sophy dophy pudding and pie

i was so bored, i started spamming people on friendster. go read funny ones like the one to veron about being a little frail duckling, one for martin about having some disease and one jingle to sophia:

sophy dophy pudding and pie,
kissed the boys and made them cry.
(PS: no meaning or offense just a name suited for the song)

randomness aside, i have been doing some mighty photo manipulations see 2 sucessful ones. one of me and one of friggles.

me

my bunk mate

enjoy his funny noises
he's from Holland and also speaks with a weird slang
what army can do to you

hairspray

aboves' non hairspray pic is one of my art photos i took today.
I don’t see how people can get so obsessive about social life, materialism, gaming, studies, career, schools, love, relationships, sex, jobs, beauty, hobbies, the 5 Cs, etc… obsessing in such stuff to me are flings. Life is so much more than that! All these perish and fade! Gosh some people do not see this. When they die they’ll know la. It’d unfortunately be a tight slap upon their sorry face. Don’t talk to me about your opinions about this. I’m not interested.
I wanted to go shop a bit today but I realised how much I’d save and how much virtue I gain when I stay home. So I didn’t go to town after my dental. I went around to take photos of dirty stuff today in the void decks of flats nearby. I took photos of pipes, grime and dirt… I love these things. I realised how awkward it is to be wielding a camera in a void deck. Everyone stared at me praning around snapping pipes and old bikes. I was also freaked out by seeing an old man sitting alone beside a dump when I turned a corner. He was freaky.
I’m so happy in army. I can see no one so far better off a life as compared to me. I am out a lot. Like today, I’m off. The joys of freedom is great. Really. Ok away from boasting, I go on to GQ. I just bought August’s issue of GQ. The 2nd one I bought after the alba’s edition… it’s a bumper issue and there are some interesting reads. They have stuff liike how I will soon fall into a tailoring addiction and how I like Lucy Liu for Gap.
I watched hairspray. I thought it’d be a gay show and didn’t want to watch this colorful singing bonanza. I regretted rejecting my team mates when they asked me to join them to watch Borne Ultimatum to watch another movie with the other click but I believe it was worth it. They sacrificed to eat SUBWAY! with me even though they hated it. Oh fyi: SUBWAY FREE UPGRADE WITH EVERY 6INCH MEAL BOUGHT aka no need to pay for the 2 cookies and a large drink. This means your meal can be as cheap as $4.30 for tuna sandwich etc… I LOVE SUBWAY so much, I might make a subway outlet pregnant. Might go out to eat that today again and again. As I was saying, hairspray was actually a good movie! Its true! Is so funny and nice and all. No pretty girls and too high school musical for my comfort at times but definitely classier. I love the clothes. Nikki Blonski is so weiyan! The personality and all! Haha. James marsden is way cooler than that retarded HSM’s Zac Efron who cant act(even Amanda bynes is a better actress) cant sing(even john trovolta sings better in drag) cant dance(even the big white whale aka Blonsky bounces along better). Queen Latifa is not even wearing the 60s look in the movie. she looked more like a fatso wearing a night gown 24-7. Went hotel hopping with the people who started it all the game becomes addictive. This time we strutted into Swissôtel at Clarke Quay. It was not very swiss but very oriental. There is a great chillout lounge beside the reception that i plan to go on our next trip. Realized Clarke quay is flooded with Japanese. And so we left because it was starting to feel like world war 2 all over again. (And my friends laugh at my joke! :D)

oh God, i'm too fortunate. rare a condition in this world. God, life is that much harder...

Other side notes:

Don’t ask me because I would be forced to lie.
I rather not anyone you than have anyone to.

Anything close to madness
Death in crushing guilt
Mental chaos
Conscious drone.
I love my life.

Loser. When you’re not meant to be, you’re not meant to be. Suck thumb. Suck thumb. Don’t fret over why you can’t. Fret on ‘then how’.

“I’m not a clown: happy on the outside sad on the inside.”

qwerty

bked out today. life drones on.
Cell was not very excite. I dunno whether was it that dog, the mood of the people or just me. Missy donuts were nice but today I woke up with vomit at my gullet. I wonder if it was the missy donuts. Horrible stuff btw.
Amanda’s dog was super cute with the neck band thingie (to prevent the dog from licking his balls.) because I love dogs in suffering.
Nat thinks I have fallen into a depressive state because I am so free sitting and watching sunsets all day long that I get depressed. What rubbish. If you knew me better, I was much worse a state before I started wearing any green uniform…
And I checked out face book. And all I see is retards who are throwing sheep at each other, giving drinks or sticking notes onto each other’s ‘wall’… its like stocking up social acceptance to build up on one’s social portfolio to prove that they can be accepted in society hence deemed as cool its like saying ‘hey see so many people love me! Because I have such a decorated profile for 100000000 people threw things at me! hurrah!’ quite retarded. Its like a friendster with the comments/testimonial column enlarged to 2/3 of the screen. However I do enjoy (alittle bit) entering into people’s profiles and see what they’re up to but it’s a sinful thing… some lock their profiles too(like my friendster account…) for fun. To let no retards read rubbish I’ve got to say about me and what music I like and what affiliations I have or how my marital status is “it’s complicated” or dunno what shit.
Anyway I met Melvin today and I interviewed him.

So Melvin how do you feel today?
Fine but if you asked me ‘How does it feel like to be’, I’m seeking your understanding
and your empathy.
Erm right. So anyway to our main topic of this interview, I really would like to know why you do what you do and think what you think?
Don’t talk about that because I could pull you down alongside me into clambering depression.
Ok fine. You know what I think you really need help. I mean you’re insane!
Sanity is hindered by struggles.
You might have woken up from the wrong side of the bed my brother…
I wake up everyday dazzled at my vulgar disposition please. I fall into helpless nonsensicality everyday.
What do you want to do when you grow up?
I will do what I deem as success even if the whole world is against it. that way i die happy.

bras off

3 girls taking out their bras in 987fm studios. what more should i say.in 0455, vernon a managed to film the 3rd girl's breasts as she took her bra off. loser! but she's the prettiest i must say.

knock it down

for all out there who has not seen this ancient video yet. watch it. it feels creepy that even about 15 years ago, we all men in singapore do the same thing- knock it down!knock it down! get your hands on the ground and knock it down!

Imelda goes to singapore

by an artist Brian Gothong Tan featured in the "We Live in a Dangerous World" installation at Tanglin Camp for the Singapore Biennale 2006.

hell load of controversy.

Think about it two

That moment in which I thought,
I shattered.

And all the King of kings’ horses and all the King of kings’ men could not put me together again.

Think about it one

For you to ponder on a pancake:
Dear Lord
The quest to prove Your existence
is like the dance
of romantic courtship.

there are so amny reasons why. i wrote a long list, and deleted them necause it's better for you to realise them by yourself.

Subpoenaed ponies

Quotes

‘I preferred nelly furtado before she became “Loose”’
Jeanette Lee

“Its better to be a rose in a bed of roses than to be one rose
In a bed of weeds…”
Paris Hilton

Songs to have in your mp3
With Every Heartbeat by Robyn (this song is so awesome
Evil by Interpol
Sunday Morning by K-os

What's better than Jude Law for Dunhill:
Kate Moss for Agent Provocateur
Kanye west for Fendi
Beyonce for Armani 'Diamonds'

realised there are tonnes of singapore art films inyoutube. if you got time go youtubing.
I want to be JK rowling right now. ( PS: $ )
I have learnt that black round-toe pumps are “so sexy” from gym class heroes. So girls wear’em.

Poem #78
I love rejections at the moment.
So noble a feeling to the affected.
So bittersweet and ravaging for the soul- like a healthy exercise.
Makes life so encouragingly nauseating it makes one humane and wholesome.
So emotionally charged that to me it becomes morbidly soothing
More soothing than anything that theoretically sooths.
So sensual, it shudders.
So frustratingly liberating it makes thing very real.
I love getting disappointed.

Poem #79
Its better to be lonely
Loneliness brings no despair.
Its better to be lonely
Loneliness brings no heartbreak.
Its better to be lonely
Loneliness brings no letdown.

But loneliness brings jealousy.

But jealousy is materialism
Secular
Unnecessary.
Degradatory.

poem #80
Tortured,
I sit on the devils’ carousel
The tinkling of its melody comes to me as frightening
Stuck in unyielding rotating dizziness

Reaching down with my hands on the earth again
Grasping groping the gravel
To stop the revolutions
Turning against my will
My fingers battered and bled
And my fingernails got fleshed
I retracted my arms and moan in agony
But I jammed my arms down into the earth
With doubt yet with will power
To stop the revolutions once more
Turning against my will.

I bleed to death
Noble
Brave
Adamant
I thawed to an unknown.

below are related photos.

night out with girls @ holland v

PS: What did not happened as planned:
• ELVIS PRESLEY SHOW with a12
• MARINA BAY FIREWORKS DISPLAY with a12

But thankfully there are the girls who provided tonnes more fun.
(Amanda, Jeanette, Natalie)
A day’s happenings in short:
* Indicates peak = ecstasy.
Amanda’s house. Drawing. Hugo. Church. Debrah attacked me as I expected. Girls go all depressed and lovesick. *Girls go all giggly and chatterboxalicious. Holland V. Crystal Jade. Noodles with weird sauce, xiao long bao, *Jellyfish in Sesame Oil. Gelare Ice Cream Parlour. *Brownie Ice, *Waffle Tower, *Fruity Surprise. *My mp3 player. *Debrah and Graces’ arrival. Eski Bar. No seats. Coffee Bean. *Pretty wasted girl. *My mp3 player. *Mango Crème. Taxi-ride home. *K-tv session. Nosey taxi driver.

i win. still had more fun than any akon concert or birthday partae! hawhawhaw!

cuttlefish and isabuls

Booked out again. Nights’ out actually. Arther and me have those big cameras, so we are going to go on a photo-taking escapade at Chinatown and clementi woods park (haw par villa) this saturday... very eccentric eclectic places but that's the point. We’d take good shots of people, places and plants, and then paste them in a sketch book probably from the paper shop in city link. So excite! I bet I can do a really good job. Plus, it builds up my versatility in my portfolio for my future endeavors. I’m not a jack of all trades that is a master of none. I’m a master of all trades but lazy to begin on any one trade. It’s true. Also, had a funny time with my team members. I guess they are a fun and funny patch of cabbages. Lucky me. One was obsessed with chasing cuttlefish in the seas of Malaysia (which he was squirted with things he could not string out in his limited vocab.) and another has a funny name: isabul (not to be confused with city in afganistan, Istanbul). I told Arther that if isabul was a cow herder, and that if he spots a bull in the herd, he’d shout “ Isabul! Isabul!” (PS: “it’s-a-bull” said very fast). My friend laughed till his balls dropped into the sea at Breakwater. Talking about dropping, I dropped my mp3 yesterday… it was late and I was pulling a huge thing up a tall thing. And my mp3 aka Samsung yk5 fell 8+++ meters down! I groaned and arty helped me check. It was scratch free form any damage. Miracle! Ate botak jones with my team just now. Ate whoppass fries, fish and chips and tuna salad. My stomach feels like a swollen headache in my belly. I hate it feeling bloated but I guess I need to fatten up before I disappear into the horizon of the sea… being a bag of bones is not cool unless you are an animal who does not want to be eaten by predators out there. Bt I do not want to be eaten by predators anyway. But if I’m stuck on an island, I would live longer if I got a spare tire to absorb nutrients from I guess. Oh another random rant: I love 8 days. See this weeks. You’d see Fiona xie lying around here and there and all over the SHOP! Her spread in the issue seem like some sleazy chatline 1800-chat-and-fuckme advert. I hate it yet secretly love it.

nhghg

IT quote of the day:

"(i) key pad is locked. press * to unlock."
-my Samsung phone

Artfilms of the day:

1. "for my ah ma" by Anthony Chen
2. "becoming royston"

Song of the day:
Do it again by the chemical brothers
(PS veron also agrees.)

The sky was a banal baby blue. Birds twittered and children skitted across the fields. Today went to church... good sermon. something about us being sheep and He being the Shepard again. but was refreshing cos it was by a charismatic and loud ang moh. they always pull it off better than many preachers. went ikea ate BK with parents. went gym after that. then decided to go out again cos i was like so bored. rueben then brought me out on a luxury brand hunt as he claims he owe me a birthday treat. (ps i din buy him anything even so.) anyways he treated me to watch Becoming Royston @ The picture house @ the Cathay. the seats are much better and there are complimentary drinks at the Picture house Lounge but i guess we didn't know... the movie was arty farty and the blow job royston got was erm orgasmic. the girl called 'ah girl' is HOT. i liked the show cos of her!... i wish i was that royston in that movie and i'd be so lucky to meet such a sexually active hot girl like her la... everyday have sex until pregnant. ha! after show and shopping, he treated me to a turkish restaurant. hurrah. ate some hard subway-like beef thingie and some ancient biblical bean soup. well he knew ocs had more pay i guess... then we left our separate ways cos he had to book in. i went to meet my parents at IMM. but was raining so i went home straight. tomorrow book in. bleh.

back track with a12 (this month)

Here are long awaited photos. finally edited from our hooters trip as well as our $2000 dollar stay @ Irene's little hostel. hurrahness.

ben and jellys ice ki-leem

More photos os the day isnt out yet cos veron is no where to be seen in the digital realm.
Today is another fun day as usual went out with zz and gq. Was quite a meaningless and banal meeting but we caught some muay thai action and a abercrombi/fred perry sale which gq bought a lot. (they were also my choices too but I let him buy them out of brotherly care for him.) gq had a permanent boner today. zz left after a while for church (not without pestering gq to attend his church too… (wow) and me and gq walked a bit and horsed around till he had to eave for his meal with his mummy… reuben and ruiwen disappeared into thin air even though we were supposed to meet? Oh well. As usual.

I saw a slogan on s church saying:

God is the real potter. Not Harry.

Super funny.

Then met my class for a WHALE of a time. Cant believe we are all university freshmen/nsmen and on the brink of 20… we didn’t act like one. We met up and gathered. Went to thai express beside the esplanade because everywhere else was packed full of lianz and bengz. Randomly, there was something about the couple beside us that made me uncomfortable. We went to ben and jerrys to eat a merlion combo aka 7 scoops, all toppings in wafer. My treat. My choices were: raspberry ripple, coffee buzzbuzzbuzz, new york super fudge, fish food, cookie caramel butterscotch, strawberry cheesecake, banana monkey. Banana toppings, nuts, sprinkles, chocolate fudge. Walah… the perfect icecream. Only for my a12. my dearest dearest a12. thanks for the fun games too although I wasn’t very serious, we all had fun till our stomachs ached out of laughter.

Another memorable thing after another. Joys.

sentosa #2

Sentosa today again. with TDS team 1. aka my team. apparently the most successful trip of all trips i ever had gone to sentosa for. 5 star. we spent $20+ (very $€$€$€$!) on transport alone within sentosa. which were the cable car and the sky rider to and fro. drinks were on Daniel i think. very cool stuff you must try before you die. on the sky rider aka 1st photo, i was trying to hit my pal's slipper down 10000s of feet above the ground. on the cable car, we rocked the entire carriage till we were scared ourselves. randomly, the 2nd photo depicts a plump boy bending over in the background to take a drink out of the ice tumbler is CFC Daniel our ic for the day... he laughs like a hyena and plays a bit of polo too. 3rd photo is the skyrider thingamajig. cool stuff. $5 1 trip. $9 bucks return trip. we din know so we took 2 single trips for$10. idiots. below is cable car ride return trip. no view or whatsoever. just brown sand due to constructions. we did get a birds eye view of Superstar Virgo ship's top level. cool. and the distinctively huge electric-pink ship we see on duty at tuas naval base. it travels to sentosa too! how cool a ship is that! was shack after volleyball game which burnt away my soles of my feet. but volleyball was damn fun, i played it for 2 and a half hours non-stop.PS i was always winning. a huge muscly man challenged us/me to a volleyball match. he went away after a while. i think we/the rest sucked big time. we talked a bit to a ang moh chiobu. but no numbers were exchanged pls. both parties were not desperate. (got that reuben?) aaand, daniel offered us drinks as a mark of i dunno... brotherhood????? well, he gan-bei our beer and we ermed. i was just glad he didnt yam-senged. anyway, me and arther my pal went vivo where i bought an adidas tee. well i am not a trend follower or a sucker to materialism AS compaered to the past... now i buy what i prefer. i dont wear all those fastfood tees la... brokenstocks la... etc. (eg: i dont carry slingbags cos its hip now, i wan to carry a haversack cos I and only I think its cool yup endofstory.)i dont buy the mr-men tees but i do like the Mr Well-hung one from NUM. cos i think it innocently fits me cos i do am quite like william hung... no meh? anyway i met the atomic robot man!!! woot woosh bang!

881

today, went orchard with jon, tim and amanda. went to check out club 21 store. boring and lame stuff but hilton hotel was nice. spotted paul smith store there though. was much cooler. watched 881. nice costumes, interesting setting and ideas but horrible plot completion. many loopholes. incomplete issues brought up left hanging. but royston still had time to show the cock man staring at women's leggings and the papaya sisters twirling round and round for a good number of minutes. mixed up tomorrow i'm booking in to sentosa beach. dont know what will happen. hope'd be fun. watching movie, 'the myth' now. the jackie chan one at home. muuuch better than i thought it would be. really funny picture of my favorite artist below.

Hotel hopping escapade

My finger is throbbing of an ingrown toe nail. Went out with army dudes again today. Booked in for a few hours… we decided to do funny things today. We wanted to watch an adult play but only opens 12 august. I am thinking of watching gwen stefani's concert. Anyone interested please contact and accompany me. We ended up hotel hopping. We went to crash hotel pan pacific. It was magnificent. We took the lift that brings us all the way to the up into the sky. My ears popped at the 40th floor towards the 67th. We went up and down and up again. Very nice view of the city… then, some ang mohs and a hotel bellboy entered. The boy greeted us all thinking we are patrons. He asked us which floor and the ang mohs said 4th (clad in swimming gear, I think they wanted to go dippin. The bellboy turned to us and I immediately instinctively replied "4th too." The ang mohs stared at us with suspicion. I put up a what,-I-want-to-go-your-level-too-cannot-meh-look and they turned away. I didn’t know where we were going and felt the space of the elevator getting a bit uncomfortable. Arther squirmed and ben squeaked. My army mates were bad actors and they were awkward but then I broke the awkwardness by saying "so Arther, when are you going back to Hong Kong…" he giggled ruining my efforts to sound foreign. Ben then replied me," we are going to new zealand next right?" I stared at him with scorn towards his unorthodox randomness and lack of tact… luckily the bell boy didn’t suspect our intrusion. He couldn’t be bothered or was simply too dumb... At the 4th floor, he let us all including the ang mohs out and the ang mohs kept staring at us as we followed them a bit. They were getting afraid of our stalking. We found stairs and went all the way down and out. That was thrilling.
Next was ritz carlton. It was huge. Went through a back door which had an old bellboy there too. We strutted in and he let us in. we found ourselves at some alley and we used some fscilities like the toilet and went to see the little shop in the hotel. The plates and cups on the dining area were so decadent. There was a huge ball of I donnowhat hanging on the super high and huge ceiling at the reception area. Hotel people were crawling everywhere and we felt it wasn’t right to be hanging about an area where everyone were white men dressed in suits with weird badges on their collars whiile we were wearing jeans and some adidas… so we left through the front door of the hotel. Unfortunately at the front entrance, the road leads straight to the highway and we were lost. We could see no sigh on Marina square… we turned back and the doormen were staring at our lostness. We didn’t dare enter the hotel again but we realised we had to cos we would just end up walking aside the highway. So we strutted in again. No problems cos I think the doormen knew we've got no choice but to use the back exit to leave properly. We didn’t have a car awaiting our departure… we strutted out the same door we entered. We didn’t want to play this game anymore.

Jessica Alba
Went to the postcard store to check out stuff. We bought fridge magnets for our army metalcupboards… saw this one of alba sitting blurly with a melting ice cream in her hand. So sexy. Me and ben bought one each. I couldn’t lay my eyes off the image I don’t know… its her dreamlike state that enchanted my heart into submission of her soul depicted by this innocence so dreamlike. And people say she looks even better in real life. Wow.

New wallet
Got a new fossil wallet for $40. a steal apparently. Put the alba magnet into my new wallet and it fitted snugly. Love my new things.

Queing

suntec opened till midnight today. and they said any purchase more than 50 bucks will get a goodie bag from the reception counter. the lines formed soooooo long and when i peeked into the goodie bag, it was a bag of potato chips and some plastic stuff and lots of flyers. for this, singaporeans are willing to queue for miles for this bag of crap. gosh.

Food
Gloria Jeans Loco Coco super sweet and sinful but nice. Not blend. Too sweet though.
Aunt Annies pretzels. Sugar and cinnamon, seaweed and mint and chocolate.
Lunch was kimchi and vegetarian.
Evening, we had pacific coffee...
Almost had white chocolate at max brenner's choclate bar...

pissed up flapper

Uuuurgh. cant sleep, nothing to watch, nothing to read, nothing to do... everyone is booked in, studying or busy... army mates are all staying in while I'm not cos i mounted today... not in a mood to think about much shit but am ready to regurgitate what collective thoughts of the week before... right now abit lightheaded from drinking heineken. managed to curb my restlessness in the house. here goes anyway...
think about it: sometimes prayer is a reminder of purpose. (sun 8.32pm)
a man who tries to be Christlike all the time does not need to pray when his actions are of praise and hope that are already louder than any words he'd pray anyway.(sun 9pm)
i could write miles about important things life should be and no one would read. i can draw spectacularly and no one could bother i can demand attention but i will get a lack of. i may prove to myself i am special but i will be scorned. you have to have a likable character and not only skill to do well unfortunately. to be best, you must be well loved by men and God most importantly. but still, the most painful of all realities: do not seek to please men (we find ourselves doing so most of the time. less for God.) for when we do not do things for men for sake of men, it piques our ego, character, even basic instincts, mindset and lifestyle. so it is tough. reputation and reality is based literally on social relations anyway.(tues 3am)
its too nice and natural to seek to please men. and its the most self-degradatory, horrible feeling one can get especially when we do not meet other's cut. life thus sucks so much. cant wait to die but then again i become morbid.(tues 3.12am)
i hate it when life's final destinations are so psychologically complex. i need to believe and not just fear, love and not just fear, have faith and not just fear and submit and not just fear. why cant it be just You and me and no frills... why must evil come out of nowhere and enter some random angel... becoming what we recognize as satan today? why must life be so horribly painful...(tues 3.30am)
what are the statistics of people going to heaven over people going to hell? i bet it's one to heaven out of 20.(tues 3.34am)
argh my mind is so blocked out by strange sensations but i love it... i'm hearing aqua and danity kane. they make me go craaaaaaazyyy...(now 12.41midnight)
i recall bad moments over and over (and unfortunately this instinct is a sin), i get angry more and more, i get increasingly morbid. (tues 3.35am)
fear grips my heart. i clutch in futile defense. i cry in response. i want to be alone. i want only Godly comfort for it is the only right comfort without secular means to stop going crazy maybe i should stop thinking altogether...(tues 4am)
existing is alright but it's just times like this where my life seems so dumb altogether, kills much of my morale to live on. putting everything in perspective, i realized this: nothing much truly matters! all grow old and die the same way. all loses their memory to dust. all bodies sag into dust too.(tues 4.28am)
life is actually is not too bad in the end. its just the issues of cold hard reality it brings gives me involuntary spastic shivers- (tues 4.32am)
...

slowly very cleverly

Here are a list of songs that names make up the word: Clot. as in 'blood-clot'.

1. Clothes Off! by Gym Class Heroes (simply addictive btw)
2. Love Story by Katherine McPhee (LOVE her sexual music video)
3. Only Love by Trademark (old secondary-school-day anthem)
4. The Party by Justice (in their new trance album, Cross)

Today's fine very wide awake and all. so bored that i'm reading harry potter and the deathly hallows all over again and feeding ALL my breakfast (often is mee tai bak or kuey tiao) to the fishes. i spotted a new species. silver, size of a normal wallet. fat squirmy thing. once around 3am, i heard creaking on the roof while i was on my job, and i thought it was a huge rat or something so i didn't bother. thats when i heard a sudden "bleah!" and when i looked up i was stunned to see a skull with long black and curly hair above mine upside down looking at me. my heart fell to the ground. it was one of my friends with a costume. he apparently climbed up to the roof to scare me. and it took me awhile to regain composure. it wasn't that I'm chicken or anything but really seeing the costume at such serious times of the day would scare anyone. especially when you don't expect it. job has been a drift for me. i read all the magazines available in the market every month all the time and have nothing else to read i exhausted every print dry! i can tell you the article about sex Neil Humphrey wrote in Arena was boring, the Jacky Chan interview in August Mag was lame, 8 days brand issue was interesting (8 days my fave junk mag of all btw) even reader's digest brain edition, and Home and Decor magazine has got really nice lamps this month, maxim and FHM is the usual: lame jokes gory articles hot babes, the new paper and their lack of stories this week. dry dry dry... i need to have something to entertain my brain... suck up all... dry... dry... anyone with idea of non carbonated drinks for me to try? or any games? books? music? I'm desperate for things to see, smell, taste, etc. Friday's sentosa trip... tomorrow chill at Millenia walk... planning a outing to MOS with mates... i'm so putting one goal after the other here. life in my job's been too good. slept 16 hours again... so awake... just watched Pan's Lybrynth in the afternoon. watched transformers cartoon on kid's central and realized why i didn't catch the cartoon series when i was young. it was horrible! when the robots transformed, they just flipped 180 and they changed. plus the animation sucks big time. have a ton of poems to copy into destroyedmanuscripts but I'm afraid they might affect my happy mood i have today... and i nave been drawing intensely 2 days ago. go check my art site. did more but i didn't like them so i didn't put it online. wait for more updates 'yall.

round round

Bloc Party- waiting for the 7:18
Good Charlotte - Dance Floor Anthem

Okay I hate the Hey There Delilah Song now that everybody, cos I heard ah lians singing to it that day…

On Monday of this week, I was so hopeful when I donned upon Rick Warren's timely lesson on temptation which even Jesus had to battle with in his time. I was on top of the hills and happy. I wrote an unfinished epiphany #2 to promise the Lord:

2 August 2007

"O lord today like many days I happily start a quest to relinquish he devil's
allure. It is an easy quest as long as I know how to look at the bird in the sky
and the water flowing along…
The fruit of the spirit are baisc solutions to
the devil's allure. As hard as it can get, we have to recognize the rewards one
get in heaven, the gretaer joy, as well as the christ likeness one could attain
through this quest. The quest should never cease but technically it should grow
stronger and stronger with each day of less sin and I would soon have God's
amazing presence revealed to me as a posible reward for the internal burning
suffering I would undergo in figting tiresomely (mental physical spiritual)
against the devil. Resist him and he will flee from you. Persistance is what God
wants and success is what you'd get…"

31 July 2007

“Dear Lord thank you for being with me all the while even when I didn’t know it. All these inner anguish I feel shows me one thing: hope. Lord I do want to love you forever. You are all I need. No one else will do. No one. and I shall remember that. Nothing else will take Your place and I long to feel the warmth of your embrace. Oh lord my arrogance has caused sin and denial but I know in You that You will give me the willpower and hope in me to keep myself upright in Your eyes. I also do ask for Your forgiveness for any weakness I have shown, making me susceptible to the devil. I also should be satisfied with the Truth and not stray myself to doubt what is right through faith. I pray for great strength to believe for…”

But the feeling lasted for barely half a day. Shit happens and I realised a few things:
1. Words and declarations are so easy to compose and link up but the issues can never connect and execute as easily in reality.
2. Negativity comes forth as a stronger, bolder, more captivating emotion hence lasting feeling over the soul as compared to a happy righteous one.
3. Sanity and sin are many a time, the same thing.

Yup. That’s it. Even now at a normal state, after going church and revitalizing my faith, I sit on inner discomfort. My chest hurts from the inside. when breathe, a wrenching pain oozes the hope metabolism out of my immune system. My heart laden as heavy as a log. Every beat is tiresome. Spiritually immobile, upset about everything. Agitated and easily irritable. I begin to hate, begin to embrace and look up to death, begin to feel hopeless, desperate yet shudder when I imagine myself begging up to church leaders for help as they would get into a state of shock and perplexity. Noone can understand something I cannot even find myself being able to put into words. Every little thing adds up to this huge pain I feel and sometimes the pain doesn’t even belong to me and plus all the hovering doubt and sin I get tangled into, I do wish I'd die, for nothing except people who love me is ll that I live for. Nothing else really matters anyway and it is the Lord's command anyway. Sigh. Fuck now I do feel I can do anything. I sometimes fall into a state of recklessness that I feel that it's good that I am at home for if I'm out, this state of distraught, I would do ANYTHING because nothing holds me back.

ART: My latest works are about love and I take the theme in a mocking manner, incase you people think I am a sentimental goon or some power puff shit. No. read close into my works and you note the same underlining thing:

In a relationship:
Lust is sin.
Love needs sex.
Love and sex without lust is nothing.
Love is sin.

art!

lets laugh and then cry.
lets count the stars.
lets huddle.
lets not care about the rest.
lets make love a little.
lets slit each other's wrists.
lets laugh at the pain.
lets gaze into each other's eyes.
and lets die together; as one.

st augustine

Oh I have so much to say but I don’t know where to start! I have attained literary gold. This dude called st augustine and rick warren had managed to intoxify me with words that comforted me dandy. Finally someone to relate to! And he is from AD 354-430. an unlikely relation due to time gap but I have been much reassured with a man alongside me who once walked on this earth and questioned the questions I questioned so firmly and more agitatedly on, done the things I've done so defiantly and felt the way I felt at moments of darkness (moments that no one I know would ever comprehend and even bother thinking about for they have never have been through this before.) . We radicalise and then cry. We would still remain in a state of uncertainty but we both have got a steadfast power of faith instilled within, that gives people like us more hope beyond any other normal Christians and makes us so very special. No longer outcasts or delinquents that everyone would think so of, St Augustine has given new perspective. He has given me the hope I believe I deserve.

We both had people telling us in different ways this promise: 'Leave him alone,' … 'just pray to God for him. From his own reading he will discover his mistakes and the depth of his profanity… it cannot be that the son of these tears should be lost.'. His journey was successful. Mine is still pending. And hopefully I end up like him.