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Reading asian art history has been amazing to me. i have learnt not to laugh at other religions and find beauty in all religions as they are all as outrageous yet all as real as christianity that i was fed with since i was born. the way it is established, canonised, instituitionalised by time, religion really, is the pure testament to man and his mental power. and i believe in it so sarcasticaly and also in awe at its willpower against such glaring odds.
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Personally, I have a lot to say about things, about life that people never understand. but I hated myself because i was conscious of how delusional I am at such a young age, and knew I was being difficult and childish ut I noted that when I am, I cannot subdue these because I truly believed I was smarter than others. And it was my sanity.
I found this in my notepad and I will now transfer here: I was the lowest performing when I was young, but I leapt fast and high within a 2 year frame in Secondary school and achieved so many As with whatever I could at the time. because of the spurt in my acedemic maturity. (i never felt intelligent. i finally did when years later.) But I still never loved anything but the creative arts subjects. I had always did well, because in art, I had so much control and so much ability in my hands, somehow, to express the intended.
I got this revelation after a heated argument with my dad, who told me I was unlike the other sons he had because I was so demanding and so full of myself. I gave him a hard time because I was so right and he was so wrong, and I was always right because of some string of reasons. But maybe, my consciousness was different from his consciousness because I felt so all my life and never saw how he saw.
I was so much into myself of myself, I knew I was different but I never knew it could be a mental disorder because I felt I was normal enough. It was not till I met someone who had the same symptoms, and she fessed that she had Bi-polar disorder. Reading up immediately that night, everything clicked and all my struggles seemed to have been lifted off my heavy heart knowing that I was sick. I was pretty convinced i had bi-polar disorder or hypomania. My energy and emotions are so much and makes people tired and angry more than half way through. I keep quiet all the time when I’m out with people. I don’t click with the way conversations or words bounce off people in real time. People see my quietness as arrogance. My lack of comment, my wit and comments as arrogance. I don’t feel it but maybe I am arrogant. I feel superior than the way people think. I get upset by the things people say. The things people get themselves involved in like games. Then my thoughts go back and forth in my head, emotions rise and fall more often than the tides, I think this is what people call emotional instability, you wont know when you go through it, but it happens. Also, I lie a lot, sometimes, for the reason to see how people would react, rather than to cheat someone of something. I feel that I am alone in this world; parents and friends really, don’t get me. I do not feel the way most people feel about many things. I have the tendency to dramatize because I always loved being loved and it matters to me a lot. But at the same time, I hated the attention, making me not an attention seeker. I cannot handle attention and I perform best, behind and will not like it anyway. Well, you can say: many people are like this. But hell, my mind is in a knot all the time.
The amount of power ultimately from within myself, the amount I am willing to let go, the amount of mental tenacity i am built with due to this mental illness, I’m just glad I know I have such a problem. Fully conscious, it doesn’t make much difference to me as being me, except that i am not an evil person which i have always thought i was. I was simply trying to battle an illness. putting it that way makes me feel better about myself. I can make a conscious effort to fit in. But is being hyper a bad thing when many of such people are visionaries.(davinci) i like davinci. with this, I have fuller grasp of what could be, fuller sense of reality, a mind like God, hyper sensitive emotions, unfaltering confidence, I don’t see why I cannot be a visionary or a pilgrim. well, let me discover more about this and tell you.
