darkest chocs ever.

sigh. i really don't like people. never seen much good in people. that includes me many a time. never depended on people to be satisfied and be happy. i tend to laugh, cry and talk to myself and think about my own questions more than anyone else. i sound crazy but i find this has a perfectly sensible rationale.

-interrupts happy new year to myself. its 2011 now. midnight.

i think this is also why i never really feel that i needed a close friend to confide because i felt that had confided in many, i never really hid things from my friends (unless its a serious thing that would be detrimental to our relationship) but i have never felt they really understood and many really never have the god shoulder i can lean on. or depend on. many scoff at my thoughts anyway. but they do know sometimes, its true, the human condition. i have never been so satisfied being here, talking about my condition, comforting myself, giving myself my own listening ear. its good i have you here listening to me. reciprocation is the only thing missing here. maybe an echo is somewhat all i'll ever get. but i enjoy understanding people. i like looking at the way they behave and rationalize with myself. i enjoy embrace all the pleasures of being with people. but when sometimes, i just hate life because of the way people are conceiving it all around me. it's pressurizing, its stale, it's stupid and it's not productive. i thus tend to create my own system of being that others have not. it annoys me that i have to remind people and myself even sometimes because of the nature of people. inborn imbred whatever.

big problem: there is a void you need to fill. you look elsewhere to find someone somewhere who can fill your void. but really, cant you fill this void that is within yourself by yourself? no fill is better than the host itself. but obviously this is not ingrained in people's minds. i would die for my own weakness, than of a shortcoming caused by anything else. but then, i wake up on the other side of the bed, doing some of the dumbest things then i become really judgmental about myself and i would begin hating myself.

perfectionist behavior, compulsive a disorder, hypermanical. i hate myself stge would happen. my lack of most often. i know myself very well, very aware, sometimes overly aware, then sometimes tactless. but hey these are things i realise upon myself in comparison with others. i can escape that if i grow numb. i numben my feelings, i numben my thoughts. i become a straightforward asshole. that way people get a definite reason to hate me and back away. maybe that way i feel better as a person, more defined, with simpler character flaws to correct rather than a thinking complex one that i currently have.

in my mind, bittersweet is better than liquorice sweet, but in reality dark chocolate is too overpowering to me, i hate it.

i am affected by conversations i was involved/overheard today and i feel like a alien again. so i gotta say some things.

this is an unedited train of thought, might not make sense and it begins now: everything is in the fucking mind you see, i think 49, and i see laughing of a being there and done that, and then the fears of a sad prat whose carpe diem seemed non existent. how much my heart bleeds ultimately is how my mind defines me, defines what i do, is it enough? am i lacking anything? do i need to be anymore than i already am?

too often we imagine and yearn but then stepping back and looking at ourself in the mirror, this is not who i am... this is not who i thought i should be. but it has already became you. then you move on. its a stage like that that can happen or not. it will still be you. right now, i am being who i am. i will not expect much from what i believe, i will push whatever boundaries i feel like pushing, i will go as far as my guts take me. i dont care, really, it doesnt affect me deeply, what people say cos i am stubborn and i always think i know better and many a time, i do know better cos better is what i think is better. so technically i'm always right to my self anyway.

yesterday i was kinda upset over the pressures of social acceptance and social norms. today upon reflection, i really wonder if i am really that ignorant, why am i so bothered? but then i realised, i am bothered because it is stifling and sufocating for me. its like im struggling to break free from these lowly behaviour and maybe begin to hang out with a toad, a giant monster and a robot. maybe they'll clique better than anyone i know. i think sometimes in life if you cant ask them to shut up, just play along. in life, i think i need to be abit more decisive and more fierce. be more ignorant be more of an asshole. that way people wont expect much from me, i can be more of who i want to be, i wont be bullied, i wont be upset. no more mr ficking nice guy. this world is not fun.

opus

i wrote a few mew poems in my poems blog. check it out. have been waking up at noon time these days. catching all the sleep i have lost, letting my body rest and revitalize for another hectic semester ahead. sometimes, i feel like giving up, leaving all this studies and things. i dont have much i seem to hold on to in this realm. like as if, nothing connects. i have met some who almost can but, they fall short. albeit these people make me feel that there is hope in knowing something out there, who can be my jesus/complete my soul.

girlfriends are fucking overrated.
somepeople see getting a life partner as theeir greatest achievement, as if after getting one, thats it life's greatest hurdle is completed. these people tend to be fking emotionally needy/ indoctrinated by romance = life hollywood, parental pressure to get a husband/wife asap to have children. biggest bullshit ever. they scare me off. i rather be alone than to succum to this lower thinking of how to live a life. there is SO much you can do. SO much you can be. i will not be tied down to a girl who is an equivalent of a horse wearing blinders.

i respect those people who get their partners when they never intend to cos firstly, mutually, these people actually have better dreams in life. if i ever get attached, that will happen. i have seen too many stupid things gg on. i sigh but hey, i hink they are suckers and they think i am too. neither will understand each other and i realise maybe i should just shut up and let them live their modern day strats hillbilly lives and grow grass on their backs.

i admire artists who sell their souls to persuing things like performance arts, visual arts, step into the biennale, read books at how people are walking pilgrims of statements, ideas and seek to bring revolution and change. people with an active vision, people with dreams. i have seen some, i admire, and i dream with them. but i am holding back because i feel like right now, i am at the pedestal, the treshold where i'm about to jump into the aabyss, or fly up. i dont know where i will be gg to but i know i know i am an artist. i am a performer of something that in years, i know i will start ti be and i will walk my walk.

god

moving on to serious note: god.

i realised the similarities of those who denies a god doubts the same extent of credibility as the agnostics who denies the lack of proff for any one god. i shuffle between these two at different parts of my life. thus my conclusion is the only thing certain is uncertainty. thats the constant, the eternal persuit, the everlasting truth of nature.

christmas + parents + my grandma.

Feel Like Shooting My Relatives Dead.
one thing i have learnt from my parents at christmas is that money doesnt matter when it comes to family gatherings. buy the best food, deck the house at its best, give give give. i often ask my mum, ma, why do we spend so much and give the most when uncle XXX and uncle YYYY is richer, better off than us? she would just say, it's okay set by example... dont need to be so calculative...

this is also the case for taking care of my grandmother. she is the last surviving grnadmother. i have seen the way my relatives would only give monetarily and sometimes when my parents are not in town, would take my granny and return her once my parents return home like as if my grandma is a pest. my granny is sickly and hard to look after so technically she is a pest but my parents embraced her presence and even I would groan when they without fail take her out for our family outings cos i have to push the damn wheelchair and limit my choices to wheelchair friendly places. i dont know where they get their grace and such love from. it is painful sometimes to me.

I recently got to know my granny mentioned that when she goes, she'd be giving most of her life savings to the youngest aunt. cos she says she always brings her to the hospital. my mum got upset hearing this, i believe not vos of the money part but by the fact that my granny doesnt recognise what my parents had done for her. truth is, my maid is the one who brings her to the hospital the most and its my maid that took most of her nonsense, cos they share the room.

just 2 nights ago, on christmas, my mum announced to her relatives that she is setting up a collective fund for my maid to learn a nursing course that would benefit my maid after she leaves us as well as nursing care knowledge that my maid can apply to my grandma. my mum had to even joke that if they dont pay, she would tell the oldest child of theirs to chase them. i felt it was very shameful. but i think my relatives are rather thick headed at that.

talking about this makes me annoyed although it doesnt really has anything to do with me on a personal note but it aggrevates me. i cant do a thing about it too. sometimes life just sucks and we just have to live this cos we dont have the choice but to. wish i can run away.

so much

conundrum

i realise i empathise the stupid and the pathetic. i realised that after reflecting on the stories i write, the movies i watch. maybe this isnt a big deal after all people tend to watch out for the weak. but i think mines a bit different. i personally feel that people who are miserable and stupid seem to have the most meaningful & righteous life. unfortunately i am neither and i more often than not, fantasise to be in the shoes of such people. as ungrateful as i sound, i honestly don care because it has came to the point where i am a person known as by much more horrible adjectives by people who know better. then now as i rant, i step back and realise that hey, i AM a stupid and pathetic person after all. i am who i have always fantasised myself to be. then i stop thinking just there because you see, these revelations are simply me getting smarter and less pathetic.

reason

facebook is the part of relationships i hate the most. and more often then not, the use of the website stops there. a skim of the surface where the only thing that brushes off it is the powder or the lip gloss. theres my reason to quit facebook. its a saturated amalgamation of society's incessant behaviour organised in cities of eyes and smiles that burn throughthe photographs the words of people talking about barely anything at all. the 1000 comments on an embarrassing photo, the likes on a cool status, the friend collection. its not that i'm not being friendly or i am afraid of people. its that my perception of life is now, whether presented to me on a pretentious level or not, is consumed by my read at a glance and sometimes, just like PDA, you see things you dont like and sometimes, its good not to know. i might be the only person who favours some down time with no information in my face.

so much to say

so much to ignore

so much to forget

so much to imagine.