Lounge and an outing

Today i am in a bad bad bad mood. i wonder whether it is the inner suppression of thoughts in which i am about to release (however censored, taking into account how public this blog is) OR because i am in a spiritual low. or both. i don't know.

I feel i have begun to see myself as an individual and as a unique entity akin to society really. i know for lit students out there, i sound like our dear Singaporean poet, but really, generally i have decided not to tolerate society and it's persuasiveness and crude environment here. i no longer should be tolerant of such attitudes. Never piss me off. never. i often do not show it but you can sense it because my favorite emotion is angsty. i am not stupid stop treating me like one bloody FUCKER/S of society.
But I'm afraid I'd be left hanging alone myself, with no one to turn to when even God turns His back on me on that.

God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we, murderers of all murderers, console ourselves? That which was the holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet possessed has bled to death under our knives. Who will wipe this blood off us? With what water could we purify ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we need to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we not ourselves become gods simply to be worthy of it?
-Nietzsche Thus Speak Zarathustra

i guess i am still searching for an answer.

Opinion: Lounge music
i like lounge/dance music especially those with great sythesizers and sounds with ambiance. but i dont like clubbing. singapore clubbing=s.t.u.p.i.d. it is associated with life wasting/getting drunk/girls that 'burn' you. pity lounge/dance music is often associated with clubbing. some insensitive unappreciative fools would say, ''lounge music=clubbing music or that its stupid/repititve/not nice one etc...''
~please respect people's taste/pref.~

lounge music is not pop.(say it 1000000 times.) let this ring in your head insensitive unappreciative fools of music. okay? lounge music is no sing a long la la la shit. those i feel are for noobs who are still liking the easy on the ear/ start song-chorus-bridge-repeat-end formula kind of songs that half the time crap about love/sex/narcissism/love and err...love again. i respect people who appreciate the lounge culture as they know really what music/sound really is. its not about mass appeal/silly love songs/crooning notes that others cant/creating melodious tunes that kids would even like. lounge music brings you to the elements of sound. no frills no mass culture, no rules. a good song should give you a moment/a feeling/a different perspective/something so different from straight in your face pop, lyrical pollution or noise from some instruments strung tgt. its more than that. it brings a mood. the song should affect you by creating an effect. not lure you with pretty lyrics/ pretty music/ pretty faces performing soft porn or humor to wow you in their music videos.
if you think I'm writing rubbish and you disagree with me- i guess you should please piss off my blog. for you're an imbecile.
On the brighter side, i found an online music mixer by Left-hand(a band) super cool.
press the option:
Swords Remixer Create your own mixes and listen to mixes by other visitors to the site (requires Shockwave).
you must know how to use it first or you'll find it stupid.

Class outing
Went out with some people today to town. (martin, kaywee, jon, cheryl, tim)
we were quite agendaless. i had a cynical spell about life in the morning hence explains my lack of words or interest in anyones conversation starters,but we went to play LAN first.
LAN was quite stupid because i wasn't familiar with any game so i was of course screwed but i wasn't very horrible though for a noob, despite getting owned. i wasn't sour about it. i was used to losing. really-all my life i was a loser.oh btw, i love indulging in self-pity and sadness. it is as refreshing as it is orgasmic. but it hinders my spiritual life. opps haha.

"look in my face. my name is might-have-been;
i am also called no more, too late, farewell."
-Rossetti

It was fun of course, these games are created to give you a rush of emotions which i like, but i prefer staying in my comfort zone, aka my artistic refuge of thoughts and expression and other arty-fartinistic pursuits so gaming is not for me in the long run.(i rather hang out at Basheer) i also am able to see from gaming the true personalities of people. like a competitive team sport (a rush of angsty images of idiotic polo mate/s flashes through my mind.)

We went shopping. me and martin ran away frantically and screamed at a little remote control helicopter flying, loved that moment. other than that shopping trip was s.t.u.p.i.d. i dont mind helping friends out for prom. i dont like the battle of egos.
Agnes B rocks. Reuben was right. i went there and the cardigan/floral print(not hawaiian but retro floral pls.) sexy sleek and horte couture is there. but i couldn't stay long as i remembered i was helping out others. not my selfish self.

fashion is a sport.

• you have competitors
  
• a competing arena (town)
• your coach (influence)
  
• the professionals
• the noobs
• the different clubs (styles and trends)
  the supporters and fans
  
• you need agility (think shopping)
  
• you need skill

Singapore dreaming and chicken swimming

Singapore Dreaming
You wonder what they're looking so seriously at...
the lady at the left corner look like my chinese B teacher. wherelse the lady on the right looks like Nat! ahahaha

watched Singapore Dreaming. rented it for 4 dollars. it was nice. but i couldnt relate to anything in the movie though although SR Nathan said "it is life in its reality". i guess i was more fortunate.

or that :

1. i never had a father who struck 2 million lottery and die.


2. have a mother who is stupid, doesnt talk and irritates the hell out of the family as she gives them liang teh in which they tell her repetitively that they don like.


3. have a super poor family with a pregnant wife who convieniently forgot about the baby bonus they would get. (Colin Goh must be dreaming when govt announced it during his filming. but Tim say he's an ACSi boy in proud gusto, so i guess its forgivable.)

Errr... i guess, if the many singaporeans who could have related to such bizarre characters in the show... Singapore is doomed. whatever.

if you guys want to be moralized about treating your maid with love and care (or she'll steal things)/ how to get a greater share of your father's money(be poor)/ how sad and wrong a singaporean family could ever go- watch Singapore Dreaming.

i rate the parody 5 stars!

decided to stay home for a few days as my schedule tells me to excercise and do art.

art: collage.
bought a sketch book and would be doing a series of collages. it would be thematic/ philosophical/ meaningful/ impactful.

excerise: swimming. warning:degradatory content. tolerate it or dont read it at all.
today is swimming day the sun was scorching and i told myself i didnt want to stay long, i swam alot, i rest. then someone splashed into the water. he swam to my side. he was as white as snow. i squinted my eyes and realised... it was a chicken! i never knew chickens swim. he asked me to lend him my goggles and i said ok in pity and sympathy for the suffering critter. i asked, "why you today decide to swim?" he said "your exam over ready? i finished mine on friday i had econs s paper." i said oh, thinking why he didnt answer my question at all. he then continued "oh err, i brought my frens here, we went gym now we go swimming." i looked around and saw no frens. then he added that they are coming and i said "ohhh." in relief as for a moment i tot he was refering to his imaginary frens. then he splashed across the pool with great tenacity acting as if he was a professional swimmer. i was wondering to myself, why was he really all hyped up? for what? was he trying to impress me and make me fear that i could possibly be slower than him? i think he forgot i was in waterpolo and could surpass his frantic water dance he performed for 3 little girls, a malay lady holding an umbrella on a bench, 4 ang moh men and me. i didnt care anyway so i looked away. then his 2 frens splashed into the water. he told them "eh this is not my goggles! my friend lend me!" he said, as if showing off he has a friend. one of his groupie couuldnt even swim properly so they decided to, yes, sun tan. so they went to the baby pool and splash around like 3 overgrown kids. it was just than that the sun was covered by a huge cloud and the ang mohs who was suntanning grunted in annoyance. i wonder if the dark cloud was caused by chicken and pals. anyway the chicken and his flock decided to leave the pool and go home because of the letdown~ all these happened in 20 minutes. i continued swimming. in peace. once again.

Prep school style
Anyway here are some of princeton's cool prep fashion one can buy off the internet:

1. The tie is just old school cool
2. The brown and green hoodies comes in a gazillion colours! amazing cool.
3. The brown jacket is super vintage and its nice.
4. A Princeton water polo jacket. how interesting.

Harley Davidson

Harley Davidson has cool tee shirts damn it!
Retro Punk Rocker look which i also like.
I know many are getting sick of my fashion obsession but be patient with me. i love cool clothes. (but hate finding them in stores f.y.i b.t.w.)














































also the following are from Alessandro Dell'Acqua. definately not aqua. A designer i diggg. he likes shorts more than pants. me too.

Metrosexuality. What do you think?

Exams are finally over. I think i did my art okay considering what i did was something i never did before...
I have 3 things to do in the holidays and they fall into the following 3 sections...

1. Excercise(for army)
2. Clothes (clearing and buying)
3. Art

Are you wondering why I am so interested in looking good?
No doubt metrosexuality is a rising trend especially among the youths in Singapore. Men want to look good now.
New middle-income concept stores with commendable range of male fashion has popped up all over the place (eg. Celio, Ben sherman, Pull and bear, River island, Library etc) sharing the thriving market Topman and Zara has been enjoying all these years.
But what the hell is metrosexuality and I think I caught the bug. I think its a good thing and also a bad thing. Why? Read on.
article from http://www.askmen.com/fashion/austin_100/102_fashion_style.html

What is a metrosexual?
(though i feel this description ascribe to hard core metromen the blue text are my comments)
The newly popular media and marketing buzzword seems to mean different things to different people, but in geneal, a metrosexual :
· is a modern, usually single man in touch with himself and his feminine side. (feminine side does not equate to the loose-wristed feminine behaviour. i think what they mean by feminine side as the more apearance concerned, self grooming, self respecting behaviour women are more inclined to than men.)
· grooms and buffs his head and body, which he drapes in fashionable clothing both at work or before hitting an evening hot spot. (hotspot = church.)
· has discretionary income to stay up to date with the latest hairstyles, the newest threads, and the right shaped shoes. (this is a desire not a definite item. $ is a good complementary to metrosexuality)
· confuses some guys when it comes to his sexuality. (not always the case, its quite obvious i'm not gay.)
· makes these same guys jealous of his success with the ladies -- for many metros, to interact with women is to flirt. (well women do not really appreciate what i wear. but they love me i know that. guys are not jealous, they love me too. i giggle in humbleness)
· impresses the women who enjoy his company with the details that make the man. (well well maybe.)

Among them:

• his appreciation for literature, cinema, or other arts (accompanied by talent, i am king.)
• his flair for cooking (not true. but i love eating)
• his savoir faire in choosing the perfect wine and music (everyone loves music pls.)
• his eye for interior design (i prefer graphic design.)

· is a city boy or, if living a commute away from downtown, is still urbane, if not rightly urban.
· enjoys reading men's magazines.

What are we talking about?
Some of the most commonly labeled metrosexual prototypes include English soccer star David Beckham and screen icons Brad Pitt, Hugh Jackman and Tom Cruise. All these men are as much models as they are sports stars or actors, welcoming the not-so-furtive female gazes like the walking billboards they've become.
Signs that metrosexuality has gone mainstream include the alarming popularity of labels like Abercrombie & Fitch, a middlebrow metrosexual fashion option, among straight, beer-drinking frat boys.
By the way, thanks to Mel Gibson's hip and sensitive character in What Women Want , the movie could answer its titular query with "Metrosexuals, that's what!" Meanwhile, Fight Club is about an ostensibly testosterone-imbued movement -- bare-knuckle fighting turning to hooliganism in the name of social protest -- that ironically uses Brad "six-pack" Pitt as its "gorgeous" leader in a narrative that more closely resembles a feature-length glossy men's magazine fashion shoot than a movie.

Simpson’s strategy
At the time, Simpson was simply chronicling a new male prototype he saw emerging in society. The term has been co-opted in the past few years by fashion companies, though, as a marketing ploy: Give people an identity to strive for, an attractive pigeonhole to squeeze into, and, like sheep, they'll buy anything associated with it.
In a Salon.com article entitled "Meet The Metrosexual" (July 2003), Simpson said, "old-fashioned (re)productive, repressed, unmoisturized masculinity was being given the pink slip by consumer capitalism. The stoic, self-denying, modest straight male didn't shop enough -- his role was to earn money for his wife to spend -- so he had to be replaced by a new kind of man, one less certain of his identity and much more interested in his image... A man, in other words, who is an advertiser's walking wet dream."
In a recent interview, Simpson goes on: "Commercially... it makes perfect sense to maintain that metrosexuals are all straight -- after all, advertising is trying to persuade as many men as possible to relax their sphincter muscles, cooing in their ear that there's nothing gay about being f***ed by corporate consumerism. This, ironically, is true."

What’s sexuality got to do with it?
If Mark Simpson is gay, does that mean metrosexuals are too? Most current references seem to peg metros as hetero, but in Simpson's original definition, orientation was unimportant. Simpson clarified this point in an interview with Russia's OM Magazine , explaining, "Metrosexuality is in fact the end of 'sexuality'." He goes on to say that when it comes to metros, sexuality "is utterly immaterial because the metrosexual has taken himself as his own love object and pleasure as his sexual aim. Desire in the metrosexual has been uncoupled, or at least irretrievably loosened, from reproduction and gender -- and reattached to commercial signs. Adverts. Images. Icons. Brands."
In general parlance, to be called metrosexual is not to be called gay, but rather sensitive, chic and cultured.

So what are you?
In case you're counting, this isn’t the first label referring to guys who fall short of the beer-drinking, fart-lighting prototype. To clarify, a few others you may have heard include:
SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy): A guy that women like to talk to like one of their own, and find attractive because they can. Refers more to sensitivity, without the narcissism and preening associated with metrosexuaity.
Renaissance Man: An older term referring to the early modern era, when ancient scientific and artistic knowledge was revisited in a flurry of creation. Refers to a well-rounded, sophisticated, worldly individual with interests in many areas and expertise in several. Think of artist-engineer Leonardo da Vinci.
As any donut shop drive-thru clerk, bowling pin monkey, or anyone else occupying a highly technical field knows, you should leave the tough, dangerous work to the professionals. That is where I, your trained, vigilant lexicographer comes in, fellow struggler, to guide you through the maze that is 21st century English.
Metrosexual is quite a capacious term. Others you may not have heard seem to zero in on one or a few aspects of the male persona. Here are a few other terms you might want to add to your growing lexicon:
Primp: A very well groomed guy who always has women around, but never seems to go for any one in particular. Behind his back, people speculate about his sexuality. More of a "straight gay guy" than a "gay straight guy," to use Sex and the City terminology.
Martha Studly: The guy who has a set of variously sized throw pillows that not only match each other, complement the living room upholstery and decor concept (that's right, concept !), but accent the next room's assemblage as well. Hey, if it impresses the ladies, then "that's a good thing."
Skexual: A male or female whose sexuality -- and sometimes even sex -- is so impossible to determine that s/he just seems sketchy from the get-go. Think "Pat" from Saturday Night Live.

Curious Boy time (this is a red herring)

Melvin's 3 truisms today

1. God (not the persuit of science) is the only anchor that would keep humans sane in this world.
2. Fashion does not tell who you are but who you want to be.
3. Every one can carry off any style so long as your character/attitude suits it.
   
4. Friendship is more important than friends.

Cutted my subtle moehog today so that my hair wont be grass. now my hair looks like this:

''''''''

Anyway,
Went out a while with natalie and liming today. As usual nat will give me all her little spring oniony things to me and i'll eat them all. Friends make my world go round. We saw two china women asking the waiter whether there's any free food. He said ''gott. water lor.''
Mitchel and i went to the national library and i was still oogling i mean drawing nudes again. He's such a wonderful personality. Donno where and what i'd be doing w/o him.

Thank me now. for my nice and reciprocal expression of my love in hopes to bring additional joy amongst the dispair, love amongst the hate... so as to achieve an optimal level oif positive chii in the realm of uncertainty and anything-is-possibleness.

Melvin Binaleh

Today i spent an entire day with mitchel and nude people. I drew them in various SENSUOUS positions in the national library.
I love art. I have fallen in love with art all over again like a dog and its bone, like a child and her doll, like a tadpole and its tail, like a grandmother and her dentures.
The way i draw the curves of the women, i never stopped. ask mitch. i went on and on and on drawing many of them. i am so in love with art. i cannot appreciate the human anatomy or anyother thing that God or science had created us for through any other medium whether is it through poetry, song, biology or whatever shit that happens.
Let me sing you a song about art.

Art art art art art
(repeat X100)

Dear God, i didnt go to church but will tomorro.

Reuben(the raulph lauren, g-star, tommy hilfiger, industry, mont blanc, guess etc... boy) asked me to go out and advice him on what to wear to prom. why ask me? i'm not fashionable. i have poor taste. right? all you listen: i'm just a boy just like everyone of you trying to look best so as to boost my own morale as well as hope that people will appreciate my efforts of dressing well. thats all.
anyway,

I got this converse shoe at a sale today. $29.90.
Mitch got a black one with straps...

"Ah-Hermès!"

Hermès
Drowning myself in materialism like how the Irish drown themselves in poetry and alcohol...
This is it. This is it. The best brand ever. Look at the clothes Veronique Nichanian designed. Amazing. I can wear them on the street and no body will give me curious looks. But i cant affrd them. so might as well find cheaper alternatives... Below are a list of Hermes stuff i dig. they are as follows:

1. Polo tees like this is ultra stylo milo.
   
2. Cardigans. What can i say?
3. Floral shirts are no longer a faux par. Its IN.
4. This is actually from Tommy Hilfiger but fuck it. Its cool so its in the list. Stripes has always been in but bold and baggy long sleeves are better.
5. Cardigan again.

Fashion stuff for the tuff and buff

I dont give a _____ damn if you call me metro, this is my ____ blog so i get to do what i ____ like: clothes.
They are proven to boost one's morale.

This shit is called: Grandad Chic

And they say: Cardigans, they're not just a band from Sweden. Your grandfather's clothes might be useful these days guys.
Particularly the cardigan. Please get it you idiots.

By D'squared-who makes great belts!







This other shit is called: Prep

And they say: Rewrite the handbook with deconstructed classics. The shorts is cool. Makes you look rich. I like being rich. I fear the poorhouse. (parsimonious)

by Raulph Lauren

Freedom reigns

Nothing can express the feelings inside
-better than my own drawings.

















Freedom inside of me.
The exams that i dislike (everything except art) has ended.
I have art left. ART.

melvin's truisms for today:

1. its sad i cant swallow words i have said.
2. too much studying makes us immune to stress, destroying the ability to perform in the exams.
3. no one cared about your pimple more than you did.
4. looking up to freedom is anticlimatic as freedom has got no substance.
5. I fear rejection, happy?
6. The rest in this entry are boring stuff dont bother reading.

Dear Mr Blog- who collects my entries and ensures that they are shown to everyone:
I forgot to blog yesterday. I was too tired. Really. I know its stupid excuse but i apologize Mr Blog. I wont be so absent minded to you again. I know you want everyone to know who i really am through this blog as well as keep me in the minds of readers who give a damn about me. i'll not fail you. promise. unless i really forget again. or if i go to japan in january.

Not been going to cell. Not been doing my QT. Church = talking session.
Not started my cell teaching for a LONG time. Have not prayed to God even for exams. Not tot of God at all in my entire day. Not felt His presence for a long while. God i need to do something and i will.

You know it is weird cos i am also talking to God through this blog as if he has a com up there and that he'd read this and go," sigh, melvin is so vulgar!" or "sigh there he goes hating the life i have given to him."
But it clears my inner spiritual debts giving me assurance.
It shows everyone that i am not lying, wearing a facade or creating a blog to advertise how exciting and cool i am (no doubt its true).

You feel better when you know you've got friends.

Artistic persuits and being jaded.

My artistic persuits are scrutinized by Boey Kim Cheng's Howrah Station page 9, 3rd stanza.
Also see Long Days Jamie's reply to Tyrone page 31 "Some of the poems... a damned good start."
~My literture texts are telling me to stop writing poems.

Had great fun with Mitchell, Yiqin and fat violet.
Fat violet particularly said this blog has got 'decadence'. which could either mean the high society prim and proper movement where there was a persuit of refinement and perfection of beauty OR of degradation and erosion.

Had great fun last night with Nat. Its times like that that I feel so fortunate to have such a colourful and wonderful person in my life. you know what secret thing i'm talking about. It keeps us from feeling... jaded.
I wink.

i need to study for real man. after this entry i will study. pray for me everyone for i am not worried at all. :) and the time you see below is screwed. its actually 12.30 past midnight. i'll adjust it-another time.

Love and the lack of it

Love

The lack of it
I. Individual. In independence of
liberty and freedom full of
self and nothing else
Life with the lack of it
never dies with heartbreaks.

The lack of it
but envy, green-eyed of jealousy.
Held affectionate
they them

togetherness
Their sensuous sensual
two of them tightly touch.

Need it
don't want it
don't have it
won't like it
won't mind it
still the lack of it.

Here's my take on love for now. Cannot deny my influence from friends who have undergone the pain of un-loving. I've always wanted to, attempted but never suceeded even cross the 1st step. I dont really give a fuck now but deep inside, whenever i see how love could really be so beautifool, I get depressed. :-l
oh btw, she's Julia.

Novena star 2

Them

They squeak behind you
at your every
move
ment.

They squeal behind you
and mimic you
sardo
nically.

I say they are angels with ugly faces.

Anyway mitchel ruiwen weiyan yiqin and britney. you guys rock man.

oh and i am parsimonious so dont get me wrong that i am greedy.

We are the fog people

Tolerate life rather than live it.
Fatalistic philosophy of life-dark
pessimism-stoical acceptance of
determinism
life itself constitutes inexorable fate.

To avoid despair
One has to cultivate philosophical detachment
self delusion by retreating into memory
imagination to a world
of illusion
hope
care-free oblivion.

Trapped by fate and what the past has done
we search for refuge; a home
but we become an ass out of the future which is determined by the past and the past is often recreated to suit one's needs.

Survival is a struggle
against the intrusions of reality
into the anguished life
of the conscience.
Guilt, vulnerability and the need for connection
The need for
sympathy,
reassurance,
trust.

~Long Days Journey Into Night

Calvin Klein's Candy

Candy

i've seen her
on the stores
i'll never know her
she never really is there
she's awesome
you know.

sigh.
candy for the little boy...

poems like one about this girl from the calvin klein advert are composed in simplicity and minimalistic to rest our minds from any heavy boey kim cheng style rubbish. hope you are relaxed from reading these simple-minded lightweight poems.

Friend or foe

More about my mind under clicket and wicket:
i dont understand some people
they are unfriendly friends
yet they behave like great friends
but you know they really are fucking selfish disgusting assholes.
politics already at this tender age.

I can tolerate:
ego or pride.
insensitivity.
overly self-awared people.
and many other odd-knock attitudes when many cannot.
anyone who know me, i do not insult or correct such people as i respect their humanity.
if i do its only out of jovial nonsensicality.
i hate those idiots who take advantage of my tolerance.
i hate people who are sensitive to what i say yet are insensitive about what they say to others.
i hate people who hates my jokes. i'm fucking put onto this earth with wit to bring joy to everyone. anyone who dont appreciate will shrivel up and die.
but often, i dont fuckyily give a fucking damn.
non-chalance is not a bad refuge.
i'm more vulgar when i type.
You. this is general not aimed at any one person but instances only. i'm ambivalent.


Baudelaire's Epilogue (aka Edmund's morbid filth in LDJIN)
extract.

I love thee, infamous city!
Harlots and Hunted have pleasures of their own to give,
The vulgar herd can never understand.

The vulgar herd can NEVER understand me.
anyway-
good hair for me
you might see me in this few years down.

Fashion stuff for the tuff and buff

I dont give a fuck damn if you call me metro, this is my fuck blog so i get to do what i fuck like: clothes.
They are proven to boost one's morale.

D'squared is damn cool. The designer understands me!

Their freaking adverts in the US are known to be horny and sexy. here are the less explicit ones i could find with the least nudity... To be honest, I LOVE THEM!
















































Street wear. This white shit above is cool but never go NUM as it is gay. get this t-shirt somewherelse. Anywherelse.
This other shit is also street wear.
Jackets are cool but Singapore is hot. But its cool with pants like that. Actually it looks like something in which Rui Wen would wear.

Novena star

Why i use the word fuck so many times despite being a christian
i see no vulgar wrong in it when i use it to merely express how fucking pissed i am.
i am not a composed and whimsical young man.
God never said we cant use fuck did He?
i dont give.

i love Jesus and
i know he know He still loves me
as He knows i am a notorious fool.

alone in novena starbucks.
ruiwen ditched me after lunch :-(
mitchell failed to turn up with his crew :-()
saw this girl who giggled at me-so cute-short hair-pouty lips-liked her but we will never know each other...anyway
i still feel like i'm talking to myself../not used to this blogging shit.
bored so i refuged in my trusty read. hung out with these peeps.

here's truisms i chose to hide in my blog. posted a month later here sneakily.

1. Explaining oneself too much resolves nothing but makes matters worse.
2. it is harder for people with choices than for people without.
3. its better to marvel at the beautiful layout AND keep the grime off the table.
4. if i keep talking to myself only, i resolve nothing as i cannot rationally decide with only my own voice ringing in my head.
5. savoring in sorrow is fine. but never in other's expense.
6. it is harder for people with choices than for people without.
7. being a victim of choice could be rectifyed by understanding why the choice is made and not why am i a victim.
8. last resorts makes no one happy at all.
9. it is not wrong to try and fail but not everyone sees so.
10. there are things you'd like to say and do but you just cannot due to circumstances that fate has put you in.
11. sometimes i would love to leave but fate does not want to let me go.
12. some people think they are deeply affected but doesnt know that there is a possibility that another is way more affected than the other.
13. in most issues no one ever knows the full truths of any matter to judge/conclude/decide appropriately.
14. friendships are socio-politically important investments to an everyday life. but it should never be political nor a social burden. hence, not an incentive to invest in if so.
15. a heart can be broken only if it was fully made.
16. 'hurt' is a feeling that is created too easily and lasts too long than what happiness could ever offer.
17. taking advantage of. this is an evil act that people do not know they are doing and any efforts to reason out this, adds to the act.

best magazine in singapore all men should read.

Anger

fucking fuck.i had an almost murderous battle with my small brother just now. imagine.
regarding his spastic friends, a computer, and noise made by a fucking electric guitar and piano.

when anger is aroused in me nothing stops it.
it covers every other thought in my head when i'm angry and i become irrational
anger is my greatest weakness
i may seem frail but fuck when you get me angry and push me to my limits,(PS. it can be for the smallest reason)you will NEVER see me the same way again.
so far no one outside has pushed me to the verge of killing
but i'm sure in the workforce it could happen
beware as much as i am trying to rectify this weakness.

God if you're reading my blog please help me.
Friends do not be afraid to joke around me as per normal. just be aware of my darker side which you guys have not aroused in me yet! :D

Act one Scene one

now starting a blog doesnt feel like as if i am starting one. i've always been writing one in my head.

ranting:
i hate life.
cant wait for everything to end.
but i'm afraid of death cos i dont know what will happen after i die.
i still dont trust the God concept but i'm still holding on to it.
i hope one day i can experience God and be 100% convienced he exists
but looking at the intangible nature of his evidence(aka faith? blessing? miracle? presence? divine intervention?) i find that it's gonna be tough.

random facts people should know:
i feel stupid half my life!
i am tired of life!
i dont trust some of my friends!
i seek attention people!
i am heavily apathetic! non chalant! but loves to have fun!
i have no hobbies.
i hate to do everything or be with anyone too long.
i dont beleieve in friends! yet i need friends!
i'm super emo but doesnt show it!
i hate to read.
i dont deserve to be 'blessed'.

i'm bored i donno how to blog.
is there a structure to blogging?
must it be journelistic or narrative?