with my DS, i dont need to blog.

rape the fear

splurging galore

today, i have officially got my first laptop, HP Pavilion tx 1000 entertainment PC (sadly the last unfortunate one in the family to get one. but mine has better specs.)

and a nintendo DS. black. with 16 latest games.

now i am waiting for my scanner/laser printer and my digicam

Lights, __, action!

I shall not elaborate about a certain issue that occurred today.
but lets just say Tim and PS Veron looked uncannily like the mural outside the very noisy Timbre. :-)

peaks of the weeks

• went back to westwood sec rooted to soar! met my art teacher. promised to keep in touch.


• went back to sajc with mitchel. (who had a 100% make over!) met the j2s. met an interesting individual, Martin.


• bbq at 'wess peer'. hotdog, crabstick, chicken cutlets, omelette and good sambal. drinking party! Hard liquor, lime concentrate, beer, breezers, tea, soya sauce and coke. mix them together: drinking games!


• worship sessions in camp with other christians.


• crystal jade meal saturday class meet up. jellyfish, vegetables, tofu, noodles, porridge, mango pud.


• glasshouse with girls. salads and seafood. celest wine party. baked steak, wurtz hotdogs, prawns, mussels, chips and frog buttons.


• instant noofle feast. 1000 cans of can food, eggs and cup noodles.


• had a 100% home made decadent tea party with peppermint tea, scones and jams, chewy chocolate cookies, godiva chocolates and brownies and a huge golden retriever named Hugo. very classy and warm. implicitly and literally. PS: the oven, amanda.


• cell was intoxicating as usual with my rude disruptive antics.


• 7 seater car. filling claypot rice meal at clementi.


• got all wet and dirty with team as we cleaned the rhhibs. imagine barnacles and algae. and very cunning water attacks from team mates.

my ground breaking manifesto for now

I believe that God is probably real.
this belief is a hypothesis from a guy who read and thought over things. stuff are still unclear. do add on or deny them but i believe some stuff are better than those of Richard or Swinburne:

1. He was probably born in someway or came from another highly developed realm or concept way complex then ours.
2. He gave us the Word with information and knowledge not to teach us about the true facts of life/how things work really (that would really please all scientists though) instead it is to tell us what he wants us to do and his expectations about this project called, earth.
3. God is a being very powerful and way too complex for his limited minded creations to understand enough. Hence he has simplified things to us in the bible for simple minded creatures like us. He would have proven to us how complex he probably is through his own creations, leaving us perplexed and confused. after all he created the capacity of our limited minds.
   
4. why bother pondering over his existence when we haven't even officially understood the world around us? don't skip steps. too many loopholes and eggshells.
5. by first totally understanding His creation can we speculate His entity and behavior. By then, we would be able to be God ourselves as we would ultimately know his ways, sources and beginnings of His power. Never try to understand the creator when you are merely a creation who has yet to fully understand creation ourselves.
   
6. God could easily throw in more complexities to prevent us from fully knowing God. We will never know why God made us. We would never know exactly what who he is. we only have this low level metaphorical ideas and adjectives he gave us. (think "I am the rock" etc) we are made so, not all knowing. but we do and always TRY. it's instinctive.
7. God has probably given us autonomy of thought to attain a very low level of knowledge aka spurts of physics, chemistry, bio, even psychology to use these theories and ideas to form what we know as TECHNOLOGY or RULES to ease life. it is meant to end right here.
8. We treat God as if he is one of us. Logical, sensible, uncomplex and normal. But his thought processes, abilities, powers does not even match ours. he could create a world where 1+1=3. or a place where true love for Him can happen without the need for suffering and choice. but i believe he likes us tortured better... Is his existence as simple as ours? can we explain what he does? if so we are insensible and definately wrong as God would always be more complex than his own creations. (That for your info is already very complex itself.)

i would never get my answers. i am avoiding an answer by giving this answer as to whether there is a Lord. this answer is shaky in foundation as he might be so unattainably complex to comprehend, it might all be a empty concept where nothing is in it in the first place and i am barking up and biting off the wrong freaking tree. that would really be very painful. all my efforts!

have you ever:

• felt like something else?
• no longer worried about yourself?
  
• felt like a black hole during worship in church?
• heaved a really deep sigh, that all your guard falls way below the ground not accessible for a long moment?
• have secularly negative emotions fill your mind 70-97% of your living time on average?
• pondered on death and really overcame the fear of ending all you have built up?
• have you pushed your mind and possibilities to extremes?
• had a mental breakdown or fell into depression after pondering on "whys"?
• hated everything about life's presentation or tableau of something/someone?
• have thoughts ever attacked you?
• gave literally everything up?
• felt abandoned?
• seeked desperately to be alone when everyone are desperate to get attached?
• been scolding and torturing bullying and ignoring God very rudely?
• felt alone after friends and helpless after help?
• felt like hiding?

guiltily i have.

fuck on!
i am a fucker with friends and my friends KNOW it. we are asses ourselves. whether we put others down, we bully, we unreasonably hate, we back stab, we gossip, we lust after etc, we know it. we are not good people. our friendship itself is at times even based on it. sometimes I don't have the courage to correct you sometimes i totally enjoy it what we do. its what makes us click! lets fuck on!

music
Check out The Puppini sisters. they rock! Think the cheeky girls with sex appeal.
also check out: Milburn and Turin brakes

of the days

PDL aka "groundbreaking manifesto" quote of the day:
"I was too busy" or "I had my goals"... To all excuses God will respond, "Sorry, wrong answer. I(God) created, saved, and called you and commanded you to live a life of service. what part did you not understand?" the bible warns unbelievers, "He will pour out his anger and wrath on those who live for themselves," but for Christians it will mean a loss of eternal rewards..." (this fyi scared the hell out of me. :-D)
side note: Honestly when I'm busy with my goals, i won't even think it is an excuse or say "i was too busy". Life gets to you because you are in it and people get too busy to survive and be good to oneself. be safe. but sigh. it will mean a loss of eternal rewards... so oh well all our houses would shrink a little.

Chat with friend quote of the day:
FB: God should really speak to people who speak to Him.
M: BUT but but He does! but sometimes he will not answer because he will wait for a better time for you to be ready/it is not the right time/he'll answer you another time/maybe it's a no...
FB: You should stop giving God excuses.

Fact of the day:
Elijah was suicidal!

Reply of the day:
Swinburne, Keith Ward etc are Richard's greatest joke butts. Lee Strobel is apparently still untouched. hence i like to refer to him as fair comparison. i also apologize for crude language and often non understandable writings i rant here for often when i blog, i write in a sleepy drone. but i need to let go of some feelings that i swear were sensible at a moment of randomness. i am always left the most tired part of the day to write lost and vague thoughts of enlightenment now and its killing my brain to recall all the juice. blahhhh

Richard Dawkin's joke of the day:
Predators seem beautifully designed to catch prey animals, while prey animals seem equally beautifully 'designed' to escape them. Whose side is God on?
My joke of the day:
...Our side. for we eat all of them :)

Random thought of the day:
To believe in advanced Darwinism, i would have to believe in aliens(trust me they do have a logical explanation.) but apart of me only wants nothing but God to descend from the sky.

Below is a pillowfile. aka child molester spelt horribly wrong.
Sexy.

the magnifying glass and the ant

Science fiction
Fa fa fa by Datarock is twinkly beepily on the background of my house now. Been out thinking about stuff. realized how my faith in God can so easily be wavered by reading about science. its hard to maintain a faith when scientific reasoning and psychological/mental processing grows against the ignorant mr. religion. every page i flip on the God Delusion book by Richard dawkins, it strips away Lee Strobel's core evidences for a God in the book a case for a Creator.this copy of richard dawkin's book in which i have recommended everyone to read including my dad but NO ONE laid a hand on it, is only found in my hands now. everyone behaves as if ignorant about it. or maybe they are afraid of this demonic red book afraid of the truth is so childish. people treat it with no deal or interest. WHY? it matters because it is about your life nd death and after death if there is... other Christians i showed it to in camp/church gawk at me or stare at me with how-can-you-think-about-doing-such-things look. people put it off as fabricated or without factual backing but please pick it up FIRST and begin reading before judging. who is being too quick to judge when it comes to knowing? who is assuming when things require judgment? people could read lee strobel first like what i did but from my experience, prepare to see magic as one after another, lee's evidence gets debunked by richard's wit, logic, common sense, science explanations and shocking twists. this makes me go: who is the one lying in this game of question and answer. why hasn't anyone seen this yet? have you? if not then how do you know i am wrong? or is it what you feel i am: wrong? then read the books and debunk with as much certainty as you now assume i have on these 'lies'. open minds and open hearts is moral and logical. there is nothing wrong with knowing abit more of 2 sides in case you end up dying mentally lopsided. but maybe thats the way life should be. maybe we need to hold on to religion, despite it's obsolete basis in a scientific realm of todayness, to cultivate a well behaved rule abiding and ?fearing society.
reading books like PDL and other religious books like those by famous pastors sometimes make my hair stand. there was one book i found called 'the fear of the Lord' by John Bevere that begun with God speaking to him and making him cry and getting him all emospiritual high thingie. i admittedly was quick to judge especially when he so energetically weeped and sang loudly to God with tears rolling down his cheeks as an opener for his book. its so vague a man's basis on faith. but some things never look the same to me after Knowing that there is another side to Hisstory.
randomly, the word 'Lord' when dissected, reminds me of 'ORD LO'.
I cant see myself weeping in public and becoming a changed man thereafter like the very emotionally inclined pastor and many females alike btw. i tried but i seem to shiver at my own embarrassment sometimes. arm raising in church also becomes so cliche and awkward when God is placed in perspective violently in my mind halfway through a worship session. it makes me feel unholy. i feel guilty for these thoughts and feel very very bad inside but of course i can hold pain in myself forever for inspiringly, women have been doing just that since forever. these occurances draws me even further from God nevertheless. but what is distance when i can engulf my soul with self pity to romanticize on. :-)

about loneliness
debrah was talking to me about loneliness in cell. she was shocked that i trusted no one. everyone had no problems at this and i just giggled and joked on relentlessly. i gave up pursuing the issue years ago inside. pursuits these days do not aways give answers. to me. loneliness is a feeling debrah, that is not always by human rejection or a lack of good friends definitely. or compassion from others or a lack of love and all those nonsense shit. loneliness is the lack of like-minded people. loneliness is also felt when i have the inability to attain what others can attain so naturally. like faith. or God. loneliness is also an illness. the feeling of dissatisfaction hence, the lack of. an illness to perfectionists, the creative, the eccentric. loneliness is not having noone but having nothing but everyone. loneliness is seeing something out of nothing that really is something. loneliness is obsessive. loneliness is best expressed/romanticized/embraced. gives creativity/existence some warmness and pity, both btw i feel are the greatest emotions to indulge in. for they tickle. debrah advised counseling but how can?? when all i can think of is to counsel everyone else to think juuuuuuuuuust like me... i'm screwed up. thank You Lord. this makes me special. very unique. very different...
very lonely.

miscellaneous
AHH! my standby week is getting robbed... on duty i was so bored, i actually wrote a number in a sudoku grid! fa fa fa! fafafafafafah!

Fall in love with music by music

Skanky-fartsy music videos to catch on youtube today all you young punks!
Songs that made these artists worth listening. again.
and again.
You dont know how loooooong i did to compile this so give these a listen.

1. Men's Needs by the Cribs
2. The facts of Life by Black Box Recorder
3. Swingset Chain by Loquat
4. I believe by Simian Mobile Disco
5. Hide and seek by Imogen Heap
   
6. Don't Stop by Brazilian Girls
7. The prayer by Bloc party
   
8. Swan Meat by Subtle
9. Against All Odds by The Postal Service
   
10. They Made the Frogs Smoke Till they Exploded by Mum
11. Come on my Selector by Squarepusher
12. Empty Walls by Serj Tankian
    
13. Objects of my Affection by Peter Bjorn and John
14. Where I Belong by Honeyroot
    
15. You!Me!Dancing! by Los Campesinos
16. Must be the Moon by Chk Chk Chk(!!!)
17. In the Waiting Line by Zero 7
18. Only You by Portishead
19. Burn my Shadow by Unkle feat Ian Astbury
    

Young Folks!

Young Folks
Peter Bjorn&John feat Victoria Bergsman of The Concretes.
Watch and Read:

this song has made a huge impact on me after watching it on mtv exactly 2 years ago. my favorite song above anything, even Zootwoman or Jamiroquai or tatu. the lyrics changed what i perceive of the world and friendship and life. its a more intimate day to day appreciation kind of change. made me romanticize moments in life. somehow i also seek to become less materialistic, less idealistic, less elitist/judgmental. also note the influence the graphic i did on my right of this blog. the one of "true love!"... same same right... haha. songs rarely give out a warm nostalgic feeling. this does. better than any hey there delilah crap. dont believe? see below.

live in Saturday night live! super adorable video! i want to learn to dance like peter and have a warm hug with that girl.

burn my shadow

Unkle feat Ian Astbury
"Burn my Shadow" watch and read:

is about something/someone
that had ruined
a person's
entire life that one day
when he/she wakes up
for another day,
he/she cannot eliminate
that past
regardless of present and future
and self-destructs
thereafter.

I love Jesus for giving me spiritual highs. Those moments were great.

Pointers PDL chapter 29 and Lapse

Pointers PDL chapter 29
1a. from the day we were born we were indebted. We owe our living and we are to serve Him. No choice suck thumb.
1b. I am quite hippie and I honestly cannot tolerate being chained up. It’s totally against my rights as a free minded person I am in nature.
1c. Therefore sadly, you made the doll with one leg; the doll would have one leg.

2. Doing things especially for oneself is usually wrong and unnecessary. (Think: selfish in secular realm.) in fact people who invest in their own lives most are not the best people for ministry or be most suitable to serve God with greatest returns. Your inner most conscience of what you place in priority with regards to your own life determines your aptitude of service to the Lord. Although everyone can serve, there is still most effective people and least effective people. But of course God will judge.

3. So stop investing in yourself. The more pathetic you are the more chances you get (logically) to be selfless/to serve/to rely on God/invest in others. The greater then, would also be your rewards in heaven for remember whatever thing happens or thing you cause or happen to your life would occur for a reason. So make yourself a more righteous life happen for a better reason. I hope you comprehend this cos I believe this is very important for all of us.
So quit your high paying job, stop clubbing, expanding your materialistic secular social circle if you want to be most right with God and might get to be rewarded bountifully in heaven.
PS: although the “rewards” part is ironically selfish and all but righteously treat it as a side note and not as core factor.

Lapse
what do you want to eliminate from you? my mind. what do you want to be? be answered. have you changed? how? i will not talk. i have spoke enough when i was young. now i seek better ways to prove my illness. speech is evil, often selfish sinful and cunning. silence is sexy.

The feeling of total ignorance (extreme) of what is real and secular literally everything, in defiance of what is spiritually well. This allows the human to deny all consideration of self improvement/success/care for anything regarding oneself. This however causes a relapse where literal disregard of self becomes self hatred and an addictive sense of reckless freedom. (Holding no decorum, no self discipline, no conscience or consciousness.) This occurs normally and dangerously with imperfection. The wholesomeness of this effect causes a sense of soreness, angst and hostility towards oneself in disbelief or unacceptance of who or what he is/ the condition of oneself that it pushes him to extreme perceptions of reality. This makes him recluse, become mentally alone, mentally wretched. This anger as said is sparked by tire, hopelessness in life and the cold hard reality of what we deal as life. Life is silent and ignorant towards the eccentric people who are in constant attacks by life’s harsh environment in a very complex palate unfelt by others. Hate and anger is thus slapped across oneself by this. A confusion and unacceptance of reality causes the person to take it on god. Causing a spiritual and personal rift. He feels secluded/alone/depressed hence feels like the best release is still death by ending it all even if he is apparently alright in every other secular aspect of living for life does not interest him nor is it important to build up for as the end requires no worldly achievements.

my mind crumples into itself
as i contradict my own mind
with ironic logic and logical irony.
i want to escape something
i cant put finger on
but sometimes things are so clear
i can embrace it.
i want to let go of what is real
but this is retarded to normal people.
i believe and hold tight to fantasys
this is as retarded.
i am going mad! :-D
thankfully this helps me boost artistic pursuits
and i like it
as it gives so much inspiration.
this madness is my fate.
i embrace my illness.
Jesus gave this to me
to utilize it and die embracing
this thing i still do not know if it is a curse
or a gift.

Cheers.

Null and void

Right now I am sitting in my room and ranting. Ranting about life’s crap and how God had destroyed me with this mind he gave me that can’t get enough satisfaction of pondering over issues that people don’t have. That makes me different and alone. That makes me weird. That makes me a person who is now making noise over absolutely nothing. This makes me irritating. This makes me stubborn/waste of time and airspace. This causes disinterest and frustration as to why is he like that and why can’t he be satisfied with faith/trust. People have no idea what it is like to have 2nd thoughts on life’s simplest things. I phrased it all wrong I think. I think I have no idea what is wrong with me. Logic wavers here but to me I seem to have the most logic and sense. Everyone speaks with such ignorance of possibility and is closed. But people label ME as the one closed and stubborn. But if I am so, I would be the one holding the answers. That way things close. I am too open. My soul is not satisfied.

I rather have a caveman version of spiritual growth, as compared to a traditional Christian conviction as a spiritual growth. Getting to know a God by mere state of natural realisation without any complex interpretations and schemes (sometimes cunning and wrong in approach) ruins my development of my conscious mind of anything directly from God. Premonition, influence, propaganda, media, politics need not be explained in social brainwash causing “God begins to exist with a fear of hell.” movements.

My mental state is inarguable, stolid and unwavering. Stubborn or steadfast? Doubting or thinking? Cynical or rational? Consciousness or illness? Thoughts, I cant live without harms me. My decision to only seek God and resolve complexities myself with God (because no other human being possesses a consciousness alike mine to accurately parallel similar wavelengths/degree/accuracy/perception of my life. I have opinions. I judge. I can be wrong but some things I can’t be wrong. Some things everyone is wrong. Trust is not an issue. Cynicism is not an issue. Emotions is not an issue. In fact problems are not an issue. The answers are.

I believe in keeping oneself in this balance of a mental state where a human soul cannot be destroyed by the secularism of the worldly, as well as, get too crushed by the complexities of a spiritual high where there is no where else but downhill thereafter. Being “not here, not there” is what is best for me. There is at least some form of hope in this stage where I could at least have moments of an emospiritual uplift when I see God’s work being done as well as have enough temptations to make me repent and ask god for forgiveness, not lacking a healthy conversing relationship with the Lord. This is unorthodoxically like a game to me. Or a channel 8 serial/saga where ups and lows fluctuate in order for the plot to develop where the ending is no big a deal but the long process is.

Can I retain a spiritual high? Grasping on to God is like catching a housefly and sometimes when you catch the fly, you didn’t catch it and you are even more frustrated.

Disturbia

Shia LaBoef does not have many facial expressions. he has one: the shock innocent look. Unfortunately this is a cheap China-copy of Frodo's look.

I am actually having nights out every time I dismmount these days! What a pleasant and surprising joy like the occasional butterfly fluttering in the beautiful sky! It was supposed to be stay in before the event I am disallowed to disclose or blog about, but I am out now again, typing a post to distract you from the previous suicidal post I posted up! Wow! So I have stocked up my maggi mee, cookies, biscuits and of course chocolate frogs, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans and Butterbeer in preparation for a week(next week) of utter hell! I hate coookhouse food! Most of the rrations are soggy, banal, oily, bland and brown here.
Oh I have managed to force my friends to make collages in camp with me! All I needed was scissors, scraps of paper, my notebook and glue which I brought. And to be honest, they made the UGLIEST collages! They know it because I told them. It was all wrong! Argh! They spoilt it all! But oh well this brought me to a conclusion that collages are like feng shui. Long explanation why and I care not to write it all down here.
Glad I watched Disturbia during my job (PS: its not an Italian or Russian word the directors tried to use to impress us with their multilingualism or a mysterious secret codeword that unlocks the pandoras box which would then release demons into the world that-would-eventually-kill-us-all-help-me, BUT anti-climatically it’s the name of their little town. What a pleasant and surprising joy like the occasional shit fluttering in the beautiful sky and landing on my sorry little face!) Was a very easy-peasy cheesy-beesy lamey-tamey movie. Horror for noob amateurs. The storyline was so retardedly stupid, I felt like I was watching little red riding hood. Everything is in your face and nothing really lasting lingered after the show except perhaps enjoying Sarah Roemer frolicking herself in the sun-with ShiaLaBeouf voyeuring along with you.(sounds very wrong) I didn’t really like the movie maybe because of how lame the mass murderer died? (PS: he fell.) Or how perversely unscarey he looked the whole while (they probably had Anthony Hopkins in mind). Sub-standard acting and semi-hot girl lead added to the concoction of ‘stupid’. Also makes me very curious about America’s promiscuity promotion among its youth going on, as I see ShyaLeBeouf-orwhateverthatdorkyguyiscalled, heavy petting his prized girl on her 4th visit to his house, with his stereotypically stupid Chinese friend watching in a dark corner, filming it all, this was the romantic ending. So erm, if you disagree with my critic which I believe is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay better and funnier than any critic you can find on any government-registered or film-production-endorsed magazine or site (where most critics gave this movie 3-4 stars out of like 5.) who haggles their authority over your eyes to watch a lame flick for your hard earned money, then go watch the movie.

Frogboyness says:

or i can bring my gun to orchard road

Frogboyness says:

and go to jail

NATALIE says:

yeah

NATALIE says:

if they ask, blame me

Frogboyness says:

ok

NATALIE says:

then my blog gets free publicity in the papers

NATALIE says:

J

Frogboyness says:

yll be famous

NATALIE says:

definitely

NATALIE says:

dream come true

Frogboyness says:

good advertising

Frogboyness says:

sure got guys flooding one

NATALIE says:

and ull get free food and free lodging for the next 5-6 years (ie jail)

Frogboyness says:

wahh

Frogboyness says:

so cool

NATALIE says:

HELLO i ALREADY have guys flooding

NATALIE says:

=P

Frogboyness says:

and caning too! ive always wanted to try that

NATALIE says:

yes caning sounds fun

Frogboyness says:

ya

NATALIE says:

i heard ur butt splits open

Frogboyness says:

wow

NATALIE says:

and u cant sit for days

NATALIE says:

thats like how cool

Frogboyness says:

cool man

Frogboyness says:

cant wait

NATALIE says:

exciting

Frogboyness says:

excite

NATALIE says:

oh and u get to bankrupt ur dad too

Frogboyness says:

oh!

NATALIE says:

they will fine him tons of money

Frogboyness says:

great then surely go heaven one

NATALIE says:

oh yes

Frogboyness says:

cos poor ppl sure go heaven!

NATALIE says:

yups yups

Frogboyness says:

yay

NATALIE says:

good plan

Frogboyness says:

J

Frogboyness says:

:P

Frogboyness says:

ok

NATALIE says:

remember to hide in a toilet at heeren. too many people hide in the cineleisure toilet

NATALIE says:

not original anymore

Frogboyness says:

oh ya

NATALIE says:

heeren is far more hip

NATALIE says:

got HMV

Frogboyness says:

and must wear pink tuxedo not black

Frogboyness says:

more strking

NATALIE says:

oh yes almost forgot

NATALIE says:

pink more people notice mah

Frogboyness says:

ya

NATALIE says:

pink is cool

Frogboyness says:

more stylo too

NATALIE says:

very metro

Frogboyness says:

ya

Frogboyness says:

love it

NATALIE says:

all the press photographers will want to take ur pic when ur caught in the heeren toilet

Frogboyness says:

ya il be so famous too!

NATALIE says:

ur pic will appear in the papers more than mine!

NATALIE says:

wow killing 2 birds with one stone

NATALIE says:

cool man

shake me like demon possession

I hate the stirring that is within me now. Fuck it if you think I'm emo or what ever secular movement you assume I find refuge in but I am not talking like this on basis of pop culture or trend. These shit are fucking real ok. And also I don’t want to know what you think about what I think nor should you treat me differently when you see me. I would like you to understand and wish me good luck. Don’t be a motherfucker thanks.

Bitterness fills my miserable fucking heart right now
Fuckingly again.
Like an occasional fit or a repetitive momentum what the fuck.
I thus had to unleash this resent like captive wild animals
I had to release my verbal diarrhoea
For they creep up from my inner most self and shake me like demon possession.
Fuck everything I say for they serve no purpose so far
More importantly are solutions.
Rehabilitation of the soul, mindset and psychological consciousness cannot be repaired by a counsellor for he would hold a different consciousness.
God is also not a solution when the problem is the source as well.
The ultimate solution for anything now is suicide.
Yes I'm back with my hobby: mulling over on how I can silence myself.
Something so resolute and ultimate.
So peaceful and so proving.
People fucking rant that it's the most stupidest thing to do blah blah blah
But think about it in a concerted perspective:
Trading your currant life is the greatest sacrifice to attain greatest release.
Hell/Heaven might not even exist. Even mother Theresa pondered so. Twice.
"Better to be safe than sorry" is hypocritical and wrong in motive hence you would end up in hell anyway.
If the Trinity was one entity, Jesus commited suicide.
Suicide might just be the greatest answer, release, freedom, act or ending for universal unrelinquishing pain.
For pain fights pain most effectively and resolutely.
Now in a dazed realm of fucking emotions which sometimes can be detachedly beautiful,
I ponder on the sanity of my efforts:
If death isn't on your mind than you must be in another consciousness entirely materialistic, debted, faith based, or mood based.
For nothing meaningful is real if not foundationalized by the above mentioned.
Cheers to death. (taking things beyond the religious and secular perspective)

Tips:
1. When you are angry, go for a jog. Because you are so murderous, you feel like you are flying and you can accomplish 6km effortlessly.
2. I sent this thought through an sms to myself as declaration and a release of the first tier of emotions aka the surface emotions.
3. Typing out what you truly feel ignoring all moral respect to anyone including God or myself helps me organise my thoughts and settle things eventually. I would forget at the next moment, making that moment the happier times of anyone's wretched life.

PS: i'm not dead.

Free cat

Cupids chokehold is a dirty little suction cup

Stood against all the other ladies who tried to stir men like me
Her bee stung lips is flushed with dull disposition.
Drug abusing façade makes me envisage her raped past.
Sultry solvent eyes with luscious swollen eye bags as black as night lingers
Silently.
Wearing all the cheap wrong clothes.
Her unkempt chopped hair suits my unkempt mind.
Her imminent sadness eludes attracts me like Egyptian mirth and oils.
Her head seem to be born downwards looking.
Her skeletal fingers crumple alongside each other.
Her ashen skin radiates her inner lacklustre soul.
She has lost all optimism of personal preservation
It romantically parallels mine.

Oh how much I hanker after you but what the fuck-
You’re still 7!

Another lapse…

Cursed
Broken
Miserable.
This is just a long phase to endure.
Empty prayers every night
As I crave to be right
Or to wake up invigorated like never before
But I simply get embedded deeper into this shit.
I grasp onto a vague shadow of hope. I rummage through different excuses to live for another day.
I hold comforts in sin and the obscure
Because its biting wholesomeness and authenticity
Draws me.

I will be gone for long

Sadness engulfs my intricate soul.
I will not be able to book out for the coming next two weeks aka 3rd September, Monday onwards due to some reasons I am not allowed to disclose. So wish me well. i will miss fresh air and friends that come along with it. Kind of himbotically upset too that the 'Comex' exhibition didn't really sell 'Comics'...
Want:

• HP student laptop S$1499! Wawaweewa!
• A scanner! Very in deep desire for one.
• to meet friends. :'(
• to do art!
• to go shoppalating...
  
• to memorize memory verses! its true!
• To download music but cant anymore. :'(
  

Already have:

• White Stripes album: Icky Thump. Boo. Lousy. Wasted my money.
• Calvin Klein latest season red rimmed edition underwear now $20 (previously $35@ citylink) at Suntec city clothes warehouse sale. Hurray for my comfortable balls!
• eaten subway free upgrade meal twice. good deals as always. subway i am proud of you once again!
• tried Coco Loco twice in Gloria Jeans. the one at raffles City is 50 times better than the one at suntec. inexperienced people made my coffee at suntec outlet. Boo.
• A new saved soul from my unit 2 weeks ago. thanks to my evangelistic officer.
• MIO tv.

Read local:

• Pili Pala: A singapore reader's digest, very very intriguing
• Catalog: A great style magazine attained free from selected stores.

Been busy getting recalled… going out… having fun… im sorry. Nothing to say this week. Cheers from the frog boy. :O)