. I stay beside where I worked. If I shifted all the way here, it would make no sense.”
“What do you work as?” she said honestly interested.
“I work as the resident doctor at a family clinic two blocks form where I stay.”
“Wow.” She said genuinely impressed. “I’m recep at DBS.” She sighed.
Eric smiled to himself. She was adorable.
He brought a large cup with winnie the pooh prints on it, to the tea table in front. It was a cold drink but it warmed her heart.
“Thank you.” She said and he drank a gulp. “Eric?”
“Yes?”
“You married?”
“I’m not married.”
“You must be gay.”
“Hell no.”
“You have a girlfriend?”
He laughed. She blushed at the inappropriate question. But after an awkward while, he murmured a no.
“Wow. Living all by yourself.” She said twirling her cup, seeing Winnie prance around with a pot of honey. “Must be really lonely.” Eric looked up. Suddenly the flat was a void to Eric and he could feel the emptiness of its corners.
“No I’m fine myself.” He glanced back at her, lying.
“Me too.” She said still staring into her cup, lying too.
There was a silence. Rachel placed the cup down and began wrenching her ankle which still stung from the fall while she was heading home.
“Are you okay down there?” he said genuinely concerned. “Your toe is bleeding.”
“I’m fine doctor.”
“I’ll get medication.”
She winced at a sudden jolt of pain caused by her own wrenching.
“Let me see it.” He said as he returned with a green pouch of sachets and bandages. She was still in pain. He sat next to her on the right. She turned to him and propped her left leg on his lap and waited. He looked uneasy and she suddenly remembered she was wearing a skirt and she closed her thighs together.
“I didn’t see anything.”
“I didn’t say you did.”
“I’m terribly sorry.”
“Nevermind, just-“
“-okay. Okay.” He opened the pouch. “Okay. Lets see.”He dabbed purple liquid on the affected area and wrapped cloth on her ankle. He smoothed the wrinkles out slowly. He then massaged her leg as he stared into her eyes trying to read her response to his physiotherapy.
“Ow!” She lunged forward. She grabbed him arm, wincing from her pain. Her head was just beneath his and he unintentionally kissed the top of her head.
“It’s okay. It’s just a muscle tear.”
There was a long silence as he continued to massage the area around the affected area.
“Thanks for everything Eric.” She muttered. There was a softness in her voice now and her hand loosened and slid off his. He gripped her palm just before it left his. He heaved. Emotions were moving in him and he looked around desperately.
“Rachel. You should have left the door open. Your sister might have returned already.”
“Mmm.” She groaned listlessly obviously not listening. He realised she was comfortably lying back on the couch eyes closed and smiling as his body warmth resonated through her skin pores and it felt snug. The sky was a now a deep purple against the orange setting sun. Eric stared at her. A woman so close to him now. He forgot about the wound he was fixing as he admired how her hair flopped like ocean waves on the couch. Her face read a beautiful grin of a bliss he had never seen before. He begun to reconsider moving out of this place.
“Rachel.”
But there was no answer. She had fallen asleep there.

memory

valentines day special.

memory
14th February 2008, 10.45pm. The last few cars roared past for the night. He sat on the bench beside the 3rd street lamp of the bridge connector that stretched across the mouth of the Singapore River between the Esplanade theatre and the landscape of the entire central business district. Alone.
Lump in throat, thumb and index finger on his eyes. He sat there motionless and aching. Wondering why he was so stupid.
The bench he sat on creaked. Someone sat on the bench beside him. From what he recalled, there were a lot of empty benches to sit on. Lifting his fingers from his eyes that were now moist, he peeped to see who it was. It was a girl. Hair tied loosely at the back, wearing a chequered shirt, faded jeans and also a big black camera slung on the neck. She also wore a blank expression. He looked back down again and closed his eyes once more.
“Waiting for someone?”
A bus rumbled past behind them. He didn’t want to talk to the girl he wasn’t waiting for but he managed to murmur a “yes.”
“Waiting since?”
“Seven.” He breathed. “Six.”
She looked at him. “Wow. I’m sorry.” She said. “That you were stood up.”
There was a long and awkward pause as those words burnt his heart. To rub salt to the moment, an oblivious couple sauntered past him laughing and talking, distracted by one another.
“She told me she’ll-“and he lost his voice to the lump. His mouth was left gaping like a goldfish with nothing coming out anymore except for maybe a teardrop from his eye.
“Aww come here.” She shifted closer and placed her arm on his shoulder, she nudged him closer. He was not receptive to it but because he was too shaken to resist anything, his head sunk onto her shoulder and her arm on his, he felt like a huge boulder was lifted from his heart. Tears released themselves free.
“That bitch.” She said.
A motorcycle roared past behind, rattling a can onto the road shoulder.
“I don’t have a date. I don’t believe in Valentines Day. Not into this love thing at all. I’m actually here to photograph couples you know. A photograph competition project.” She said.
“Sounds interesting. Did you find any good shots.”
“Indeed. Let me show you.” She switched on her SLR and she pressed and clicked the mechanism. She veered the screen to let him see a picture. It was a young man seated on the bench all by himself looking awfully pathetic under the lamp light.
“It’s me.” He stirred. “God. I look pathetic.” He sat up. “You’re not gonna send this for the competition thing are you?” he threatened.
She giggled. “Nah.” Still, she loved the shot. It had piercing emotions evoked by the dim lighting, the posture, the face.
The river crashed below them.
“Do you mind if-“ she stopped and hesitated.
“What?”
“If we take one together?” she finished. “A photograph.”
“But I’m in shambles. I’m in a horrible state. You don’t even know me. Why?”
“Memory sake. Only one shot.” She promised.
“There’s no memory to keep.”
“There is.” She looked down, flushed. “To me.”
There was another of those painful silences.
“Must I smile?”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“Alright then.” He agreed and took a deep breath. He wiped his soaked cheeks and watched as she switched her camera on and panned it into position in front of them.
“Here goes.” She chirped. Both leaned towards one another. He realised her hair was soft and ticklish. The moment dragged.
Click.
He never saw the photograph as she left soon after, let alone her name. He never knew if his cheek that he discovered was slightly wet was because he did not wipe up all his tears away before the shot, or that it was wet because of her lips.

random: Cheryl and Evan, J2.

coincidence is God's way of performing miracles anonymously.

you always realize it when it is too late and too dark.

What hurts more?

sentosa, singapore

What hurts more?

He moans in pain. Mother sits at his bedside.

“Come, I massage your head.” She said.

She puts a warm and damp cloth on his forehead and began rubbing his chest.

“Ma stop it la. This is not helping. Please just go away la.”

He turns his torso away from her.

“Then what you want me to do?” she asked.

“How I know!” After a while, he groans again. “It’s just pain.”

She frowns and kneads his side and back with her thumb and fingers

He sweeps her hands off.

“This does not fucking work!” He burst. He was heaving hard and then he mumbled, “No wonder dad died.”

She was stung.

“I was trying to help okay don’t have to be rude and say this kind of things to your mother.” Her voice wobbled and trailed off.

He ignores.

Silence. Then his pain comes again and he winces. “Oww…”

“Where? Which part?” She grimaced. His pain was her pain. She rubbed his back again. “It’s okay. Mummy’s here.”

Infatuation under the dim florescent lights of the night 2

Yes she looked mazing. Yes I do not know her but somehow it didn’t matter I already had a mental picture. I already know her. She’s the one for me. I begin to plan my move and inches from execution, I stop in my tracks.
What is this?
Love?
Lust?
Why do I want her?
Is she who she is?
What do I want from her?
Is this worth it?

Fuck I’m not doing this anymore.
I began to move back.
I glance up at her once more and fuck I want her again.

I’m such a perv.
I’m such a coward.
?

When you can't stop the pain, run from it

Car.

When you can't stop the pain, run from it.
Pain is when rock music didn’t hurt his ears at maximum volume. Pain is the purpose of his in-ear noise cancellation earphones. Pain is having to fix his eyes out of the window and staring blankly at the streaks of light passing him, alternating rain trees overcast like clouds, bus stops lonely empty shelters that were still not as pathetic as him. He would not be able to hear his own thoughts. His mind somehow was silenced by a wall of ignorance built upon emotions. Like trampled roses. A skill that crushed moral reactions one humanely would possess in situations like this that developed into a cold resolute psychological straitjacket.
There is no pain.
I ran away but I didn’t run at all because there is no pain.
Yet I am running away now.

When you can't stop the pain, run from it.
Amen.

Infatuation in dim florescent lights of the night.

sentosa, singapore.
A quiet chuckle, a smile and the words “a card”.
This was what she remembered of him that night. Even after two months his eyes could still glimmer in her mind between her sheets of comfort that cupped her heart. He was the stranger who caught hold of her soul and didn’t know he did.

He was one of the other guys that were also invited to Robert Yeo’s 26th birthday bash which promised alcohol and a fondue chocolate fountain. His army mates or neighbours or ex classmates. Whoever they were, wherever they came from she didn’t know but he stood out among them. He just lived and she watched. She noted that he rarely spoke or did not speak at all. He obviously didn’t want to come to Robert’s banal party where it was a rojak of the popular birthday boy’s friends from different parts of his life thrown together in a big house. She had the same sentiments. He hung around the nooks. Often he’d hide behind the shadows of his louder friends; he didn’t want to be remembered. She found herself increasingly attracted to those mannerisms. She found herself eye-locked onto his every move, satisfying her infatuation in dim florescent lights of the night.
A sigh to himself at a corner couch by himself would tug her heartstrings. This left her recalling it again and again for the next few hours of the night. She found herself staring with curiosity for the rest of the time, hoping for more memories to collect and recollect. His coolness and ignorance towards the way the world revolves was natural. His genuinity she hoped after knowing him, could be applied upon her. His ‘normal’ would infect her and they could reside in such decorum as long as they lived.
The couch beside his was empty, she realized. His friends she also did not know, were on the marble floor writing Robert’s birthday card. Laughing and pushing each other around. He sat there and waited for his turn to write on that card.

Gathering all her courage and forming her more attractive demeanor, she proceeded to sit next to the oblivious young man. As planned she pretended to be interested in the card the boys were scribbling.

“What are you boys doing?” the question directing to him. That was when he looked at her as she looked back. He chuckled and said, “A card.” She swore she saw the slightest smile that could kill. But that was when a huge other interrupted their connection. The other person on the floor was clearly eyeballing her with greater interest for her own comforts. “We are his NS friends from BMT. Hi. I’m Raymond.” His hand outstretched a little too far a little too near.
“Hi.” She mumbled apathetically. She looked back at the young man beside her but he had turned his attention back to the card, no more smile, no more eye contact. She stared a little longer to regain his attention but it was all in vain. She sighed resolutely and walked away empty handed. Empty hearted.

A quiet chuckle a smile, and the words “a card.”
That was all.

plum blossoms

I watched plum blossom yesterday on crunchyroll. Nice. :-)
(M18) (probably considered a Korean blue film with butts and breasts.)Pls skip the sex parts if you don’t like to watch intimacy and DO NOT skip the story to just watch the intimacy because you will be let down.
I don’t know what made me watch it but I guess I was of age, it was a popular movie to watch on the site with good ratings plus the story sounded good. :-D
I watched and couldn’t stop watching. Watch this film if you can’t psychologically differentiate love from lust when the time comes. You will be like cheh! Who don’t know how to differentiate love from lust but when you are with the girl you looove, the air is different. Yup. Unless you see Jesus sitting between you and your girlfriend, you are one of the many who will be tempted to do funny things with your Felicia chin of a girlfriend.
The film does not revolve around sex unlike American teen movies that litter the theatres. This film, the sex revolves around the story and I actually understood and learnt something. :-D

Here:
http://www.crunchyroll.com/media-257092/Plum-Blossom-Movie-Part-1.html
http://www.crunchyroll.com/media-257150/Plum-Blossom-Movie-Part-2.html
http://www.crunchyroll.com/media-259820/Plum-Blossom-Movie-Part-3-Final.html
Better than lust caution.

Save

When he was on the mass rapid transit on the way to work somewhere between commonwealth and redhill, a young lady carrying a grimacing boy walked in and stood at the connector of two carriages at a station. She was unkempt and had a face that had not slept. She stared blankly at nowhere in particular and her expression bordered along the unknown. She shifted her large haversack on her shoulder higher as it was slipping off. The little boy started to kick in discomfort in her arms. She began to bounce him nonchalantly as if this ordeal was a morose routine. She wiped a tuft of hair behind her ear and looked at her boy who now had the same sad face as hers. The haversack slipped down her shoulder again. This time she left it as it was.

He stood up from his seat and walked towards the lady. He was now beside her. The train whirred. The windows were wiped black upon entering the underpass.

He leaned towards her little mushroom ear and whispered, “I can save you.”

have you ever

chinatown, singapore.

have you ever hated yourself for all the shit you've done to others?
have you ever owned a conscience bigger than your evil?
have you ever had a heart despite your incessant insensitivity. have you ever felt louy about yourself then hated god about it but still needing his refuge at the end of the day to sleep in peace?
have you wanted to die as fast as joy fades?
have you ever ponedered over suicide and subdued it's grasp with lust?
have you envied others and hated yourself? have you grew tired of living and breathing at 18?
have you needed to live a lie to upkeep acceptance yet believe god might not love you which ever choice you chose?

never?
fuck off.

watch movie

Queenstown, Sigapore

Watch movie?
By me

Rongqing and Kelvin were walking towards Jurong West St23 bus stop.
“Eh your sis fucking hot.”

“Fuck you.”

“Eh next time jio her along to watch movie la. Intro her abit ma.”

“Fuck you la.”

“Eh I become your brudder-in-law you dowan meh?”
Silence which stung him.
“Ka ni na beh. Chao cheee bie. Eh. I your close friend so many year you dowan me be your brother meh. Fucking asshole leh you.”

“I-”

Qingling, Rongqing's younger sister enters and interrupts the 2 friends.
“Kor?”

“Mei?”

A pause of awkwardness among the 3.
“Mei ah. This is Kelvin.”
“Ah Hock. This my small sister, Qingling.”

“Hi.”
She gave a nervous smile.

“Hallo.”
He returned a nice beam. Silence for a while.

Regaining reality.
“Kor na. Ma says… you must take the liang teh along- aah shit!”
The drink spills.

“I help!”
Kelvin takes out tissue and bends down to wipe her toes. Rongqing sighed.

“Ah yo don’t need la so pai seh!”
She squats down with him and pushes away his hands from her legs.
Kelvin insists.

Once done wiping her clean. Turns to RongQing.
“I go already kay? Bye Rong.”
“See you Qingling.”

Qingling turns to Kelvin again and smiled.
“Bye Kelvin.”
Connected, he smiled back.
Kelvin leaves.
Brother and sister walked towards the food court beside the wet market.

“Kor.”

“What.”

“That Kelvin guy. Next time bring him along to watch movie with us or something la.”

sadness

Bad things happen to me when I don’t have god in my heart.
I lost my wallet. Tonnes of money stolen. Got sick. Sadness…
Bad things happen to people with god in their hearts.
Tragic deaths. Retrenchment. Poverty. Pain. Suffering. Tonnes of money stolen. Getting sick. Sadness…
With or without god, the fate of one’s life is still the same.
I am sick of hearing about what is god to us.What is god-really?

Go Away

Tiong Baru, Singapore.

Go Away
by me

It was nine thirty in the night at east coast. The small foamy wakes drifted and crashed ashore slowly carrying away their beer cans. This was dimly lit by the stars and in particular, the moon. The rest of the sea and sky were one in blackness.
Indistinguishable.

They sat on a large stone together, strewn slippers remnants of a playful wrestle. Toes crunched into the rough sand. Sea breeze in the hair, eyes squinting from it. Looking into the horizon that was no longer there, ships gleamed lights far away joint the glowing stars in a silent display of infinity. He slid his hand onto her hand.

She looked down and withdrew her hand. Brushing away what she felt it meant, she tied her now awkward limbs around her own legs.
Away from his reach.

“Meizhen.”

There was a hesitation.
“Ya?”

“Thanks for coming to meet me today. I had a great time.”

She didn’t know what to say.
“Yea. Me too.”

He shifted closer. He was close enough that when she looked up she could sniff his huge shoulder. His sweat. His nerves. She was fully aware of the clumsy hand that was creeping behind her.

It began with jittery light taps and soon his prickly head inched closer against hers. A muffled heave of achievement was heard within him. She sympathetically gave in, sensing his rampaging inner turmoil. It was amusing.
His attempts were somewhat commendable too.

“Meizhen.”
He trembled. A gazillion thought processes.
Dizzy.
Anticipation.

“Yes.”
Trying very hard not to sound uninterested.

“Meizhen.” He whined.
“I know this sounds really really random to you but I really really like you.”

Silence except the wind and lonely crashes of the waves against the shores.
A vacuum.
She played with a friendship band on her right ankle. Turning it clockwise. Anti-clockwise. Clockwise. Anti-clockwise.
Silence still.
Then a sniff.

He began to sob uncontrollably like a pathetic little boy who was lost. His much dreamt about watershed moment was now a growing disaster.

She sighed between his many tear soaked “I love yous” uttered into her blouse, his head now on her shoulder. All flammy, foaming, moaning, sopping with mucus and heart ache. A love-sick puppy lost.

“You are drunk.” She said unconvincingly. She might as well.
She grabbed his head and lightly flushed it between neck and bosom. And hugged.
It felt surprisingly snug.
His eyelash was a delicate butterfly on her neck.
His lips unintentionally left cold rings on her shoulder and collar.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry…” he now began.
She now struggled to maintain her decorum.
“Just stop this nonsense okay. You are 21.”

“Please.” He whispered.

Although her heart melted

It was met with her piercing silence again