Epiphany

O Lord I am so thankful I have a forgiving living Father who welcomes back his prodigal son with a lavish feast and joy. Although I do not deserve even the food scraps.

Your overwhelming protection (I can feel it) is like what Rihanna sang about: an umbrella over my head defending me against the worst things that could have satanically corrode me into despair of disrepair. Or possibly even worse. Remember I sang the song along the sidewalks of my army camp, ‘Why does it always Rain On me’ By Travis to my friend? Well, I really was at an all time emotional low that day and you know who I missed most? Not my friends. Not my parents. Its You dear Lord. Your presence when I worship You in church when I was younger. Your dreams. Happy dreams you bring promises through. Most importantly, the refuge in times of need and the hug and warmth I get under your arms of unconditional love for You are Love.

I apologized many a time and right now, I apologize to you once again for my arrogance and everything I did so very wrong that possibly made You disappointed at me; for my lack of willpower, strength, righteousness and for my weak salvation. I AWOLed from you. I was defiant, pushing the limits of your tolerance and testing your love and methods for reasons to make logic out of logic I could barely judge well with my limited brain capacity… well, guilt ridden I am now, I bow down to you in humble revere and remorse towards You and Your logic of everything that technically is way far superiors’ mine. Unfortunately like all failures, I doubt myself in weakness and I thus have a morbid hopelessness in myself as I declare that I still might not have reached your doorstep and surrendered my life with the most open heart but I know one thing Lord, and that’s that it would be the matter of time, effort and destiny that I would desire with new yearn like never before. I do believe I would soon long for that once more, for I so want the shroud of safety and refuge I used to stretch my wings within, that makes me feel so free; free in You.

Dark worries I frighten myself with would seize and the silent awe of Your pulsating living presence would fill me with spirit like never before. I want to be a Christian of goodness and one who suffers for a purpose in this sinful realm. I want to suffer for You Lord and not for absolute foolishness I lead myself head on into.

Right now I would want to serve You and You only Lord. Not my selfish, subconscious, vicious, quick, maneuvering, tactical, instinctive, shrewd, cunning, sneaky, skilled sinful initiatives that are works of the devil. I pray I do not host the devil’s intentions in my body. Many a times sin comes to me through self gratification, out of need, to pass time, to get accepted or even to get what is deemed as a normal life but Lord, help me get what is right into my head and assist me by giving me the Blessed Power to fight off the evil sinful nature like never before as these are difficult tasks. Then, do watch me grow and learn to remain healthily; close to your bosom of refuge and strength in which I would be sufficiently loved in. O Lord how I wish You had a physical body for me to touch you and evoke living solid assured emotions for You Lord. I yearn and crave so strongly for You and need You right now but I cannot find the hem of Your coat on many days. All I have is words God-breathed and living examples of Your likeness which sometimes are not enough to a stubborn rotten smartass heart like mine. I do wish that the next time I speak, I speak of overwhelming praise of my renewed salvation in you, baptized and ready to do Your work. Oh God You Know it~

Amen.

Sin and sensibility

Songs that are just so poppily dance!

1. Lovestoned (I think she knows interlude) by Justin Timberlake
2. Don't stop the Music by Rihanna
3. Keep Your Hands Off my Girl by Good Charlotte
4. Something Kinda Ooh by Girls Aloud
5. Cartoon Heroes by Aqua
   

i want answers! i want answers!!!

anyway life kinda sucky now... realised when i book out the whole world is either studying, somewhere else or somewhere else or somewhere else. and i would be stuck with either army mates or myself. this drives me craaaaaaaaaazy. i have been reading stuff here and there, not getting more intelligent not getting more wise but ifeel that sometimes the great stuff i read fly away into my mind's daydream and i would loose it. my brain is rotting! i need to think. and reading isnt doing any good. Shu Qi in My wife is a gangster 3 is so HOT. yes that i can meditate on. my friend said she was in a porn movie before... but i wont know noting my striking innocence... and on the army uniforms there is this patch of camoflage that forms a man's face with curly hair. all army men out there go examine your uniforms there would be this patch that looks like a man's head with curly hair! but it doesnt have eyes and mouth and nose! its just a face without any features. my friends and me spent a great time filling in the features on many of our buddy's uniforms. and we were so happy for a while. many of the features i drew onto unknowing people's uniform were hideous but super funny. especially when they dont know it cos the 'face' is found on his back where all can see except oneself. sadly afetr a wash or two, the pen ink disappears and there is no more smiley face anymore.... sigh.

Sin. We all commit it. It is wrong. Was reading a book by St Augustine and I have noted his keen and good willed thoughts. He pondered hard over the origins of sin and its responsibility it has upon the individual.

“I was told that we do evil because we choose to do so of our own free will, and suffer it because your justice rightly demands that we should. I did my best to understand this, but I could not see it clearly. I tried to raise my mental perceptions out of the abyss which engulfed them, but I sank back into it once more. Again and again I tried, but always I sank back. One thing lifted me up into the light of your day. It was that I had a will, as surely as I knew that there was life in me. When I chose to do something or not to do it, I was quite certain that it was my own self, and not some other person, who made this act of will. So that I was on the point of understanding that herein laid the cause of my sin. If I did anything against my will, it seemed to me to be something which happened to me rather than something which I did, and I looked upon it not as a fault, but as a punishment. And because I thought of you as a just God, I admitted at once that your punishments were not unjust.

But then I would ask myself once more: ‘who made me? Surely it was my God, who is not only good but Goodness itself. How, then, do I come to possess a will that can choose to do wrong and refuse to do good, thereby providing a just reason why I should be punished? Who put this will into me? Who sowed this seed of bitterness in me, when all that I am was made by my God, who is Sweetness itself? If it was the devil that put it there, who made the devil? If he was a good angel who became a devil because of his own wicked will, how did he come to possess the wicked will which made him a devil, when the creator, who is entirely good, made him a good angel and nothing else?’”

sometimes some questions cannot be answered and through the understanding of God’s purpose for allowing sin and it’s throbbing guilt after effect to be used as the most effective tool to capture truant and stubborn hearts, then I guess I have no logical renunciation to that.

ka-ching

Top 5 for now
1. Driftwood by Travis
2. Re-offender by Travis
3. Grey day by Zootwoman
4. Push up on me by Rihanna
5. Neverland by The Knife

Kind of bought The Best of Travis CD today in Gramaphone. I really like their soppy quiet ambient they offer. Like a lullaby to a dying child…won the new paper competition thingie and got an ipod nano (new edition set 4GB) worth s$365! I didn’t expect to even win the gadget my gosh just entered the competition for the fun of it. The genre fo the week wasn’t even my forte (hip-hop)… haha. My dad went to collect it today. It rocked. I like having 2 mp3 players at hand. Haha. I can’t stand my mum recently. Still have not forgiven her for buying her $70,000 necklace my father paid for her at Larry’s Jewellery yesterday. I mean that is the cost of my uni fees lar! 5 digits… and somepeople cant even see 4 digits ever in their lives at all and she has to send it on diamonds. Such wastedness. Even I who likes to spend don’t touch that kind of money and I prioritise well I believe. And I like Ikea’s 30cent paper bags. Go get one for I got mine today with arty. He gave me a free taxi ride so hurrah to that too. Hung out in Irene’s $2000 a month boarding house today for a night just came back. Love the place fully airconditioned and just beside Orchard mrt. What a dream. Was joking that we could rent it from her by using Tim’s ocs pay. And we can have the place for ourselves. Ha. Watched Borat, ¼ of Jarhead, 1/7 of Babel and Transformers, Boiling Points and other shows. Ate Canadian Pizza (Meat lovers rocked) and KFC. Pigged myself out. Vic turned up too! What a surprise. I skipped church again. I hate ya service. (is it wrong to say that???) and 2 non-christians actually asked me why I skipped it and I told them because I suck. Yup.

Loneliness sometimes isn’t because you don’t have friends or that you don’t have God who looks over you. But that you are stubbornly unsatisfied. Or maybe you are just in denial but cant be la huh? Maybe…

In a technological world people like me suffer la. See even now I feel that I am talking to myself. Sometimes people are too distant. They rather converse with the com or the tv. Some rather listen to their mp3. direct contact becomes rare when you are out in the real world…

As a youth I had prayed to You for chastity and said, give me chastity and continence -but not yet.
St Augustine, AD 354-430, Confessions of a sinner

Is this justifiable? Is this defiance or humane? Is this fair or is this wrong? But really sometimes I do feel a need for experimentation, testing some waters or of trying out the darker side for once. Being fervent forever will do no Christian any good for being so might blind ourselves and we could attain loose and frail faith which we believe is solid faith or belief in the God we are so accustomed to. But upon an upheaval like a spiritual attack, will privileged silver-spoon-fed Christians have the nuts to remain firm without remaining blind and fumbling in blatant fear? Think about it-no. agreed that it is a route also of no return but I tell you the route of return is definitely wider and more sturdy than the well trodden safer route.

August 6, 1914
…my life had dwindled dreadfully, nor will it cease to dwindle. Nothing else will ever satisfy me. (My strength) perhaps has already vanished forever; perhaps it will come back again, although the circumstances of my life don’t favour its return. Thus I waver, continually fly to the summit of the mountain but then fall back in a moment. Others waver too, but in lower regions, with greater strength; if they are in danger of falling, they are caught up by the kinsman who walks beside them for that very purpose. But I waver on the heights; it is not death, alas, but the eternal torments of dying.
Franz Kafka, Dairies

We seem to feel the same way as I read his diary many years later after his eventual death. His being stuck and he being trapped as well in turmoils indescribable to mere abcs. Our lives is a challenge that swerves away from normality and then back again and Kafka and me seem to be troubled over something so unknown and moving… describably vague but very apparent and real like how i expressed a few poems ago when i was fucked up! i described it like he did here! about summiting and then falling unlike other privilaged people who would never understand ever... sigh. Like a cut or a bruise. Lets hope this roller-coaster ride we call life would calm down and “come back again, although the circumstances of my life don’t favour its return…”

I’m the moth you’re the butterfly

Friends would laugh but I laugh with them
For they’ve never felt how I feel before.
Your joy seems to flutter like a graceful butterfly everyday
And my clumsy longing for you would trail you like a ricocheting moth.
When I see you, you are always full of that’s-why-I-love-you-ness
Your petite existence seems to be a big deal to me but you wouldn’t know it of course.
Your imperfections are just why I so dig you.
Your laughter is so avant-garde
And your expressions often arbitrary.
Suddenly you would make me go pop-
Like a pleasant surprise!
Everything about you is so awesome…

That’s why I never dare take you
In fear I might destroy what nature has so magnificently set for your soul.

Oh, and also because I can only get close to you in my dreams.
Cheh. But sometimes fiction makes more sense than reality.

Hermess

Every touch was torture
She wrapped his injuries meticulously slow but painfully tight.
He heaved hard looking straight ahead with a stern frown.
Silence.
She inched up to his torso and accessed another wound with her supple fingers
Overwhelmed with pity and guilt she attempted a little innocent peck
But before she could
He stood up with a violent stumble
And tottered off from the corner bench into light
Staring at his defiant silhouette
She knelt there cupping her broken heart
She failed.

a lousy love poem

You, who wound us up like to the tightest tension
In a matter of hours though I've known you for a year.
You, whose words were once droplets, now flood
You witty thing, in the dark our bodies merged
Even though our words were rapier
Collapsing into an emotional sludge
Making the taxi driver blush.

You, who shared a meal with me,
Then shared it with some handsome stranger,
Like when I held some out to that stray kitten.
You did it, damn you
You made me want to quote Thomas Carew
While I laughed along in camaderie.

For a week like your deceitful namesake
You gave me an apocalyptic ache
Only a bird's song for relieve.
And as we played out that last scene
I decided to play you just the same.

How I hope that moment after
You felt the same way, that
Sick little worm hollowing out your breast,
Bleeding a strange green and indigo.

There were windows for new scenery,
But neither of us wanted to hold the towel
And wipe that glass besmudged of ego.

As the concert came to an end
Our words came to a jarring halt.

And sometimes by the corner of my eye;

-by Martin Siew Wing Hei

(some people are poets and they just dont admit it)

horcruxes and hallows

Bands on my mp3:

1. Royksopp
2. De Phazz

Spent like crazy I gave up saving. But I spent on food. Pizza hut that went up to 15 bucks with my classmates and then crystal jade the next day at the same price. I ate some sweet flavoured worms (eels apparently) in Crystal Jade and they were awful both in taste and price. But jellyfish in sesame oil was good. I have officially entered my platoon and they were nice. They were planning a buffet and I almost died. My money is going down my stomach.went out with arthur to buy book. i ater at burger king to stifle my fast food crave and oh my gosh WHOPPER MEAL WAS ORGASMIC. fyi: i have no proper food in my camp. everymeal is a slab of black hard fish, dried chicken and brown mush which i suspect is kueh tiao. the stupid spotted fishes would always have the honors of partaking my share everyday. i hope i wont shrivel up into a bag of bones and dissapear into the horizon.

“I so totally killed Dumbledore on page 596 in Book 6.”

~ Snape

“Dumbledore never told you what happened to your father. . . I am your father.”

~ Lord Voldemort on Harry Potter

“And Harry Potter and all of his little wizard friends, went straight to hell for practicing witchcraft!”

~ Ned Flanders on Harry Potter

“Harry realised the scar had been red crayon the whole time.”

~ The controversial final lines of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

other seriously funny stuff HERE.

Finished deathly hallows. i can't wait for the next book: Harry Potter and the Snapes on the plane. in which JK would want to write in order for her to pay for her 4th 2nd house. apparently the plot would roughly be that Snape will have been working for Voldemort after all, and Harry will need to fight both his former teacher and a reincarnation of the Dark Lord, the latter of whom will literally be a voice inside the young wizard's head...
Jokes aside, If I described the book, I would end up all ironic. The book is all that I have expected and all that I have not. Harry Potter died, yet didn’t die. His friends died too but then there are those who didn’t. Characters like Snape and Dumbledore are what you think they are and not. The ending is what we didn’t want yet want at the same time it is ultimately very satisfying to a tiring 7 book series. JK Rowling is an amazing writer hands down. Clues as mind boggling as Dan Brown, personalities as real as reality, places as clearly and majestically defined as Tolkein’s and creatures as interesting as Kafka’s she twines it all together with culture injected as her style. Thematically, love is the most powerful magic of all. Morals like perseverance, priorities, righteousness and goodwill make this book still good for kids. Yet her book is also political, dark, witty and complex enough for young adults to appreciate. Her story is definitely gold. Her theories in explanations can get really far fetched like Harry’s connection with Vold and everything about their wands. One thing I leant from the book is that death shouldn’t be scary (I like the way she sees death) and that it IS possible to reject fame and fortune under tempting circumstances (a bit too far though). But overall the story was gripping. I don’t like Harry Potter. I like J.K Rowling.

Argh… some days I really feel that I need to find something to do on days when I book out and not. I cant stand not having any purpose in my life, just sitting there… doing nothing… well actually I realised I got two things to think about like which school I would want to go after army as well as what I am going to do in my spiritual life. But I can’t seem to pull myself up and do something. Laziness is so easy and just there for me to indulge wholesomely in.

“In purpose driven life, Jesus identified 3 unreceptive attitudes- a closed mind (hard soil), a superficial mind (shallow soil) and a distracted mind (soil with weeds).” It made me ponder if I had them all. Emotions do close my mind to all explanations sometimes, generalising and sheer ignorance make me superficial in understanding and my lack of interest seem to kill focus. Maybe it’s the pop culture of today where a mindless senseless walk in Orchard road or flying on a dragon in a virtual realm of W.O.W is much more fulfilling for the day than to sit down at home and meditate or plan one’s life… I don’t know but I think I should change my reluctant habit to accept basic elements of life. But its gonna be hell tough.

I find it hard for myself to focus on the Lord and his Word. “Worrying is focused thinking on the negative. Meditation is doing the same thing only focusing on God’s word instead of a problem.” Well I do agree in an extent but I do feel that sometimes God’s word can get very dry. It lacks the punch sometimes unlike a harry potter… or any other interest-friendly concept. How I wish art plays a part in faith or how looking good helps you to grow in Christ-likeness. (But maybe I should just dream on la huh.)In the bible we (sadly) read about not doing what we often like etc and thus I don’t think I can be blamed for not enjoying bible study. Even cell/care group is bearable only with the company of friends.

“Not went to church for many days already but I don’t really feel much of a difference with a life with a God and one without.” I believe I have forgotten that there are non Christians or atheists thriving in this world and sinning every millisecond in this world and yet not feeling even a prick of remorse at all. It is thus a possible condition I am feeling. I have been too fortunate to be living in such a Christian environment I have never felt much of a day without Jesus supporting my back everywhere I go. Maybe sometimes I assume Jesus was supporting me because somehow even when I am by myself (without a thought of God), I seem to be able to pull through life’s adversities well. My sad morbid moments still follow in or out of faith and I feel as human as ever. I don’t know how God actually plays a significant role in my life in such a privileged world. Maybe I better buck up or he might just take everything away from me in an instant. But still if that would cruelly make me see the truth I have been craving for, what the heck just give it to me for all that life is worth for heaven is better in the end. My condition does not torture many people in this world but to me it is like a nail in my eye. I crave for spiritual milk but when I have the milk bottle, I look at it with disgust and throw it aside for a tomorrow that would never come. My condition is what Rick warren explains as spiritual anorexia. Something self inflicted yet still a disease. Curable though. Feeding and eating is a priority medicinal answer to become a healthy disciple of God. And the bible is the healthier choice: milk and bread; solid food basically. A great 4 course meal for spiritual strength and growth.

blood boil

Right now writing with
A stinging throat
Tensed short breaths
Heart ladened painfully with antipathy, torment and rage.
Eyes almost tearing and
My torso hurts.

I fall into this shrivelled curling gaunt mass of wretchedness.

The fragility of my world’s balance
Is tipped violently by my selfishness everyday.
My mirror reflects someone very repulsive
I would never want to witness myself
As I always saw myself exceptional.
I would replay nightmares over and over.
Then heave into another stratosphere of blankness-nothing.
Soon I ascend back to the morose reality and noting my patheticness
I would seemingly on cue, fall back into forlorn desolation like a fallen conqueror.
My self abhorrence would then peak.
I would critic myself unbearably
Reproaching me of things I really did
And then I would flounder in a sinister display of pain, suffering and misunderstanding
The need to die and let go
Inside my thawed spirit is obligatory
I think I called out to Jesus
But heard only echoes.
Sometimes I hear voices of benevolence
But they saunter away whispering. Judging.

I stand at the periphery of the balcony
In an empty room
Lamenting to thyself
F earning
U orbidding
C ickening
K ying.

Harry

Fucked up at the moment.

Any way life is life. Awkwardly, I read half of Harry Potter and the deathly hallows in my army uniform yesterday. How many people could share such an experience? Anyway I didn’t read finish the book. I read about half of it so far. One nsman read it all the way almost non-stop till the wee hours of the morning and finished it at 5.45am. I was more distracted I guess. yes Gabriel lied. hermionie didnt die. so now it proves effectively that he sinned more for not only did he steal, he lied.

oh and nat, amanda and celest, i think my msn screwed up itself when i was in army somehow i lost all your contacts. do re-add me. or re-send me your email. unsure if the nick you use for msn is same with the one you ppl use for other matters i duno.

Angry I cant go to church again. Angry I am unable to budge although I have substantial freedom. Angry that I am utterly not interested in so many important things right now. I feel fucked up. Its probably just a phase or me just throwing another random fit but I am so sick of this. Horrible examples and utterly inappropriate but analogically its like Harry’s mood swings and loose emotions when he cannot find any evidence to where the Horcruxes are hidden or when he feels the constant surge of pain on his forehead at times. And sometimes our pain gets so horrible we just feel like dying and giving it all up. And worst of all no one else feels our pain nor fully understands our pain and we do not tell others because all they could effectively offer are words. Or nods of effort. Sigh. Nothing much has progressed in my life. Just a maddening swirl of so many things that can never be defined by mere hlskjfjlljanlaknl.

deathly hallows

Back from another erm… day. Not shopping for the 3rd week. Actually I am saving to splurge. I also have my topman discounts to spend or give. Lets see my day was horrible. Two things: scoldings from superiors for slacking and being “bah-rong-rong” and I almost fought with a 30 year old ensman. Just when I thought I was supposed to be the immature one. Was also scolded at work for letting two women in short skirt in. I was supposed to book them. But I didn’t la for obvious reasons. Hence scolded. I guess I deserved it la huh…Anyway, I have finished my prac test. Soon I can go on with my daily duties normally. Lets see, 20 more days to pay day. Hurrah. I am so splurging. My wallet is already pulsating with dynamism. Robert boosted my ego 4 times today by telling me “you are the coolest guy I’ve ever met.” Wow. Thanks for the praise dude! I don’t deserve it.

…(a pause)…

Nawwww I think I do! Haha! Had a great time at the seaside at 11pm with Jinxiang, Robert and me feeding the fish, cuddling, star-gazing and listening and singing to my mp3 blasting Rihana’s new album. Another memorable moment I got from army I’ll never forget. feeding fish was fun. particularly with nicholas in the afternoon. we had lousy lunch. there were around 3 kinds of fish we saw. polka dotted ones who ate anything and are very fat, striped ones which are rare as well as silvr ones in which i remembered seeing sold in wet markets before. they ate rice to orange peels. stupid fishes. we were waiting for some navel divers to swim up and take a bite from our feed but the rare species of fish didn't appear to my dismay. :( Life is still good but spiritual wise –ahem-, I believe I am dead at that genus. Almost watched the movie ‘black sheep’ today with my mates because this term black sheep is very close to our hearts. We used to be called a black sheep by our sergeants if we were a liability to our platoon or when we are f___d up. So our sergeants would go: “YOU, are a BLACK SHEEP, to the ENTIRE platoon! YOU jollywell BUCKUP or I will make sure you’ll suffer like hell…” we didn’t watch it that day cos we intend to bring POH. The black sheep of our platoon to watch it along with us. That way, the move would bring meaning to the movie to a whole new level.

Found a revealing article on the net from new york times (aka very reliable source) about the latest book of the Harry Potter series that's to be released tomorrow. Read at your own discretion. here’s a snippet:

…and in this volume, the losses mount with unnerving speed: at least a half-dozen characters we have come to know die in these pages, and many others are wounded or tortured. Voldemort and his followers have infiltrated Hogwarts and the Ministry of Magic, creating havoc and terror in the Wizard and Muggle worlds alike, and the members of various populations — including elves, goblins and centaurs — are choosing sides.

Harry’s weird psychic connection with Voldemort (symbolized by the lightning-bolt forehead scar he bears as a result of the Dark Lord’s attack on him as a baby) seems to have grown stronger too, giving him clues to Voldemort’s actions and whereabouts, even as it lures him ever closer to the dark side. One of the plot’s significant turning points concerns Harry’s decision on whether to continue looking for the Horcruxes — the mission assigned to him by the late Dumbledore — or to pursue the Hallows, three magical objects said to make their possessor the master of Death.

Harry’s journey will propel him forward to a final showdown with his arch enemy, and also send him backward into the past, to the house in Godric’s Hollow where his parents died, to learn about his family history and the equally mysterious history of Dumbledore’s family. At the same time, he will be forced to ponder the equation between fraternity and independence, free will and fate, and to come to terms with his own frailties and those of others. Indeed, ambiguities proliferate throughout “The Deathly Hallows”: we are made to see that kindly Dumbledore, sinister Severus Snape and perhaps even the awful Muggle cousin Dudley Dursley may be more complicated than they initially seem, that all of them, like Harry, have hidden aspects to their personalities, and that choice — more than talent or predisposition — matters most of all…

Aww! Spoilt the book for you! Haw haw! oh and snape becomes headmaster and the trio leaves hogwarts to find horacruxes with tonnes of polyjuice potion. and but did this review tie in with an earlier spoiler by Gabriel a (yes ironically) religious hacker in the US who loves God and is anti-harry. his story is as follows:

Dear Brothers:

...Voldemort killed Hermione. Yes, that's true. At the end of the story Hagrid was killed by Snape in the attempt of ambush Hermione and Ron. Ron and Hermione flees in privet drive but Voldermort, surprising them, engaged a magical duel with Ron and Hermione. Voldemort attacked trough the imperius curse and Hermione, to protect the life of Ron fight hardly for more than 6 pages and then finally die. Then, to make a long story short, Harry came up, killed all the bad guys and Hogwarts again became a good place to stay and have fun.

Ah, i missed one important information about Draco Malfoy, he started to create the Horcruxes (for fun and profit.)
The end.

so do you believe this Gabby? well he caused a stir in US weeks ago. but one things for sure, there's gonna be alot of deaths... ah, we'll see it all tomorrow.good bye harry. i hope you die you hideous bi-spectacled loser.

the next big thing

Created by East Indians, named by Indonesians, and popularized by the Dutch, gingham fabric is an international phenomenon.i believe gingham shirts are the next big thing. leaking out from gap and other basic stores, i see a potential in this pattern. i do consider stripes a thing of the past. even checkered patterns. now something more clean and quiet is definitely gonna take front stage today. as showned, long sleeved belongs to one by calvin klein. the other by uniqlo. but honestly i believe you can find a decent one in giordano or song&song...

story of a murderer

In my mp3’s repeat mode:
The Salmon Song by The Chemical Brothers
Move in my direction by Bananarama
Somersault by Zero 7
Any song by De Phazz’s new album. They rock and I am going to steal them all from my chill-out fan cum army mate who recently bought all their albums. I think he needs to get used to it since he owns all the Bhuddar bar cds. Its like $1000 worth of a collection.

Haha, booked out again. Woot. Realized I can curb wasting money by sleeping first in the afternoon when I book out and waking up at the evening. This way I skip the time i always tempt myself from wasting money. i can see you clapping your hands for me. get enough sleep for… for… getting more sleep else where anyway. Anyway, senselessness aside, I have decided not to buy the Harry potter book. It is calculatively not worth the 50 bucks. And I can endure not reading it and having 1000 people uttering in my ear that Harry Potter won’t die when the book comes out. Anyway my mum agreed to sponsor the book and my elder brother is ordering it now and I am keeping the receipt cos I leave my work almost daily. Hence, technically I’m still going to read it and it is mine. :D. Felicia Chin!!!! I was waiting for dental today and dawned upon the Chinese magazine nu you and flipped through it and I saw an article on Felicia. She was wearing some European furs and leather and she looked like someone who a man (maybe me) would kill and extract female essence for making a perfume that could make anyone drunk in sexual ecstasy. This idea is from the R21 film Perfume which I watched at my job. 5 stars. love the movie. There was a woman who was really pretty in it. Karoline Herfurth. Hotness. I got to see her milkbubbles too. finished my test in my job today and passed with flying colours gave great answers and quotedly "gave the best answers so far as compared to the previous 3...". yes i know what you are thinking. i rock. i know. :)

Oh for fervents who are still at it about how Harry Potter is Satanic, I found this differing article in Christianpost.com in which I have quoted a part in their article When Harry Potter meets Satan (for the Order’s movie premiere):

“Without giving too much away, I noticed a key element in The Order of the Phoenix fantasy world that instantly connected with the calling of the Christian in the real world. In the film, Harry forms a group called Dumbledore’s Army, basically because the new Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is completely worthless and is actually hurting the students’ chances of successfully fighting Voldemort and his army. In a nutshell, Harry is running his own “Defense” class so he and his friends are prepared for the imminent attacks that are sure to come.
Again, this is fantasy. Dumbledore is fantasy. Hogwarts is fantasy. Voldemort’s nose is fantasy (o.k., I’ll let it go).
What is NOT fantasy is the battle against real evil and the real attacks that are coming your way in a real world near you. So you need your own defense against not dark arts but Satanic attacks. These assaults have plagued the human race since the-man-without-a-bellybutton and his (literal) better half named Eve ate from the WAY wrong tree (i.e. Genesis 3). For thousands of years the children of God have been in the crosshairs of Satan, and it is only going to get worse.
Fortunately, you don’t need to be a whiz kid or even a wizard for that matter to defend yourself. In fact, the Bible lays out our Defense Against Satanic Attacks in one passage:
A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere. (Ephesians 6:10-18)”

In another article, Harry Potter Occult or not :
Dr. Ted Baehr, founder of MovieGuide.org, however, was much stricter in his review.

“[T]he movie version of ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’ is liable to still do great business at the box office,” he wrote. “Regrettably, however, this means that even more children will be lured away from God and His Infallible Word, which says that witchcraft is evil and abhorrent. Instead of dreaming about the joys that God gives us through Jesus Christ, they will be dreaming of casting spells, using magic spells, riding brooms, and rebelling against their parents.”

See, I gave a balanced view. P.S Harry Potter never made me rebel against any parent nor do I dream of using magic spells and casting them. But I do dream of having super natural powers though… like X men. Or Heroes. Is that satanic? If so then superman is satanic, power puff girls and… lets see what other characters have supernatural powers… oh yes: Teletubbies. Barney. And his other dinosaur friends he play with. aside, i expressed interest to go sea side rhibs and told them what i have to offer: i dont play psp and i love the sea. i am a good swimmer and in case i fall ito the sea during duty, i might be able to save myself and not die. hurrah i think they'll pick me. the interviewer liked the fact that i was from the girl infested SA. :D

twinkle twinkle little starscream

i'm kinda wondering why the picture looks like this whent the original album cover doesnt, i donno but it looks cool like that haha. but i digg their new album we are the night. it reminds me of bands royksopp and the knife put in a blender. i bet they are serious influences. they have given me the feeling of rockets and pyrotechniques vs pinning and whistling into the air. delirious and spiritual, hence organic but with a strong lick of tweaking and clanking of an oncoming helicopter. reminds me of transformers meet bjork. buy it. but warning not any like this. how to hear it? well, blast it in a room only at night. in the morning, the magic of their music does not spurt out. yep.

immune boosting carotenoids

Felicia and her on screen hubby. And some really weird props: commandos in their number ones but any who, she’s hot. Got this from felicia’s blog which is lameness don’t bother. I went to see her pictures and Fiona xie’s too. Hot girls mingling retardedly together is a must-see.
I’m so tiiiiiiiiirrrrred… I slept for 16 hours in my job today through yesterday. Wow you might say but the bullying lao chiaos slept for 20 hours. That’s 4 more than me well, sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug. And mensono is my buddy for the day. Again. Mensono is a little thing I found from AndersonJC. Lets see, he reads thrillers, has a boat license and endures my nonsense I throw at him 24-7! :) Went home with Robert today a new pal I picked up. We ate long johns. A snippet of our conversation:

Melvin:…I don’t really play soccer cos it’s boring or play psp cos I don’t like to use my brain much or play lan games alike. Instead I draw and listen to music. Why I like that ah?
Robert: you’re just weird.

To Robert: "the ones that you're calling wild are going to be leaders in a little while." -Johnny Cash. Artsy plans seems to be brooding along in my weird brain and it feels like it would surface into reality soon… next Picasso here I come. I now have a random urge to shout:
Felicia Chin!!!! Erm gaining back my composure, I wrote some poems again today/yesterday. Posted them on my brother blog destroyedmanuscripts to deter the spam of sympathy. Today I shall refrain from stepping out from the house cos if I do, I end up buying a bag or a watch or a thingamajig. Cold turkey yes. Profiteering Orchard road and the economy misses me already. But see, I can go shopping you know, cos I deserve to. Army allowance (not pay fyi) is for you to enjoy yourself while you serve the nation which I do wholeheartedly. But saving this small sum of money is just dumb cos like this, army isn’t fun anymore! And I don’t play hence buy psp or play expensive games like lan, wow or other dumb virtualmania. I buy other stuff. Opportunity cost. Robert did offer me $10 dollars voucher for any English book in popular and I reluctantly accepted the offer (really.) so I cant wait to get a book asap! Hurrah Franz Kafka here i come.

another day of outings

went out the whole day again. just came back. been sleeping very little cos of my job. met mitchy, weiyan and karina. giggly biggly bunch. mitch and me realised we have been so cut off from the real world, talking becomes so odd even to people we are so close to before. this proves my point. again. we met at the ulu pandan sunshine plaza which i walked a hundred miles to reach. they ate at victor's cafe while i stoned cos my maid cooked really good fish slice bee hoon for me for lunch. i treated them some banana muffins which tasted nice but were overpriced but i din tell them la ha. karina was busy chomping down 1000 custard paos. we talked about harry potter's fate, some fortune teller and orang utans till we left. veronica pang seh us today number one. then when they left, i went by myself to buy 2 albums, the chemical brothers we are the stars and rufus wainright's release the stars. AMAZING STUFF. swear. saw banana republic. to me it was another zara. ted baker is open in taka. almost got a bag, almost got a watch. and a pair of shoes and book but i endured well. then met tim at taka. went shopping abit and went to meet jon. we ate at burger king and we spouted out army rants. saw some healthy lesbians. veronica was also supposed to pop by for this gathering but she pangsehed AGAIN number 2. oh we love to plan class gatherings but they always end miserably as many always cannot make it. we planned birthdays la, hotel stays la, home visits la, time capsule la, class mural la... but all are still pending ideas that are dissapearing into the abyss... then we went to a chill out bar at 6 avenue and drank some drainwater, ate sotong balls and talk talk talk talk talk talk... and then i took 154 all the way home. then i met nurudin at the busstop waiting for his bus. haha. he was carying a hmv plastic bag too. haha. he bought some stuff i dont listen to. anyway, i then went home.

i love rihana.
and her umbrella ella ella ella ey ey ey...

Order

Went on a date today. With myself. Its been a looong time since I could touch the outside world and am I glad I had the opportunity today for most of the time I am just too tired to budge. Went out and I saw Amanda ong in the morning. Our chat was roughly as follows:

Amanda: Omg melvin! Is that you yes it is haven seen you for so long yea, t's tru… t's true… (pointing to my awesome headphones.)omg those are really ugly things!
Melvin: no it's not ugly. It's nice and cheap. Got it for 30 bucks la yup.
Amanda: Hh, whatever-
Melvin: (interrupting) that's the most hideous necklace I've seen yucks! (pointing at her heart-shaped thingamabob.
Amanda: What no! You're just jealous!!!
Melvin: Ya sure…

Then I went to city hall and saw how raffles city shopping centre and Suntec city has really changed. So many more new stores. But all lame haw haw too bad. Went to topman bought a stupid t-shirt to book-in tomorrow but managed to get a complimentary $10 voucher from my privilage card and an additional 20% off any product in topman and ben sherman. Er hurray. Then, I went to watch Harry potter and the Order of the Phoenix by myself yes because I didn’t want to watch it with some people from army and some of them rather watch it with his girl even though I specifically told him to book a ticket for me first. Irresponsible people aside, watching alone was great. Only $8. And watching movies are not social activities. It was okay… I managed to force out some giggles at some parts. Characters are all so old now and Harry is as hideous as ever yup. I watched it to refresh my memory so as to enable me to read the Deathly Hallows when it comes out and that's it. Hmm… what else… oh and chemical brother's new cd cover is really cool. And I am dying to read D. H Lawrence's book: Women in Love. Yup now I feel like sleeping because tomorrow I have work tomorrow again like yesterday. Its quite enjoyable don’t worry watched 2 R21 movies with my buddies. happiness. Nothing is happening to me, I'm not suicidal, not dying, not breaking apart. Life's good. Just love to write nice little poem like thingies here so ya. Goodbye. Sleep well you.

roadkill

9pm, car.
I did not wear my seat belt that day as the car sped
I secretly wished to BANG!
I had no hope in anything
Nothing to look forward to
Nothing at all to believe healthily in.
Everyday is like another day the angel writes and writes against me in the book of life.
Everyday I just make people feel angry as I try to keep myself sane
Why have I not given the hurt I showered upon the people I love most, back onto myself?
Or have I already, considering my wretched soul.

Some days I wake up a devil or
I wake up knowing I was a devil or
That I was a devil 3 seconds ago.
Death tempted me
I just hate the thought that it might just hurt the people I love.
But I think the people love to hate me till I hurt.

haha

3pm, corner of a space. bored and sad.
Weirdest thing I’ve written.
Ha.
Ha ha.
Ife is such a joke.
Living in a such, such indescribable mess
What sense is going on really?
Well anyway he world is ending and
God is -.
I am nothing really out of the rest of the world
As sophisticated as things can eventually get,
In the end, you are you and dog is a dog.
And I end up hating me
But sometimes I did it. Not me, get it?
Because I feel people more deeply when I am not with them.
I blame me.
Everything good are carousels in disguise.
So I end up licking the sordid lollipops of depression.
Little girls go go-carting suicidally.
Chances fail and trains derail.
Innocence is piss.
Destiny is death with a vision
Fate is a vision of death.
Predestination is a mere distraction.
Life is such a big enorminous joke
Suddenly nothing matters any longer!
People look for nirvana under the strobe lights.
I float undrugged out of my
Being being a being.
Just like how
Vulgarities LEAK
Parents DIE
Hearts BREAK,

Death unsatisfies
Life disappoints
Afterlife is -
All I can do -
And it is so natural is -
To laugh bravely and defiantly: ha.
Ha ha.
Ha.

Dear forestgump,

Life is like a box of chocolates yes.

Because everything sweet in it;
is dark.

Love Frogboy.

Sizzle pop

Car and Bunker 8pm before book-in and after.
I sit on the seat with my head throbbing throbbing throbbing…
Mind racing and the anger burns burns burns…
To add, synergizing with another’s made my brooding moral.
I get spasms of fury as things replay in my mind like a spoilt recorder
As I heat up in a juxtaposing air-conditioned condition.
My heart sank as my mind elevated to a place beyond the cosmos.

I thought of things so clearly at the moment;
So much perspective…
So perfectly the sense…
So much perception…
So much emotion…
But all I hold back down here on earth is clenched fists.
I rave and rave in my soul
Playing with the drips of pain
And splattering it all over others.
I managed to pull away the syringe in my skin,
And managed to sizzle down
For the moment.

Dream 2

Lecture room 01, 11.32am.
I don’t know.
I had a dream yes.
Of things yet unseen or never to be
Unveiled to me are faces
Blurry
But they tell me something
Nothing of those like Daniel
But frantic they seemed to be.
Something real
Important and life changing

But I wake.
I am in a room now, listening to a lecture
I act as I if I had not been to somewhere when actually I did.

But little did I know-.

sea duty

In the sea side bunker west pier, 3am

Lets see. erm

Lying next to sleepyheads
In a makeshift bunk
Waiting to do my hours
But not sleepy
I lay awake in silence
Except for the creaks of the bed springs my mates make as they twist and turn themselves in slumber.

Such a simple aim we have day to day
We bond and care and share
Nostalgia was felt even though it was the first day.
Then when it was time,
We as a chappy bunch climbed up the tower
Of nothing much
And do a job that’s to sit and
Watch the magical sunsets and the little tugboats go by
It was a magical moment:
Orange light sprayed across the ceiling reminded me of CHIJMES
Only smaller, cosier.
3 of us sat there with songs and sighs
The Goo Goo Dolls playing against my will.
The sea breeze jitter the glass windows
The glowing beacons look as if the night sky has fallen.
Oh and also
Our food was also the fishes’.
Just a little island of us isolated from the rest of the hectic, noisy world.
We rejoice by the presence of one another
The ecstasy when the friendly delivery food came
The cold nights and warm mornings
It felt like camping or a forgotten countryside.

Sometimes,
One of us would be scribbling on his journal
The other, doing some sleepy head rotation
I would be barely reading a book.
Life is really good here.

Bose

Been doing a bit of explortion and i found an interesting artist in Page One bookstore in Vivocity. he is james gallagher. his art is amazing. just collage and you seethings already. some of which are rather raunchy but its all art. http://www.gallagherstudio.net/
You got to love him and his art.

I realized many many many MANY people search their own names or other peoples names to find out what that person is active on the net about, who's been blogging about them, who's been using their names etc. well iadmit i have never done so but when i realized the artist who replied me did so and thus found my blog with bad views about his work, it made me curious and so i typed Melvin Tan in the google search. guess what i found:
I have an amazing design webbie! I do animations, life drawings and character design. how similar. he is chinese, singaporean, a waterpolo player. he said in NS, his arty dream managed to be kept alive! wow inspiration.
http://www.melvin-tan.net/

Just when i was about to realize there are no more interesting lost twins out there, i find a Melvin Tan singer who came out with 5 albums under his belt. wow. his new album is coming out in 2007 aka this year! hurray cant wait to support me. i mean him. go check it out.
http://www.melvin-tan.com/

Also there is a Worker's party guy who fought at the election. he is apparently a" Singaporean who believes the existence of two viable political parties capable of national governance is a better alternative to the present situation of one dominant party. Observing that Singapore's political environment under PAP rule is not conducive for a strong opposition to emerge and progress, joined Workers' Party to play a part in helping it become a more institutionalised party. The only way walkovers can be averted is for more people who can contribute to the cause come forward in ways they can.
http://melvintansg.blogspot.com/









and some other guy who has a good stuff cannot bluff tag line.
http://tan-melvin.blogspot.com/

Whoever he is, he is the most lame of all. and i cannot relate to him at all, unlike the other Melvin tans, who are just like me: artistic, sporty, talented (includes singing i guess ask sophia) and also intelligence like that of a politician too. :)

My army mates love sending me techno. haha. i don't know why but they just keep sending them in. i do kind of like their intent but they have never gotten the concept of the kind of music i actually enjoy listening. yes sometimes they do hit the spot. but it could be in the form of R&B instead for these days category lines are a blur. techno is no longer cascada or vengaboys. i like the British sort. the more unique the sound the better. yet to appreciate heavy trance but i always dig the sexy ones with a female lead in it. it always hit the spot.

I got to give a tribute to the best thing my dad bought 4 years ago: the Bose surround system.whatever the price tag is, i love playing my music in it. it completes my nights where i actually can chill about well in the house. with no one but good music, a glass of mango juice, my book, fan and zennnnn.

destroyed manuscripts

Image from a film inspired by one of his stories, Description of a Struggle.

A first sign of nascent knowledge is the desire for death. This life seems unendurable, any other unattainable. One is no longer ashamed of wishing to die; one prays to be conducted from the old cell that one has yet to hate. There is in this a vestige of faith that during the change the master may chance to walk along the corridor, contemplate the prisoner, and say: “You must not lock up this one again. He is yet to come to me.”

Franz Kafka, (1883-1924)

This quote is by Kafka see: (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Franz_Kafka) to know more, one of my new favorite people. A knowledge of how life cannot bring the answers we ever necessarily require other than the end of life as life itself is a blockage, leaving death, the only stopper for a living conscience that causes all possible tribulations to entirely halt. Assuming the belief in a soul or spirit, this leaves the mind to think and reflect in its best state: without a body. His knowledge of complex betterment somewhere else that one should possess also left me a lingering thought to think around about.

from now on, my poems and farty writings are going straight to my other blog: www.destroyedmanuscripts.blogspot.com i just started to not clog this place up. why also because i believe that i should separate my life from death. yup. its in the links.

anyway, yesterday's been nice. went out with my army mates again. we watched a movie again yes. i had a choice, die hard 4, my wife is a gangster 2 or transformers again. i chose to watch transformers again. haha. and i was right, i understood the fight sequences and appreciated every nuance that perfected the screenplay in the 2nd watch. i no longer went: "opps i missed that" or "huh?". hurray.

my army mates are good para para dancers. they didn't tell. i laughed and mocked at them at first but when the songs get so fast and tough, i no longer had the scornful face any longer and i merely watched with respect at his hands and legged coordination.

i went to Kino and Borders to search for Franz Kafka again and i found him in about 10 different publications. i bought a no frill one with no cover designs on it for $17 bucks. it jammed packed his shorter works into it. some of which are The metamorphosis and the judgment.

i bought ear phones from audio-technica for $33.70 (after gst hike). cheap for such kinds and i really love it. selling like hotcakes in HMV, so i kinda did an impulse purchase.

my journey

I'll live with my passage
as the melancholy plays its slow
faded drums, guitar
raw sax and the Soul of music
aside the suicidal sultry crooner.

Maybe smoke although it is against all morality and spirituality
to maintain a neurotic numbness of the mind
to appreciate the silent moments frame by frame.
Of course the fog against the lights from the small chandelier must overpower.
I also need to maintain a stern constancy of societal insolence;
of nature, everything humankind indulges in.
And adopt compulsive depression.
I thus attain calm as pitifully sweet as licorice.

Alone no longer becomes something lonely.
I read and meditate on aphorisms on life beside a lamp,
Of love death and god.
With a greater open heart than I have for the bible
Beer at hand to intoxicate purify edify.

My tableau depicts a modern O'neil.
Fate as clear as the Turners.
I possibly suffer their fatal illness too.
Yes. That’d be good.
And I’d love to get drunk on write.
I die then, as a true artist to myself who should never be seen
~nor heard.

No longer lusting to be emancipated or fixed, I drift.

Baroom, Baroom, Tooki, Tooki

Listening to:
At the River by Astrud Gilberto
Besame Mucho by Diana Krall

Just when i thought my birthday ended, my class ambushed me with a chocolate slice from The Big O at Wheelock Place. i didn't even know they were in town too as i was with Celest and the 'richsome' ferrari boy. Celest tagged along and had a glimpse of craziness that my class was packed with. we played the Baroom, Baroom, Tooki, Tooki game that gave the woman sitting behind us a bulldog frown. Then veron, amanda and cheryl dragged us to take neoprints like a newbie bunch of giggly girls. then i booked in for saf day. :(
the day was spent stoning at one position. Nothing exciting happened. Just saw many starfishes and crabs on the seafood platter. i caught a glimpse of our president a second time, this time surrounded by men; unlike the previous time which i saw him on a balloon filled truck during chingay. guoquan came back for the day.

And I was taking a break from James Joyce’s The Dubliners and started reading Oscar Wilde again. I donned upon the story of The Devoted Friend. And I do feel that many of us MUST read and learn from this short story as it is very important. This possibly the most depressing story so far is painfully true yet I witness it first hand in today’s society. The story is possibly on the net and thus you can easily read up on it.

Oh and Melvin, sometimes I just believe that you are just LAZY. Yes Melvin. You do not want to do quiet time is NOT because you do not believe in what you read and all those other excuses but instead you lack the self discipline to even bother. Ha. Revolutionary.

The artist of the esplanade art piece in which I had a direct unabashed opinion on replied my post and I didn’t know about it until Rachel brought it up 2 nights ago. We did agree it was quite -. The artist’s reply was a rather unemotive reply. But the artist did insist I read the write up (again) to get a better picture of the piece. (no sarcasm intended). So all I edited in the post was this in warning to readers of that post who might think it is too harsh a comment:

Would cause unnecessary hostile reaction but blogs are blogs. views are views. judgment is a mere sign of life and life sucks.

i apologize to the artists for my harsh comments. i don’t think they'll like me. but artists are artists. Not many were in good terms with each other throughout the centuries. And whether the review gives it a thumb’s up or thumb’s down, just suck thumb la…

I love my gut.

prayer

Dear Lord Jesus,
You know it
Amen