i need the love of Jesus he promised.

i need the love of Jesus he promised.
but my heart no longer fights the loosing battle as it's grip grinds my sanity.
exploitation is now a win-win situation.
that appeals yet repels the inner sub conscience.
i know the key is mental occupation.
freedom reigns for all.
i know there is a will there is a way.
the wrong is now uncertain and the right is now questionable.
i know that i am never alone literally and spiritually.
attraction is undeniable.
it's a condition that's dealt with by all in a way or another.
repentance is impossible.
it's a mental issue.
pain seems eternal.
life is ruined if you are upset so
i'll sing to you Lord a hymn of love.
for your faithfulness to me.
and I'm carried in everlasting arms.
You'll never let me go through it all.
innocence has been torn apart and had long departed.
control is now conditional.
guilt is now subdued by submission and repetition.
fear is now subdued by disbelief.
sadness reigns over remorse.
ignorance is a friend over the anxiety of death and flame.
God planned it all.
i was created like this for a purpose.
i am not an accident.
You are forever in my life.
You see me through the seasons.
cover me with your hands.
and lead me in your righteousness.
and I look to you and
and I wait on you
to bring me to light.

i see that hand

skate board P rocks. hear this and read me.



Melvin, why are you losing interest in living your life to the fullest of your potential?
well Jaja, never give your one hundred percent to the world- not worth it.e

pastor's on stage. the lights are dim only in our minds as we think of whether to go or not. we hear 'i see that hand'.yes. 'i see that hand!' i try to peep -hallelujah!- and i ask myself, why is it so hard for me. ME, to be the one raising a hand... and going to the altar to be prayed upon as the air is so much lighter in the front and spiritual baptism comes as easily; like a brush of cool air...

1. hearing n.e.r.d in a blue lit cold room decked in decadence and dimness, drinking absolut, hanging out with people who care and who enjoy celebrating nothing for nothing.
2. sleeping around like Elfie and having the greatest time of my life. Inspiring show.
   
3. finding no more hot older women like Audrey Hepburn, Demi Moore or Cameron Diaz for me.
4. being a selective vegetarian in an oil-paranoid state.
5. standing in the rain without an umbrella and wondering how weird rain actually functions.
6. dashing into the toilet to retrieve the wallet i left on the urinal.
7. to raise my hand at God and imagine everyone doing so and looking up to a figure sitting on a throne looking down upon us appreciating the praise and worship we shower upon Him, then waking up from it wondering how ridiculously difficult to conceptualize this as a long term/ an eternal state.
8. staring into thin air, stoning. focusing yet relaxing on the subconscious between pseudo-reality and square one.
9. crying as i look down upon my dead family wondering why must life be like this and breaking into a song, "in moments like this, i'll sing out a song, i'll sing out a love song, to Jesus..."
10. whispering into the ear and say, 'i am not worth you'
11. Dying dying dying
12. living again for a moment, then dying like never before again. inside.
13. dead.
14. dead.
15. wondering to God what have i done so wrong to die such a slow and painful death.
    

calcium helps build strong bones

shopping has been exhausting. i think i have bought enough already looking at the spread i have in my cupboard. now, i need a new cupboard.

God, you made Jessie what she is.
Everything she possessed, it was purposed.
Never an accident as she read the book of 40 days.
But Jessie killed her mother when she was dying of mental illness
Jessie also killed her little brother for he refused to stop taking cocaine.
Jessie murdered her two friends as they had sex with her boyfriend together.
Jessie loved God
But loving Him would also bring her eternal burning.
She would find herself battling the war on spirituality of complex profoundness.
Of You, Her and her.
She felt like dying everyday
Thats the physical for she has already died inside.
And inside the death of her soul has rotted till it shows on her outer,
People soon think of her as some weirdo
But she has already died so it no longer mattered.

my new truisms

1. self confidence sadly brings selfishness,arrogance, hence over confidence.
2. laziness is the greatest crime. because reformation begins with the mind.
3. the sensitive will be insensitive to the insensitive. big hint.

words of expression can only come this easily when you have taken literature at a levels and an open mind. anyone else who tries to mimick so, would fail miserably. this is a matter of fact opinion.

blahhhh

nothing much to say but imagine having a busy week... yes. no need to say much.

great day today. singing crazyly in fren's house.
had presents from friends.
shopped today with vic cos she was bored. quite in promptu cos i was already in orchard.

God made me who i am. I am what I am because God wanted me to be who i am now! :-)

drink drank drunk

i hell embarassed myself when i ws drunk. but it was fun. but i felt that i could say/do things i do not dare to. i was more loose in the mouth and expressed things i sometimes meant as well as say things funnier than when i wasnt drunk. i feel so happy when i was drunk. couldnt remember everything but i knew i was so happy. i was laughing so easily. and i dared to do things i never dared to. drunkardness was something new but it felt as if this feeling was such a pleasant feeling and something not new at all. i dont think drinking is cool nor is it a fantastic state, but it brings me to nother level of existance, never experienced by ppl who dont dare to risk their composed state for something off the norm.

today is christmas and the meaning of christmas brings me back down to earth, telling me what really is important in our existance...

intenrested intensely in shoppping. fuck quarrels.

wow. i dont know what to say. i'm supposed to be so happy. but i'm back to upsetness...
its my fault. its my mums fault. its my brother's fault. its my grandma's fault. one thing i've learnt in a level lit is that in a familial conflict is never the fault of one no matter how much a person can blame oneself for everything or vice versa.
we did quarrel, ignoring if anyone near our crib would hear and i was quite tired of getting too emotionally attached to any shit like this so i guess fuck it.
anyway to happier moments of the day, i left the house to shop all by myself. ruiwen was alr in town and considered meetin him but when i reached there he just left. well it isnt his fault so he shouldn't feel bad. helped tim to check out his special ben sherman cap but i guess its all out of stk. i spent like crazy. my advice never go out when you're angry cos you'll spend like crazy! and also go out with a fren who'd stop you from spending so much.
i shouldnt put prices here cos i dont really want to rmb them. but its all in all ALOT.

oh my ignorance. ignorance. ignorance. ignorance. makes my heart grow better.

an agnes b long sleeve teeshirt in which i sent for altering to become a short sleeve tee. this is a classic. really i love it tonnes.
a harley davidson tee with an eagle on it (coolness to the maxx.)
two pants from Wh. cool store for basics in taka. checkitoutt...
a studded belt from topman.
yup. thats all. now my mind is filled with and i'm happy for now. shopping helps me live my life and forget the past.

Godness gracious He.

hmm. i rested for 3 days from blogging. felt better. now i'm back to normal! no more emo talk! for now.





















much had passed, walking in town/marina/etc mindlessly with mit/tim/nat/aman/hen on diff occasions, watching movies of jugging boobs to buying juggling boobs with nat and hen, accompanied nat to various hospitals, did housework as my maid left 4 good, today bbq/freesbie lameness/chat loserishly with a bunch of armyboys. how fulfilling a life. how could i have hated life when there is something to actually do with it. sad, crazy and even emo parts of ppl often surface with a stangnant life. so my advice, get your ass off for every small reason from your seat and not come home till late.

for people who care(you know who you are)
these guys are so cool. they're from ns serving the country. they rock. these are reasons why i love them:
david: -_- nice guy la. one joke he managed to make me laugh was when it was playing freesbie time, lester couldnt throw anything near a 10 metre radius around anyone. there was this awkward silence, when he blurted randomly,"well, the idea is there." ha. other than that, he was a blend person whom everyone teases vigorously.
joseph lam: is friendly and attempted to put in effort to know us all. but i cant stand it when he wears his hwa chong jc tee down as if he's still schooling. poseur! but he's clerkily nerdy enough to wear so, so noone bothered.
chicken: was unintentionally funny as usual. no, not because he was behaving like a ooser, but really, he spilled a drink beautifully on his pants and it perfectly look like a splash of urine which drew a backdrop of laughter by everyonelse. he spent time in tall bushes getting the freesbie that flew into it countless times against a backdrop of laughter by everyonelse too.
christopher:body-obsessed chickenly short, rather dim guy who's uber excited he bought some thingamajig of an excercise machine but got upset when the company couldnt send it to him on the day promised as it was christmas day... didnt know why butter is used in bbq/how aluminium foils function etc. he's really funny really that ditsy himbo.
bbq was pathetic. hotdogs looked like they had some STD, chickens were literally bloody good , joseph lum was excited about his patties. stingray was a failure as they forgot to wash the fish and they thus, smelt bad. we ate potato chips in the end. i struggled to look like i was enjoying myself but i did see effort and acted appropriately enough for them to label this rendevous as a 'success'.
so colourful people can be and i love their insecurities/lameness/lostness/retardedness and all as life would be so dull w/o them.

clothes.
hmm, i was agnes b crazy 3 days ago, after i was d&g crazy. now, i am d&g crazy all over again. so i will get a watch from d&g, a shirt from topman and cargo shorts from somewhere cos i realised i need it. thats all. ;) agnes b shall wait. i'll probably get a bag from you if i like what i see...

Godness gracious He.
yes i am on a spiritual revival these days, watched an unbiased documentary on tv and i shall write things i noted IN CASE i get into a spiritual down oneday. like to recollect or something...

1. the bible's new testi's matt/mark/luke/john was very accurate cos written by apostles themselves within jesus's death's lifetime aka less than 100 yrs unlike ngostic gospels that caused alot of noise.
2. christianity rode through persecution over persecution and political movements of romans yet managed to survive.
3. historians never believed in God's power that could have been the reason that made Jesus so 'lucky' as they are unprofessional if they did so, but they had a hard time wondering. they dont have a satisfying explaination of the perserverance/resiliance of this man/God they call Messiah.
4. oh just to add, the book that records all your bad things and tells you whether you get a big house or not DOES NOT EXIST. so dont fear if you killed someone or something... unless you have not repented and know what you did was wrong.

opps...

guys i'm sorry for being too emotional in my writing. i think i'll tone done abit for my own sake. thanks for noting. haha. i get too carried off at times and treat this as a dumping grd. :P

i am the prodigal son's brother.

looks like this blog is really what i face everyday and it is now the highlight of my daily life. No silly, its not 4 all you ppl whom i let to read my posts (although i do like that attention/support) but this fking blog is for me 80% of the time to vent or else i will break and my heart could burst of inner pain one day and the lump in my troat would be too unbearable and i would fall down, bursting and crying beyond control.

if you find this post too private then dont read it its 4 me only then.

i thought i could be happy. but i guess i cant. i am heartbroken.

i could not stand this unfair treatment anymore. i talked my mother and she turned a deaf ear on me. i never knew why i am treated this way. my brothers are obese. they play the computer during exams and after from early mornings of the day to night, refuses to budge, are defiant and uncontrollable with their attitudes. yes, an average all boys home some might put it off as but i am of course different. i studied relatively hard, i made sure i never screw my life, i care about my parents/their parnets and they KNOW it, i showered them with love i dare to show, i put in effort in things and never made them upset. (my brothers did though). but my mother always ALWAYS favoured them. my little brother wanted an electric guitar, she gave it to him with NO questions asked saying its good at least he has an interest. THEN WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT MY INTEREST? I WORKED FUCKING HARD AND I AT LEAST DESERVE SOMETHING/MORE LOVE/ATTENTION? of course i didnt tell her that way. but that was the level of my pain inside. i always asked for money/stuff as i like to buy things, but they never gave saying shopping shopping always go shopping... spend spend spend always spending... but i didnt spend anything these days as they never gave me any $$$ to begin with! and i always marvel at how much she'll come after my neck for every single cent i want from her when she could give the other 2 sons money like nobody's buisness. and how she would protect her two other sons but mot as much for me. And i get jealous of course BUT NOT at the money she doesnt give me. i can live w/o that. its love. my mother showers attention on my two brothers who plan to waste their lives away as elaborated. my mother speaks to them lovingly, asks questions in concern and love and prays hard they will be better... and she convienently forgets her middle consistant son who has done nothing wrong to deserve the ignorance of hers. i only get double-standards, deaf-ear, anger, scoldings from her. WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG? MUST I BE A FUCKING WASTE FOR YOU TO NOTICE ME AND BE CONCERNED ABOUT ME? DONT YOU EVER RECOGNISE MY FUCKING EFFORTS TO BE A BETTER PERSON/IMPROVE MYSELF/MAKE A FUTURE FOR MYSELF?? my father isnt like that but he's not totally caring cos he's like me, afraid to show LOVE... but i am so angry now at this unfair treatment of tis family. how can this happen!?!?! i fucking feel for the prodigals son's brother and i feel fucking upset at how the bible even supports such trashy favortism. this does no better to my spiritual walk anyhow. i now know at times why i am so attention seeking. blame my mother. i cried telling this to my father AND I DONT EVEN REMEMBER WHEN I LAST BURST INTO TEARS. and this was because of love i deserve. love i have been denied of for reasons i think unjustifiable for. life is so unfair and poeople ask me Melvin! cheer up! dont be depressed! but i ask you how ever can i be so happy when life never fails to get me down and make me feel so shit? and if ever i try to settle it with my mum, i end up raising my voice and dishonouring God's commandment of respecting thy parents. i am a sinner then. i will always be a sinner then, in persuit of what i think i deserve. maybe, i should just find joy in dreams as life in dreams are much more pleasant than reality. or maybe i should become a waste and backslide to get attention from my mum.
i'm tired i need to sleep or the lump in my troat would never be forgotten away anyway i felt like a huge stone was lifted out from my body...

*but i know they still love me alot. its just at times i question the degree of it. i am so spoilt knowing there are many ppl in this world not as fortunate as me.....................

Emo or elmo

Dolce and Gabbana. The brand of watch i am getting(die die) for CHRISTMAS.
HOT girl trying to hump the crouching man. full view the pic to see her face... HOT.

I reflect upon my depressed state last week.

Do i see the cup half full or half empty?
Am i Pessimistic or optimistic?
Am i emo or elmo?
so i question and try to question myself back in return.

How could you all be so happy?
Time's runnning out, where life means you just havent died yet.
Love, always ends in heartbreaks and love everlasting is the worlds greatest myth.
God is dead or maybe, not even there from the beginning but a concept created by man for refuge.
Familiy is a long days journey into the night where everything could be and should be; but isnt.
Social life stands on the threshold as thin as ice.

How could I be so sad?
Life always have the moments and thats all that matters.
Love can still persue if you want it to.
God is there all the while, carrying you as you grumble ignorantly about why there's only one set of footprints.
Family has never been the problem. It's you and your expectations in which CS Lewis apparently said that is self-created.
Friends are always there for you. Those who arent and dislikes my character-fine. as people that care wont matter and people that matter wont care.

i had a harder time in 'How could you be so sad', thinking of how i could rebutt myself but i guess this is good enough to temporarily keep me hoping for a better better.

in reply to your post

i promise this does not require you to read between the lines.

i hate it when we fight and i do not do not care. i really do. maybe, if you dont believe how much i am affected by everytime we fall into conflict, you may ask Amanda as I told her days after in hopes that it helps. my classmates out there know how distressed i was on prom day. days after, mitchel was there to help me out. i have feelings too. i am NOT insensitive AT all. after so many posts i'm glad you have noted. things i do often have reasons and things that happen, i feel. i feel hurt/upset/angry/frustrated by same things you felt hurt/pissed about when we conflict. we are humans pls. you are a very sensitive girl in touch with your emotions and that is very very good and I have always loved to be around you and I admire how you shower such care and concern upon liming/angie/Amanda/me and sometimes I cannot do certain things you can actually do to friends in which I envy, like bringing them to church. That really show how much you LOVE your friends and I am jealous of your ability to do so.

yes i do know how 10000 people think we are tgt (and how we laugh at their naivety.) i know how rare it is to have a boy and a girl to be good friends. gender differences is a tough issue as the lines of caring too much/too little is a blurred line. its difficult to stay at a certain equilibrium of staying a distance yet not getting too close so how real should a boy best friend be and stay as that without moving to anywhere close to a boyfriend? Who sets the rules, I don’t, you don’t. no one really knows what to do with such relationships and I don’t think I can be blamed for behaving awkwardly/wrongly/inappropriately at times. On lighter matters, we have the differences you mentioned and possibly much more (but we are not very different). i do not like heart to heart talks as i cannot do so. bitching depends on my mood and when i talk, i say what people want me to say many times as i endure and swallow things that hurt. maybe its because girls can bend and cry. boys keep it all in and break. a difference like that cannot be helped i guess. but luckily, i like clothes too as i like to look presentable.

i am really happy you want to help me. i really am how could anyone in the right mind would not like a friend cheering you up when you’re down. i just wonder then how should i behave after someone cheers me up: do i wear a smile and behave as if i wasnt upset? i cant do that all the time because its not easy. i am not nonchalant when i remain silent or not give you an assuring change of emotions. feelings remain for a long time(you know that).

People you don't approve as good friends for me i do consider. but sometimes, friends are true friends if friends can endure one another's weaknesses and celebrate one another's better side. no one's a perfect person and everyone has their better side. i like my friends better sides and i always try to take their bad sides not to heart and give them endless amounts of chances wwjd. that makes life so much better. i hope this can also happen to us. Friends are true friends if friends can endure one another's weaknesses and celebrate one another's better side. no one's a perfect person and everyone has their better side.

things to talk about depends on whether we are going out or not. We only meet for church these days. This can take a toll on bestfriendship if we don’t even go out at all. How would anyone know what to talk about if we don’t even have a chance to talk. And it makes concluding about one's feelings about one another all warped. And lets be frank, we are super alike(not different). We are so witty people just hate our ability to slam them to silence. We can joke so sharply and so quickly, people can just die. What do you mean we can’t click?!?!??! We are the bonnie and Clyde of entertainment and if we have opportunities (recall the 1^st 3 months when we could all laugh till we were squatting on the roadside walking towards JP.) we can be at our best, ignoring the rest of the world…

yes bestie, our relationship is difficult to sustain but we will endure the ups and downs and keep on swimming swimming swimming… I hope you don’t get upset abt anything I wrote. I can be quite blunt.

drift

today was my brothers birthday party.
my parents arranged it and he celebrated it with relatives and church-members of my parents.
my brother... he's 21.

yes. you ask doesn't he have his friends from army/class well, i guess they dissapeared. he was embarrassed half the time. he's obese and when he's embarrassed, he looked weird as a whole cos he didn't know where to put his arms so they were swinging around randomly and awkwardly. i am not dissing my brother. i'm really feeling this and i need to vent. observe i don't use any degrading terms... (in case you think i have no love for my beloved bro.)

anyway the similar aged felt displaced and we went to my crib to watch tokyo drift and i am really loving the Japaneses culture more and more, the rustic feel of it no gimmicks no lies bt its sub-culture and its freedom of expression...

anyway before this party my mum was screaming at me and ordering me around to do her favours of setting up the party room and stuff. of course i love her and did the things after walking away. i was angry as usual at her but after the party she came to apologize at me. i am happy cos i know she's human. that is enough for me as her son to respect and love her for being her. and i would put in effort to provide as much love i dare to show as i can. come on, i'm a rebellious son here. a son who envies fat violet's perfect family, get jealous of the relationships some teens can have with their parents... yet its so hard for me, i dont know.

my blog has alot of religious stuff not because i have got nothing else to talk about.
life is fking short. its the feeling of how yrs just pass so fast that you fear you might soon find yourself on the deathbed tomorro you know what i mean.
NOTHING is more important than what is gonna happen when you die what is life all abt as we are all gonna die one day. what should be necessary: happiness/love/etc what is a fulfilled life?
many say God. and God determines my afterlife so it must be important. if i push this critical issue too late, it would be too late so i guess endure my pursuits of an answer as i know one day i will get the answer.


now now, to cheer me up from my inner battle with myself. i present to youshirts, respectively by Kris Van Assche and Prada.
the first shirt has NO TIE! its a coloured strip of black! SUPER COOL. i saw this on the magazine of man-mode a Singapore mag. decided to share it with all. i need this.
the second one is a plain striped shirt from prada. its perfect for the model. my point is this: everyone needs a shirt that works best with his look/skin colour and it also plays a part what you wear it with and how you wear it. and you can look damn good in one as shown.

high school musical

for the mr antihero:
yes i find the girls hot too. i was bored pal.
yes i watched it today... don't laugh.
well, i found the show was... how do you put it... macarena cool.

1. introducing the 1st contender,miss Vanessa Anne Hudgens. even the name is sexy Hudggggeeenssss. she looks like maria from west side story (ps my fav musical.)
2. 2nd is the hot bitch sharpay evans. the hilary dufflish girl is normal. not really the gwen stefani couture but matches a nicole ritchie dumb blonde.
3. the last pic was the scene my hair stood too straight. a basketball team attempting to sing and dance is just pure wrongness. i was imagining ray/joel/kah heng/ etc dancing with a polo ball and their team swimtrunks. (i shiver as if i was peeing.)

exposure

i think my blog is ready to let more ppl take a peek about what i really feel inside.
through my reflections again,
blogs after all are best if read by people who cared or couldn't care less so as to allow some people to realize i am really someone different from what you see on the surface as everyone do not show certain things of their lives so directly. the tip of the iceberg some people say...
in hopes of better understanding of who melvin is
no lies here.
yes by now you would have realised

i am not who i am. -othello

hi. i'm me. i am reflective, i speak about love/relationships/friendships/GOD in particular/my interests and my hates, anything that runs through my mind that makes me complex a person as i am.

why

why why why












why cant i be normal?
why cant i see You when so many can?
why do i have to struggle to accept when others find ease in trusting in You?
why am i digging my heart for a chance when people are showered in it: the rich and poor, the intelligent and the less so, here and there?
why do i have to scream and kill myself every night before i go to sleep?
why do i have to run on a treadmill when others walk on the yellow brick road?
why must it be so difficult? what have i done so wrong to be doubting like this and go to hell?
why do i feel guilty so innocently?
what have i done so wrong to deserve my condition?
why does it always rain on me so badly, the raindrops pierce through my skin and i bleed to death?
why when i plead, You hail rocks at me and demand i work harder?
why should such issues be so unfair?
why am i fated and predestined this way?
why do You want me to suffer is it the path i must lead?
why must i die everyday, tortured to death with my brain foaming bubbles of boil and froth spewing out of my ears with lies lies lies lies...
why must my brain function as if it's malfunctioned?
why must i behave like this, is it me or is it Me or is it You?
why are You really there listening in the first place-
why must something so fundemental and necessary be so complex it needs people to research and fight and conflict amongst themselves till now without a conclusion or answer?
is this unanswerable sense of Things something us humans should be dealing with with so little we can comprehend?
are you testing us and is this part of the plan for us to torture each other of the threat of going to hell and the Truth lingering nowhere in sight for us to find because it is supposedly so easy to find?
why must my life be so different?
why must i be unique?
why do you want to make me so complex and complicated, so much so i cannot even comprehend or control myself from myself, trapped?
why do i even ask why?
why?

the dream

i had a dream last night.













I dreamt that soo wei, a fervant follower of God was preaching and i wasnt listening. then she asked me question and i couldnt answer her properly as i wasnt paying attention but i managed to string something together. however when i strung something together, i began to speak what i felt about life as usual and spoke of the post FUCK LIFE AND ALL OF YOU i wrote yesterday! the congregation around me stirred in unease and i was curious at their reaction at my pouring out of thoughts. pastor kierren then came up to me and prayed for me. amidst his prayer he seem to attempt to provide an answer/rebuttal to my claim . But just when i was about to recieve the answer from the holy man, the dream
ended.

i woke up with the scenerio etched in my mind perfectly clear. i was afraid yet curious. dreams as it is in archetypes, carry meanings. some say they speak of a conscience, some say they are a link with the supernatural. some say they are visions.
i dont know what it is trying to tell me. i hope that one day revelation will come to light.

babel

now this movie rocked my world.
the cultures and scenerios are captivating!
love the colourfulness of the issues and life brought across that surpass the reality singapore dreaming claims they portryaed.
issues like

• terrorism
• racism as a result, white supremacy and pride
• trust and integrity
• death
• children and relationships
  
• the reality of night life alcohol and booze and drugs
• sex in afganistan vs japan
  
• the mute versus music
  

its a MUST watch movie. not forgetting great acting. oh girls, brad pitt is in it. but he's ugly in there really.
but it is a depressing movie. esp the jap one which i can say portray a very realistic view of the night life.

i want to leave

sometimes i just wanna go somewhere else.
its just like imagining life after death but less difficult to conceptualize. i wanna start anew. afresh. away from all the pain and sorrow that merely seem to accumulate upon itself like a fatman shitting on the same spot. i need to get away like in japan minus the parents and bros. i wanna sleep under the huge tree like a homless beggar i saw i wanna sit outside a closed entrance of Shobu shopping centre in Tokyo eating rubbish. i wanna have nothing to feel everything i need to feel. self-sustainance. self-importance. starvation. having nothing. i need to get away from a way. i need to escape to just escape. i need to get out of my skin and put on the grime beside the gates of the firestation or the dirt and mould beside the concrete sidewalks of a dirty stinky alley of a deserted inner backstreet. i wanna be alone. dead. rotting. in the elements and basics. forgotten from anyone's scrutiny of my sanity.

i need to expel myself from my world. so that everything is new again. so that i am no longer who i was and would soon be in this realm of craziness. i need to figure out really what i need from what i want. what i have from what i think i have. what i really should do fundementally not what society requires me to do. making sense out of this world is like making sense of insensibility where understanding is underestimating life's incomprehensible nature as i have always said. hence, i need really, to go to somwhere desolate. if ever for real i disappear
wish me luck.

another thing...

i still admire the religious.
what do they base their immense strong faith on really?
how can they really be so sure?
how are they all able to jump with euphoria and not see the similarity with that worship akin to clubbing and its ecstatic dancing?
wouldnt worship be easier with say... booze or drugs?
i am not trying to be insulting but really, the euphoria or spiritual highs can reach great levels with drugs...
do the religious base their faith on a spiritual experience? then what make them so confidently conclude that it is really something supernatural or just something natural.
the bible should never be used as justification for one's faith as it is accurate as it is inaccurate.

Fuck life and all of you

a piece of writing you MUST try to read and understand! fuck! read this now! its the best reflection i've ever found myself in, and written in an outflow of conscience from the deepest darkest. it encompasses and opens up MANY IMPORTANT parts of my life. i hope you all can relate to it too haha. i call it:
Fuck life and all of you.



















right and wrong are perceptions.
my opinion and your opinion is relative.
what i love and what i hate what i think and what i feel or do
does not mean you see as so.
choices brings out differences that causes suffering as it brings conflict and that is hell.

the bible proclaims One King. The Alfa and the Omega, the Only way the truth the Light.
Nothing else except through Him.
Thats the wonders the lack of choice can bring:
Heaven. and most importantly God's love.
We have to fight choices in our lives! Do not make choices but follow the rules/regulations/demands and commands for self-betterment!
God bless the COMMANDments!
Be as robotic and rigid as possible to succeed in your spiritual/social life!
Siege mentality! Spiritual devotion! Steadfastness and faith!

choices is sin. doing what the bible tells you not to do is sin.
lead a righteous life of slavery to what others want you to be or you will go to hell!
Hell as in literal AND figuratively.
never choose but follow the bible/expectations.
never choose but follow the bible.
never choose but follow the bible.
never choose but follow the bible.
its the only way.

confess with your sins! apologize for your wrong doings!
but who should apologize?
who is in the wrong?
who is the victim by association?
i never chose to be born i never wanted to choose. i had to choose.
why sorry?
why sorry?
why sorry?
do i apologize for the situation i am born into?
do i apologize for never hearing about Christ?
do i apologize for never feeling the fire others could?
do i apologize because i had to choose?
i do to attain silence. peace. acceptance.
i never meant my confessions and apologies. do i?
should i? could i?
i am in a dilemma i never chose to be in but i have to choose to get out of this one day as this is a sinful piece of prose i am writing. a sin as i choose to write my thoughts and not psyche myself to follow normality and rational thinking.

i dont understand why some people can fking get so fking fking and dont even realise it.
i just wanna die today. tired of this bullshit.
PS. i'm not giving up on life or going crazy in this life but i think life is the one thats crazy.

fuck all i dont give a damn now.

japan.

I'm back from













before the trip
I rushed off last week Saturday without much prior knowledge what m i abt to dive myself into as usual so i MUST apologize to Mr Mitchell Chua for not telling you about my absence. I'm in deep regret. :( i wanna go swimming with you and alex. if you guys havent, do sms me but i still cant find my handphone... so...

during the trip.
highlights i managed to actually do there udon, ramen and sashimi jammed in my mouth, saw a little kawaii cosplay , bought stuff from uniqlo, autumn red and yellowness as well as winter at kyoto, tried out the hot springs stark nekkid, rode the bullet train, went to disneyland tokyo and universal studios at otsaka, went to mount fuji and sulphur springs...

things i reflected about














singapore sucks big time akin to japan.its so naive of me to think that all the while singapore was the best country in the world. i was amazed by japanese earnestness, community-spiritness, oneness and graciousness. you bump into them they say gomenasai(sorry), they are not profit motivated but patriotically motivated for betterment of society, they help each other and greet one another. so civilised unlike us singaporeans. singapore wants to dive into the service sector but i feel we can never surpass the japanese despite us having the siege mentality as values and virtues they treasure cannot be so collectively practiced with such gusto and without a hefty fine like the japs can cooperate so freely upon. they actually throw away electrical goods that cannot work with the wire cut off in efforts to ensure that scavengers would know it doesn't work, likewise, those that still work has the wire intact in the dump. i wouldn't give a damn.



















sadly japanese stuff is super expensive. then, currency exchange was about 10 singapore dollars to 75 yen. 1 big pau in japan was 4 dollars sing. a can drink is 2 sing dollars. a meal averages at 6 to 7 dollars. amazing cost of living... i dont know how people can thrive in japan but they do. in disneyland, the foreigners make up 10 percent of population. 90 percent are all japanese wanting fun. and they strut around spending like crazy. they swipe toys off racks to buy. and they have a trend of buying the ears of cartoon characters and wearing them everywhere. so many were doing that, i didnt laugh each time a group of them walked past. cosplay were everywhere and they were delightful sights. japan people know how to have fun which singaporeans do not. no matter how much the government drills us with stuff we should do to make s'pore more colourful, we will never learn it. like culture. its something given not teachable.















the youths have such wonderful uniforms! gosh. i cannot explain. all the cardigan old school style and jackets only seen in manga IS their uniform! and they wear them with pride. they do alter their skirts short and adjust their ties in odd manners but they really look so suave/hot in them!















the men pluck their eyebrows. yes all of them. they do not always dress in crazy manners but most often have the floating dry hair style and all which make them all look really cool, which always remind me of the monster in death note(in a good way). i love the occasional head turners and i study their styles. in japan's 'orchard road', many were swinging away gucci/ LV expensive brand paper bags and i was so sad. so sad. japanese people are just so rich. with strong currency, burberry is not too expensive for them...














the scenery was awesome. landmarks were real landmarks not always the plastic man made ones singapore only has. beauty seem to be unfair as i get jealous of how beautiful a place can get. i took many photos i only put some.



















more info another day...

Quotes

"The truth in relationships are hard work immensely pleasurable, but they need work. it's like cultivating anything, it needs attention, it needs care and application because it's bloody hard work."
-Jude Law my new role model.

"Fashion can be bought
Style one must possess."
-Edna Woolman Chase

august man.

AUGUST man
the definitive men's journal. men's folio has been dethroned.
2 eds and i'm addicted. definately worth the $7.50.

• its published in singapore and not even 7-11 sell it. not much of advertising is made for this mens mag but i tell you after reading tonnes of trashy mags, Augusts is really a magazine packed with content. why so humble? everyone needs to see this shit. good to keep your sanity in a season of mind-rot in this december hols.
• its filled with the usual articles Arena offers but a little more in a realistic slant given it talks about jap subculture, cosmetic surgery practised by men and even thailand sex trade. not about losing weight and global warming in which arena rambles crapily about.
• no distasteful bikini clad women adorns the covers or insides and thank God for that as all that silicon and pushups degrades any reader on the mrt. throw away those sexist fhms and newmans and snags and be a real suave respecting man of womanhood.
• no crappy fashion you cannot wear on the streets. clothes are off budget for an average singaporean but we see where things are going from the top notch botiques and learn what is hot/not. too much men's folio is too extravagant and too fabulous hence useless for an average man.
• we learn from the rolemodels of superstardom from asian Hidetoshi Nakata's ability to balance career and style to Jude Law's struggle with his career and pte life. inspiring.
  
• an A for featuring a brand or two's historical comings giving me a greater understanding why they are so expensive. Heritage is earned man. Alfred Dunhill! the mysterious Ted Baker! The glamorous Cartier! but maybe these brands paid the mag to do this but heck it was well done!
• nice exterior design. proud to hold it on my arms.
• i love the sarcastic/witty and personal voice manner articles are written, a definate class and ends every read with tasteful gusto. Bravo for August's existance brightening up my every trip around the red dot. love the fact its not moralsitic which could make any mag naggy...

august ****stars
arena***stars
men's folio***and a half stars
fhm ***stars

Some recollections from cell

• even christians go to hell,but good people shouldnt go to hell. which is the better choice to follow more fervently? is God evil?
• i need tangible evidence/ a two way direct relationship as i am an insecure person. i do not trust anyone without proof. hence i cannot base my religion on spiritual hopes and disguises. i cannot decide given a miracle or a feeling.
• there is no choice in salvation.
• will God be offended by what i say so crudely about?
  

in a fucking bad mood today.
i relly wonder for what exactly.
thanks mitchel for everything.

i wrote a looooooooooooooooooooooooong post but decided to delete it all. as i think it would resolve nothing to anyone who reads it.

prom

prom was the most false event i've ever attended. an event of showing off and where the 'coolest' people triumph more than those muggers/sportsmen who failed to fit in well with the glam/life-wasting culture.
i've seen people i've never seen before, see people as if i've never seen him/her before as well as seen people do things i've never thought he/she would do.
my class girls were freaking out before the prom and the boys couldnt help but laugh. especially vic and her pom pom hair that she concluded not to smile as it does not fit her tigress vixen look. HA HA. they chose to torture themselves by deciding to walk on stilts, giving them legs that look as if they have leprosy.
i would give SAJC's dressing an 8 out of 10! why? cos i've seen cardigans! 2 in fact taking me out of the picture, floral prints as well. i've seen tasteful alternatives of the formal like the military/emo/retro/pimp slant in some of them showing that they know what they were doing and accesories that make people go "wow how daring". but i never liked the pink haired guy.

after prom as i had alr prepared myself for was havoc and chaotic. people were moving around and pushing. so many undecided options friends had gave me in which i had always gave a unconfirmed "i'll-see-what-happens-after-prom" answer.

1. my class were really keen on asking me to accompany them to post-prom party for various reasons. i knew it was my click going and i reflected that many a time i had neglected my own classmates for friends outside of my own class (pre-prom shopping etc) and i know it's quite unfair spending 2 gruelling years battling out side by side in JC and not be with them on grad night as it might be the last day i'll see som of them before they say bye bye.......
   
2. i also had wanted to hang out with mitchel and his pals after prom for a while as i enjoy their company alot. but i decided not to.
   
3. i wanted to hang out with best friend natalie in which i found out that she also didnt know what to do for after-prom too. so i had decided to meet her (although we didnt really know what we'd do) but always with a note of uncertainty in myself as i had not made a choice.

as usual its hard for me to decide on something.
sigh.

(this is not an excuse/am trying to blame others but what i really felt that night. any inconsistancies that night could be alerted by my class people who were with me. everyone who knows this blog knows my options that night and hope this would draw a conclusion as i type in a stream of conscciousness now.)
the transition period between prom's end and post-prom was ablur. i remembered i was constantly on the phone trying to think of a solution how to get to nat as well as my classmates egging me to follow them. i seemed to be physically moving following with the familiar crowd that i refuge in a situation of uncertainty but i was still thinking of how to goto cityhall as at meritus, there is no more bus, no more train, no money and was frustrated with the situation as at the same time the last rented bus is coming and leaving soon with everyone and i had nothing to do anything without directions/money etc hence had to follow my classmates. somhow i think my indecisiveness had brought made nat angry and again, i say i'm truly absolutely sorry. i really really tried my very best as my classmates could bear witness that i was trying to get to cityhall after you said you were stuck there. i never want to leave you stranded there. how could i? i remembered all my classmates told me to follow them to post prom party as it was my first time/last time we would go out like that/class outing/our class people involved so must support etc... i remembered when i was on the rented bus (which did not waver my decision) that time was running out and i had concluded to take a taxi there when you already boarded the bus but you alr called your dad and was really upset. i was too. post prom party was not fun like that and i hope my classmates can understand. we could have like watched a nice movie or something... but i guess i couldnt derive a solution on time and it slipped. i went to the club with my class and from what i recalled,i can now say that clubbing is nothing if you dont like to pay extravagantly for a drink/know and enjoy the music they play/smoke/want the loose girls there.
amanda's number one quote of the day: i'm not drunk really! i'm just high thats all!..." as she toppled and swayed from the left to the right with vic on her left arm and mr. joel on her right.
i walked with deep regret in my heart of social commitments i failed to heed to. i hope you can forgive my indecisiveness and everything would be normal again as my weakness got the better of me. you say you were not angry but i knew you were upset. i hope this does not ruin our friendship as this is the thin of it. i hope i can reconcile with you one day. ha. i owe you a movie?
watching amanda i felt some things kind of made sense in things i read before. there is method in your madness amanda.

o inspired sage show me
the variousness of things being drunken
teach me the senses of disorientation, give me
the folly i needed
when the world is too wise,
and the courage to keep singing,
when everything sinks...
-BKC

Royksopp Day

Bought a cd at the most uncanny of places: library at Tangs.
It caught my ears, the beat the sound the emotions. i had to stop everything and check it out.
of course the vile herd would never understand, they said it was dumb/clubbing music and other insults but of course i was unaffected...
i learnt it was royksopp. something i've never heard of and i was happy. why? because it was a choice of music i felt was not unheard of but unhurt of by pressures of getting platinum in cd sales or commercialisation which inevitably would negatively affect their style. they sounded like what music should be: an effect that moves you.
that was days ago. i bought it today and i was with veron and mitchel. both probably had a better appreciation/taste of real sound and music hence felt the same sentiments towards the cd as i do. the cd is definately not pop dance/hiphop r&b/ /pop jazz/pop rock/ pop/ pop... so i'm sorry people, you might not like it.
in fact, mitchel had let me listened to one of the songs in the album before in the art room! wow! great.

what else is there. by royksopp.

my other
she loved me she loves me she will love me ever more till the end of time.
she is my other, my one and only other.
she suffered when i was young sick till i vomited she was with me.
she suffered when i was a teen, i rebelled she stuck with me
she suffered even now when my rebellion never ceased but increased-
she stuck with me and is still stuck.
she tries she cries i see i know.
she is at peace just with my assurance.
she is at peace with my mere "mmm."
she is my one and only other
she is my mother.

I'll constantly keep this list for my own sake. No pressure.
What I want for Christmas SO FAR is:

1. godzilla tshirt 1500yen from uniqlo japan
   
2. v neck super stretch heat tech long tee 1000yen from uniqlo japan BOUGHT! as at 16 dec
   
3. mod sweater 1990yen from uniqlo japan BOUGHT! as at 16 dec
   
4. t shirt with this design US$10 BOUGHT! as at 7 dec
   
5. Any retro shoes from asics S$147
   
6. A cool belt like this one from agnes b price unavailable
7. watch this space...

Breath taking.

Church session today was BREATHTAKING. Simply BREATHTAKING.
Was it because i was praying? Was it because God answered what I have been pleading him in my sad sad heart every day subconciously?
I witnessed a healing session today. People were healed of illnesses aches and pains. it was so strange to my what's-new-today-nothing-much mentality and i laughed, teared, resisted, "no way this cannot be" and suspected that the pastor was some David blaine or something but i guess it was real. Spectacularly awesome. For me a doubter who test every litre of the water before diving in say that i was not doubting today's session is something.
After healing some people ,the pastor (an ex hindu pastor apparently) felt a person in his heart with a particular illness and commanded the person on stage. And there really was such a person with that particular illness at that part of the congregation! She was then healed of it! her arm grew longer right before our eyes! everyone screamed in awe at the power of God in which he constantly push credit to.
I apparently wasnt satisfied with some 'cat out of the hat trick' and trailed the lady who was 'healed'. I concluded she was either not linked with him at all hence not a set-up OR was a really really really good/professional actor. When everyone was out of the service, i saw her try to thank the pastor but the pastor shrugged her off as he was praying for some little kid, she looked a bit pissed and went off to try to buy his book outside the chapel but it was sold out. She then left the church with her husband grinning from ear to ear. All the time she seemed emotionless yet not false, traditional yet curious, short-tempered yet appreciative but all in all i feel she was the real deal. no one can act in such naturalness like this to no one but me as no one were looking intently at her at all except me. this healing really healed her. she was NOT a set up. She is not an actor. She was a normal person like you and me.

a few weeks later my father told me this could be a hoax. i thought abt it and felt the exclusiveness of this man and his act and i soon fell back to square one.

Today i went out with Nat and her classmate/friend Angie. am used to going out with tonnes of girls by now so today's no biggie. Angie was super nice a person. She seem to be really nice and sweet. i hope when Nat cont to bring her RJ pals, they would have their lives changed for the better.

Went to check out NJC prom today at Raffles Hotel i think. Report: guys all looked the same. some could NOT dress because:

1. didnt even wear a shirt but a grey long sleeve polo
2. wore silky shiny a-go-go shirts
3. jeans. I HATE JEANS.
4. some fugly leather jacket
5. Metal ahbeng pure milk chains at the waist
6. some weird stitchings on the shirts ther are wearing
7. fat ties. isnt there enough slimmer ties out there? i'm not talking about skinny ties as they are quite inappropriate too.
   
8. skulls/bones/stars and other punk (sai) rubbish that does not suit the occasion at all.
   

Other than those, everyone else wore cream/black suit with a coloured shirt in it. S>T>U>P>I>D. Why no cardigans? no prints? why? arent they the in thing now?
girls were hot except for some who tried to be different but failed to pull off as unique and instead looking S>T>U>P>I>D too.

Adriana Lima

Placed on the blog for quick referance.



















Adriana is hot.
She's a supermodel
with great bod.

Adriana is hot.
a sex bomb she is
was created by God.

Adriana its a pity
the life you have got
i would never meet you.

Daria Werbowy

Innerflict

This is no craapy poem crappy bloggers try to write to make themselves sound sophisticated but fail to do so. i do not do such rubbish. this is my own reflection about my troubled mind so there.

Inner conflict myself

Versus a God.

I shall not forsake you God, God
You are an excuse
my because my so therefore my then
my tomorrow will be better my come what shall

what are the pastors talking about some faith some destiny some hope
why do people sing like an impending storm
why are people so on fire
where do they get their damn lighter from

You are also my opinion my life
my obsession and faith
my rationale for my behaviour
my refuge and strength
love and keeper of my destiny
the light of my path creator way

i cant i toss and turn every night asking pleading, but
pain surges through my temples to my legs
not of the physical but everything else my whole life!
a pain! anguish that withers like the dead- off with my soul and spirit.
it doesnt heal but things get worse worse worse! O the pain!
You do not answer me i fall back refuging
in the darkest abyss- of my own shadow;
i cry
i cry out O Lord, O Lord!
for You!
to come and bring me out into the light like never before.
Never. Before.

This is a snapshot of how my soul is burning, like a hot iron scalding a helpless infant held firmly there by a dark figure it never wanted to meet. i need no ones help or understanding because i guess you'll never understand/i dont deserve it. this is a battle i must fight on my own. thanks.

I listen to moby his new alby, Hotel now.

...
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I needed I never could say
Hold on to people, they're slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away...

His song gave me a temporal rush of hope to continue the persuit of right when everything seems wrong, the light when i really cannot see, that at least i could see some glimmer of hope, of some trace of possibility a chance to see a little glance of His power. Lounge music works. haha.

on to other matters, i felt undercurrents again and thus i feel i still stand firm on hatred i wrote early in this blog. i dont wanna waste space here so re-read as it expresses the hatred i still persist feeling.

Hate comes from sensitivity. I am sadly over-sensitive over-touchy intolerant man who needs to learn perfection is a psuedo-word regarding the human ability. if i go on like this i'll be an unemotional emotional wreck at 30. but i know supression works and depression doesnt. so there.

Yesterday,
morning\afternoon malaysia trip
bought some stuff.

hung out a while with mitchel and his bro.
i eared my prick.
i mean, i pricked my ears.
Mitch, your bro is cool man. better than both my brothers whom are humongous aliens from the land of WOW and 'might-have-been'.
oh and thank him again for the free cheesecake i exchanged for my soul.