a transformer birthday

i know you must be feeling disgusted after looking at all the cool bots, you get rudely interrupted by that scantly dressed vixen. but hey. she's a power packed thingie.
Anyways i thoroughly enjoyed my self today. thanks saf for giving me an off today. thanks ppl who sang me a birthday song. i felt louserish but i guess louserishity is part of life. one day, one would have to feel that emotion.
thanks also for the great transformers robots in disguise movie and great pals alongside. the movie is a must watch btw. amazing graphics and i couldnt even catch the action at times because sometimes you just cannot decide to pay attention to the amazing frame by frame detail OR to watch the stunning action of the autobots versus the deceptithingies. Love the hot babe but too much of a Paris Hilton for me to handle the fantasizing... favorite part is the part showing how the autobots are huge but super clumsy ditsy thingies as they louserishally take cover to ensure they are 'out of sight' by the boy's parents. i love bumblebee. so loyal and funny. and cool. i wish i have an autobot juuuust like that guy had. sigh. life is so boring. thanks Jinxiang for giving me the transformers plastic toys. thanks Nat for fixing it for me later.
thanks Nat again and Amanda for disappearing all of a sudden and ambushing me with a walnut cake. thanks Brenda and Jeanette for ordering the pizza and kfc too, making the day much better. thanks Johnathan for getting off your comfort grounds and coming for cell for my sake i guess. and maybe Jeanette's. thanks Celest for your strawberry chocolate cake. thanks for all who smsed too.
great birthday guys. thanks. had a ball.

birthday eve

Back at home once again early and I am no longer convulsing in glee. I guess book out is becoming nothing much. These weekdays, I’ve been booking in to do absolutely nothing besides ogling at the small pet turtle my seniors from tuas own one bunk away. Not that I’m complaining. It’s been really heart-warming actually. Especially when I have a novel at hand all the time. The story is no biggie just a story of a family’s life and all but I really love this domestic hoo-ha that makes up an ordinary family of 5 in the 1910s. The slightest nuance in Lawrence’s writings make this book so realistic, it still brings nostalgia to modern people like- ME. What makes this book simply cool is the 3^rd person narration of a domestic conflict. I actually manage to see relations to my own family akin to the Morels on explicit grounds. But given an omniscient view, I actually understand my father/mother/brother do certain things and why I behave in certain ways despite certain things. This novel puts life in realistic and relatable perspective that makes me unable to put the book down. I also marvel at his awesome literary pyro-techniques like how “The moth ricocheted from her shoulder and into the bushes…” or how “She felt the marrow melt in her bones, with fear and pain…”. It’s so original.
-

“Go now,” she said.

“I will, my lass,” he answered, turning away.

Dismissed, he wanted to kiss her, but he dared not. She half wanted him to kiss her, but could not bring herself to give any sign. She only breathed freely when he was gone out of the room again, leaving behind him a faint smell of pit-dirt.

-

He lay and suffered like a sulking dog after what he had done to her. He had hurt himself most; and he was the more damaged because he would never say a word to her, or express his sorrow. He tried to wiggle out of it. “It was her own fault,” he said to himself. Nothing however, could prevent his inner consciousness inflicting on him the punishment which ate into his spirit like rust, and which he could only alleviate by drinking.

-

“They want me in Lime street on Monday week, mother,” he cried, his eyes blazing as he read the letter. Mrs Morel felt everything go silent inside her. He read the letter: “ ‘and will you reply by Thursday whether you accept. Yours faithfully-’ they want me, mother, at a hundred and twenty a year, and don’t even ask to see me. Didn’t I tell you I could do it! Think of me in London! And I can give you twenty pounds a year, mater. We s’ll all be rolling in money.”

“We shall my son,” she answered sadly.

It never occurred to him that she might be more hurt at his going away than glad of his success. Indeed, as the days grew near for his departure, her heart began to close and grow dreary in despair. She loved him so much! More than that, she hoped in him so much. Almost she lived by him. She liked to do things for him: she liked to put a cup for his tea and to iron his collars, of which he was so proud. It was a joy to her to have him proud of his collars. There was no laundry. So she used to rub away at them with her little convex iron, to polish them, till they shone from the sheer pressure of her arm. Now she would not do it for him. Now he was going away. She felt almost as if he were going as well out of her heart. He did not seem to leave her inhabited with him. That was the grief and the pain of her. He took nearly all himself away.

-

Gabby who was chatting with me on msn.(using a few coms away from the rest who were also chatting with me now) is oblivious that we are bitching about him here. oh the louserishness of that little thing. everything else aside,

Most importantly,

I love all my friends. Thanks really.

For existing.

• My 3, best friend and girly pals who will bring me on a date tomorrow!!! (I’m so blessed:-)
• Mitchel who called me at 10.10pm today to wish me happy birthday from his commando camp in spite of his busyness.
• My classmates tim, soph, veron, aman, jon etc who have been planning this big party for the june babies. happy birthday!
• My army mates Arthur and Joseph in which I will have a ‘transformable’ time with them since we all got same bdaes. happy birthday!
• My family who would reward me lavishly with food I presume.
• My army mates sudhan, koh zz and ivan all the way back in Changi who sent a cake thru msn that they are using in the audi. thanks.
• And Guo Quan. succulent kisses, my emo mate who surpasses all reuben tans and skinny jeans. i shall pet your head now, like a cute POH. for wishing me happy birthday 4 times so far.
• Weiyan my fat violet: Happy bday!
  

SK II- smart advertisers who distastefully low saturated advertisements that make that bag of bones look so pale so as to make her look white. They boast of Bitera™ which no one really knows what it really is. its a producer’s advantage of imperfect knowledge.

I am actually quite excited about the whole Harry potter thing coming up. both the new movie and the book. NOT the theme park. lame. Yes I know its childish and all but I really love the concept JK had. I wish I had the story about the boy who lived and earn millions upon millions from him.

rants

the anger outbursts and hatred
the killings of other's self esteem
the trashing of someone's pride
despite my immediate guilt
things still never passed my brain but out from my lips.

the addiction to a flurry of negative emotions
oh the passion and love it is to dive
into misery, pseudo self pity and suffering
allows me to sleep soundly each night.

ah the beauty in the most morbid
the sensuality in blood and brutality
of lambs and rabbits that suffer
the most painful fate...

the constant doubt pulsating through me
and oh how it lets my guard down
like a shroud of firmness and discipline had slipped loose.
i woke up shocked
at the horns i grew in the morning.

my hands still firmly tied back
unable to budge myself free
from this mental failure.

the loss really.the loss of all belief in myself
loss of all aspirations
loss of all control
loss of all hope

the flashes
anguish
sad
pain

i feel like a common animal
success no longer tingles my heart
God no longer exists in my life
friends become mere voices.

Realized a few things as follows:

• Jessica Alba is still as hot as ever.
• Valarie Tan news caster in channel 5 news is hot.
• Emma De Caunes in the Mr Bean's movie The Holiday is hot.

not really alive and happy at the moment, so if i have any typos in this post, i apolllogize. i am reading a book entitled Sons and Lovers by D.H Lawrence. kind of loving the sad reality of how things go in the story as usual. very silas marner in style aka full of useless details and philosophical reflections coming as 3rd person narrative, however something that gives this book a greater twist is possibly the energy in the characters. so far, the Morels in the story though a simple couple, are very complex in relations. yup. cant put it down despite it being a book written a gazillion years ago.

love the fact that i have been booking out but have heard rumours of future stay ins like those at changi side. but i do believe the tuas people will be less horrible and give us our offs every week. besides, i dont mind sleeping with friends and aircon anyway.

Bible reading
reading the bible is a drag really
forcing myself to read it.
but sometimes after that,
i do wonder,
whats the point?
i didn't learn anything today.
again.
anyway.

a to z

oh my and i thought there were no more ideas... i found a piece of aart work quietly sitting in ~drahomira's deviant art account. it is a little book with a twist in it and boy does it play with my heartstrings. you can buy it i guess, for US$6 or €5.

Ichi-kichi yaya dah-dah

1. not giving me what i want is God's way of giving to me what i really need instead.
2. disruptive moments are often divine opportunities.

A lthough things are not perfect
B ecause of trial or pain
C ontinue in thanksgiving
D o not begin to blame
E ven when the times are hard
F ierce winds are bound to blow
G od is forever able
H old on to what you know
I magine life without His love
J oy would cease to be
K eep thanking Him for all the things
L ove imparts to thee
M ove out of ''Camp Complaining''
N o weapon that is known
O n earth can yield the power can do alone.
Q uit looking at the future
R edeem the time at hand
S tart every day with worship
T o ''thank'' is a command
U ntil we see Him coming
V ictorious in the sky
W e'll run the race with gratitude
X alting God most high
Y es, there will be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Z ion waits in glory... where none are ever sad!
-Pstr Calvin Lee

The nightingale and the rose

Love

the initial facade of the wonderful Love
would fool the occasional puppy.

"What i(the Nightingale) sing of, he (the lovestruck student) suffers, what is joy to me, to him is pain. Surely Love is a wonderful thing. it is more precious than emeralds, and dearer than fine opals. pearls and pomegranates cannot buy it, nor is it set forth in the market place. it may not be purchased of the merchants, nor can it be weighed out of the balance for Gold."

but o the sweet morbidness of a good read,
for i have learnt so much of love.
o the senseless triviality of this swing set chain,
do the potential potent pestilence some justice!
for the unattainability defeats the eventuality of the eventual nature of itself, is love.

"no red rose in all my garden!" he cried, and his beautiful eyes filled with tears. "Ah, on what little things does happiness depend! I have read all that the wise men have written, and all the secrets of philosophy are mine, yet for want of a red rose is my life made wretched."

o the heart be firmly still.
for the love you possess is but of any worth
for one's sake and peace ,retreat from the red rose.
but the relentless tide of poisonous passion
pushes the valves unshuttable:

"if you (the nightingale) want a red rose (for the lovestruck student)," said the Tree, "you must build it out of music by moonlight, and stain it with your own heart's-blood. you must sing to me with your breast a thorn. all night long you must sing to me , and the thorn must pierce your heart, and your life-blood must flow into my veins, and become mine."
"death is a great price to pay for a red rose," cried the nightingale, "and Life is very dear to all. It is pleasant to sit in the green wood, and to watch the Sun in his chariot of gold, and the Moon in her chariot of pearl.Sweet is the scent of the hawthorn, and sweet are the bluebells that hide in the valley, and the hather that blows on the hill. Yet love is better than life."

a fatal emotional ride that killed.
o love fuck you!
you destroyed the world and its every drop of pity and sanity.
you pierced the golden heart and sucked every metaphorical drop of romantic goodwill,
torturing and killing the nightingale to create a hope of something that revolve around nothing.
you misled, tricked seduced and passioned young and innocent things into a deep trench of
living sorrow and gnashing of teeth.
your sadist sinistry destroyed everything into the debris of a battlefield
broken hearts strewn all over- a bloodied and gory mess!
to love again, fuck you!

"What a silly thing Love is," said the Student as he walked away, "It is not half as useful as logic, for it does not prove anything, and it is always telling one of things that are not going to happen, and making one believe things that are not true. in fact, it is quite unpractical, and, as in this age to be practical is everything, i shall go back to Philosophy and study metaphysics."

extracts from the Nightingale and the Rose by Oscar Wilde

the happy prince

But at last (the Swallow) knew that he was going to die. he had just strength to fly up to the Prince's shoulder once more. "Goodbye, dear prince!" he murmured, "will you let me kiss your hand?"
"I am glad that you are going to Egypt at last, little Swallow," said the Prince, "you have stayed too long here; but you must kiss me on the lips for i love you."
"It is not Egypt i am going," said the swallow. "i am going to the house of death. death is the brother of sleep, is he not?"
And he kissed the Happy Prince on the lips, and fell down dead at his feet.

extract from The Happy Prince by Oscar Wilde. This story is about a statue of a deceased wealthy prince situated amidst his poor town and a swallow naively in love and about to migrate. upon seeing the poor reality of this world outside the walls of his castle he once lived in, he gives everything he can to help the people in need with much persuation hence help from the swallow. as winter drew near, the swallow's desire to migrate was overtaken by the quest to do good with the prince and the what remains on the statue is worthless, the statue was later torn down and burnt. the bird which by then had died of the cold was scorned at. the world never recognized the statue and the bird's actions but up in the sky, somebody cared. God told his angels to bring up what remains of the two entities, the statue's leaden leart and the bird's corpse, up to heaven.

It's only by the grace and omnipotence of an all loving God, that makes every good worth.

Sinew stitches and the loser

Sinew stitches
Lakeside.

I grasp loosely onto the hems of Jesus' robes for dear life. but my leprosy had already eaten up my fingers. the fading sight of the sunset encapsulates the loss of a figure of hope and a pillar of peace; so steadfast. this brings me immense sorrow and overwhelming discomfort. life becomes adrift as even the subconscious conscience seizes to resist nor exist. i become an island hence inhuman. my soul tries to tear the body open to escape but the stubborn bloody sinew stitched back every attempt. i find myself tortuously stuck, claustrophobic. i quiver and say "O Lord give me strength..."
-
Loser
Bus 257, towards boon lay interchange.

And he stared on-

without her knowing of her own lingering presence that she thought was a flutter; but was actually like a long shadow that had effectively crippled his heart, ripping him into a heap of could-have-beens and might haves.

loser.

taran tuas

17th June 2007

During the block leave I had, I was really enjoying myself tons and had so much going on, I couldn’t believe I did so much. I could squeeze 2 welcome back surprises in a day, lots and lots and lots of shopping after a hot sentosa trip, oceans 13 and fantastic 4, I could travel from bugis to beach road to suntec to orchard. All these on top of the usual cell and church and stuff. But you know, I can never stay home because if I do, I’ll just die of boredom. I’ve got tons of energy I know.

19th June 2007

I really liked how Amanda plumped up a little after her return from Liverpool. ha. I did remind her that sparrow concept, which is that in colder countries, sparrows plump up in order to fight the cold, which i believe its true and when they migrate to hotter countries like singapore, they become lean like the ones we see prancing around the grass. but actually, i think sparrows do not migrate. and i dont think sparrows live in colder countries. but the idea is there. i hope she buys it. she unfortunately caught the soccer bug which i believe will eventually kill your hopes and dreams of having a normal life. she however got me a camo bottle which she deemed appropriate for my status as an army personnel. (well though i dread it) i was actually looking for a bottle if you had read my post a few days ago about the nike bottle. the vision i had for jeanette (which we thought was retarded) occurred that day when she was actually sitting at a round table with friends aka me and nat. we were frightened.

20th June 2007

Had my passing out ceremony last week. Kind of what I was looking forward to for 3 months. its a blissful thing because it marks the day I would never see the wretched place of many nightmares again. Yet, it also marks the time I would get cut away from people I love. People like Alvin zz, Ivan, Guoquan, Sudan, Elton, Shiyan, Benedict and the heart wrenching list goes on. These people remained at Changi while another half of us would be going to tuas naval base from tomorrow onwards. due to differing book out timings, I might never ever see them again.

22nd June 2007

Started my vocation for real at tuas. actually not for real because i'll still undergo on job raining for a few weeks and i would have to stand guard ocs building during saf day and it's rehearsals to secure the area and already i am getting sick of the red bricks all over the place. haha. and did i tell you about my new location at tuas? well it can be summed up in a few pointers: air-con bunks, 1 minute walk to canteen+canteen breaks, freedom, many book-outs, many nights off, pizza, macs and botak jones@tuas, jurong point subway, movie marathons, very nice sgts, wos and officers, lakeside being the pickup point for its shuttle bus service, very generous time-outs. today and yesterday was already a great taste of what i can expect for the rest of my army life. and i cant wait to ride with the ribbs team. although it might possibly mean training with the naval divers, i do believe it would be great with the sea breeze blowing at my hair...

chickens and balding

Went out with Sophia, Evan, Martin and Amanda to surprise Cheryl but i did not finish off the objective. instead martin and me went to cut hair. really loved the Chinese jazz he was playing. i immediately imagined oriental glamor girls serenading the night scene with the then young barber, greased hair swept back would have hung out. loved also he's adorable down syndrome son on the other seat. very excellent cut and service. when you need a cut, go to the barber at one of the shop houses towards beach road. he gave us a sweet while we waited for our turn and was very gentle and i felt the grandparent-like love.

later went to meet amanda and nat and jeanette to welcome home amanda. i wanted this day to be my rest day!!!! urgh! her dog started to hump me. i then realised, yes its true that dogs are substitutes of human relationships. but i also do believe that human relationships are substitutes of a spiritual relationship with God. think about it.

Had a great time updating amanda about all that's happened. and thanks for the tactical gift, aka camouflage water bottle. wanted one. REALLY. and realized my vision of seeing jeanette at a round table with friends seem to have scarily materialized today when we were together playing snap. God i am so afraid for what i imagine now.

What generates the creative streak
The human consciousness that we all have plays an important role in art especially in the contemporary context. It defines the ability to come out with random things and hence draw connections and create things resultantly. Not everyone can do a piece of art. Like in collage, one has to consider in particular, the condition of the object plus the potential of the object. Contemporary art is seen as inartistic and easy to do, like for example an ugly quick sketch of a squirrel hung in an art museum might seem so horribly wrong because it is so easy to do and stuff unlike a Picasso. But have anyone captured the essence of rashness and the beauty of not drawing perfectly even though one could in order for the artist to capture the desired stylistic effect? These images of ugly drawings look beautiful often in a nostalgic manner. Often accompanied by high tech techniques that complete the image and using odd knob mediums in unique manners make the art even more special. Artists today do that now in reaction to too many realism and stuff, making art really boring and uncreative.

oh and ruiwen found these pictures of mitchell during taiwan which he told me about from www.doodleness.blogspot.com, an account i would have named my own blog if frogboychickenrice wasn't as eccentric enough to have came up before that.

on msn:

Frogboyness (me) says:
haha. relax. have fun in army.
Where's the bitter wall-eyed girl i fell for. (ruiwen) says:
i wanna be a commando.

esplanade presents visual farts

contains strong personal view points viewers' discretion advised. do not read if necessary. especially those people who report these strong opinions. would cause unnecessary hostile reaction but blogs are blogs. views are views. jundgement is a mere sign of life and life sucks.

i apologize to the artists but i dont think they'll like me. but artists are artists. not many were in good terms with each other throughout the centuries. and thumbs would either point up or down so suck thumb la.

Ok the more I go to the esplanade, the more anger would ripple violently through my veins. I hate what’s presented there and I hate it when foreigners come and see them. It’s such a disgrace really.

There’s this exhibit about never-ending lines creating supposedly nice big pictures. These 'artistic' tapestry would drape all over the center display of esplanade’s hall. however, what i see really are amateurish distasteful strokes. to me i felt that the lines are like evidence of a crime that unanimously revealed the artist’s incompetence. These distasteful lines form manga faces and words like ‘homework sucks’ akin to other drawings of huge sewing machines and life drawings of random people in varied positions. It’s messy, disorganized, ugly and did I mention ugly. Pencil workings are clearly visible at close up portions making the art even more unprofessional. Displayed within such beautiful architecture of a building like the esplanade, the art either serves to exist as a mockery or basically just display’s Singapore’s hopeless push to forward something so unpushable as the arts. oh but surprisingly the attempt to display the work as dramatically as possible IS commendable by the way. it was presented very well, making the piece look like something even though it is nothing really. Noting the artist’s affiliation to NUS faculty of some science, I laugh. Of all the places/people to get someone to do an art piece for a center piece, they chose the wrong elite. I guess nafa and laselle students were not available? I do recall similarly, Saint Andrews JC students made to do some hideous graffiti works for the same place which successfully uglified the façade of esplanade’s architecture, mirroring the current artistic disaster. (And we jailed a real professional graffiti vandal from Australia few years back.) what i am trying to say is sometimes Junior college and science fac people are not epitomes of all round-meritocratic successes, aesthetic ability nor does it determine visual depth. I deserve to say that because I am from a jc myself and I have not met the most creative people and the people there are not the most art smart. A fair judgment should be made and more chances for proper young artists to take center stage should be imposed ie. opportunity. resourcing the wrong elites is like barking up the wrong tree. Proper artists should do the job to represent Singapore’s art scene not the obviously unartistic. possibly reluctant, unpassioned, uninspired people to represent the art scene here in the little red dot. I hope less foreigners would thus laugh at Singapore's works of art in which I first handedly saw. It pains me when they see our displays of shameful crap this is like catching us with our pants down. which reminds me of the childhood story about the emperor parading his 'new clothes' oblivious about his naked shameful display.

And when i thought I saw the worst, there was the worst. There was a series of charcoal drawings of some inartistic pictures of some buildings, ladders and fences taking into account intent, topic and style. I was appalled by the ugliness and dullness of this. Unfortunately this art is representative of young people possibly even Singaporeans. This art should be show revolutionary insights.This art should also prove itself to be called art unfortunately it does not.

Beside these black and white rubbish, I also saw some kind of sculpture of different buildings in which upon reminiscing, I do believe I created something like that when I was in primary school for some ‘my dream home’ project. ridiculous. it unfortunately are notions of "private/public spaces" and "territory & structure" which the artist speaks of the "need for individuality and freedom along with conflicting desires for security and relationship with the community." (whatever it is, it shows no competency in presenting his own theme.) i see no "references to reality", nothing "imbued with tension or mystery" and it is not "seemingly innocent" neither is it "intensionally dark" nor "strangely humorous". its just hideous. all quotes are taken directly from the art biography of Kaifeng's work at the esplanade link from citylink towards the theatres.

Art needs to capture the essence of things. It has to look like art and it has to be intended for meaning and reaction and not to be forced as commercial use. because efficiency would be affected. resources for art should be thoroughly searched and one must note that elites do not always make the most creative things. Art has to be done in the name of it an cannot be imbued forcefully. I’m not trying to say I am that great of an art critic or someone who is unbeatable in art and such but I believe I have enough exposure through deviantart and passionately studying the subject for more than 6 years gives me the ticket to comment on what’s meant to visually speak to me.

below shows the portion of the never-ending lines piece of illustration that is laid out for close inspection of appreciators. do observe what i mean by unartistic and pencil workings left apathetically unerased. art like this should not be so messy. and below that is one of the charcoal drawings of Kaifeng. do note the artist's inability to handle the medium he used. and the unpurposed child-like presentation of a security gate thingie. if you can observe properly, the grasswas drawn in tufts , done stereotypically unprofessionally just like a young kid. belowest, is the sculpture that looks like a primary school project. with paper flags unrealistic proportioning and all.

the inedible pineapple

The vitriolic entity is at an all time low internally and is at the end of his tether. his life's portfolio epitomizes a mere quiver. his actions are inconsequential in intent and his esteem is low and gives in weak; easily. He wishes to be everyone else who has pain more tangible to spell out their fate that is more certain than being one who floats aimlessly. He wants to die and meet his Maker and not bear fighting himself against himself and go around in circles till dizziness sets in; likening a drunken stupor. He at the same time is the type who advances through the malls of materialism with an aimless countenance and goes home to embrace his loves. Still emptiness load the individual who has everything he needed; as wants ricocheted through the walls of his angst-ridden soul that he manipulates to fill up the rotted trenches of incompetence. He sits on his velvet throne and decadent comforts of his home. Jitter-tapping his fingers upon the arm rest, about to explode in affluent comforts that he never deserved.

evol live evil love

"love in it's purest form is the sweetest
when it experiences the bitterness of rejection it retreats into its cave, afraid and injured to venture out in search of adventure again.
when that love dies out, it loses it's ambiance.
the burning flames that fuels one passion comes from within one's determination to overcome tribulations, and the selflessness to love and be loved again.
in the face of adversities, true love will not succumb nor crumble
to fulfill it's purpose, love needs compromise
yet the harsh reality of love is ironically a two face deception filled with exhilaration and emptiness at two ends."
by: ting si yan (nric s9144125z -so young.)
www.swf.sg, 100-word epic challenge 2 years ago.

whatever this poem meant, it manage to clinch 2nd in 2005's Singapore's writers festival competition entitled 'love'. it's misleading confusing and messy. forgiving her adolescent misconceptions of what love is which isn't as simple as she put it to be, i do need wonder if she had enough experience to encapsulate the unexplainable complexity of this human emotion that had detested all tradition endured all adversity instincted in all society yet is impalpable and intangibly empty in nature. it had bitten and had been instilled it had been forced down it had been snatched away from it leaves one knee fallen and dead ruining the sinew as it eats one from inside out or it could enlift and make someone fly and run up invisible stairs in semi spiritual bliss from just a little burst or spur of it.
~
listen and go download:

1. x-ray by the maccabees
2. maybe say by zootwoman
3. last to know by pink
4. sex by peaches
5. ghettoblaster by armand vanhelden

~
found an interesting picture by boobookittyfuck.
i wonder if it is right to punch him or not and if whether seeing him so bloodied is a joyous reason to celebrate or not. cheers. happy staring with shock at this heart stopping image. cheers.

mid teen mediocity

"i'm in the mood of suicide."

listening to:
the ultra perverse song by Mika, love today

to grab. confirm.

• volcom t shirt with smiley design or twist design from flash and splash $32
• "mr funny" t shirt from queens couture $49
• nike small (gay pink)water bottle $6
  

soccer fanatics? get a life.
gamers? never leave your com cos i never want to see you littering the world with your presence.
nerds? study real hard and die please.

C.C.C
she didnt say what i did wrong
she didnt look like she cared
i guessed i was merely another slab of meat to her
her way of telling me was so frustrating
i felt like bashing her afterward
she didn't even look at me
she merely expected me to accept her decision

i left with my heart on the seat i sat
i felt the course was a fulfilling the experience
i hope i do have a good time too.
i still wish you had known me for me
not what you thought i was
judge me again. properly.
thanks again for rejecting me so abruptly.
thanks for leaving the pain last in suspense
you m____f____ blind a_____.

trying to meet to other people's expectations and pride
are two of the most fatal and destructive attributes of someone to oneself.

a silas marner moment

simple appreciation of company.
where we look forward to nothing else but each other.
unconditional.
open.
caring about nothing else in the world moment.
"i'm glad we are friends."
"i'm really glad too."

show me the noney

lack Death by SimiArbeit

songs to download this week:

1. we used to be friends by the dandy warhols
2. wonderfall (cover of oasis) by cat power
3. catch you by sophie ellis-bextor
4. totally addicted to base by puretone
   
5. divine by tatu
6. a death in the family by the prize fighter inferno

things i would want to get every month. yes i've planned. list increases:

• Cadbury milk chocolate from candy empire $4
• GQ magazine june edition with Jessica Alba on the cover $11
• Art Now vol. 1 book from kinokuniya $30
• Volcom black slim fit tee (assorted designs) $32
• Richard Dawkin's Delusion from kinokuniya $40
• Dance Nation 2007 ministry of sound cd $49
• Black crumpler haversack from paragon $76
• Semi slim tie from Country Road $78

an email

ok i got this message from my youth pastor and in it i see a video with my brother acting (lousily) in it. i was kind of guffawing at the whole attraction this was meant to mean to me. but i do recognize the hard work put in and stuff and also i do believe primary doubting stages have been long gone.

Hi Melvin,

Have you ever being caught in a situation as bad as this? Click on the link to watch the video: http://www.r-ageya.com/critics.html

As you can see from the video, a group of friends were chilling out at the school cafe after classes. Inevitably, someone touches on the subject of the Jesus.
Then Doug, the opinionated, self-proclaiming expert in any field exclaimed, "I think the story of Jesus is a farce. It is a fantasy tale like Star Wars or Lord of the Rings." He then went on to proclaim: "No intelligent person believes that a man named Jesus ever lived and then died on the cross. Certainly no rational person could believe that a man so tortured and killed could rise from the dead."
The discussion table was silent. Then Doug targets his eyes on you and said: "Hey, Melvin, what about you? I know you go to church every Sunday and you believe in this Jesus. How about it? If you can give me one piece of evidence for Jesus outside the Bible, I’ll listen to one piece of evidence about Jesus from the Bible."
You silently prayed for help as you mind races to remember any sermon, any scrap of information you could retrieve to satisfy this demanding inquisitor. But nothing came to mind and you bravely responded: "Doug, it’s a matter of faith. You just have to believe and when you do, everything falls in place." "Faith! Doug laughed. "How about foolishness, folly, or just plain bedtime stories and fables to comfort you in the night? No offense man. You believe what you want to believe. But before I place my ‘faith’ in someone who claimed to be God and died for my sins, then rose from the dead, I would have to see some proof. I don’t think that is asking too much, do you?

You looked down on the salad you were eating and the discussion table was silent again.
Not only were you unable to offer any evidence to Doug, your credibility as a Christian witness suffered greatly amongst your circle of friends.

i never really felt that Jesus' story was at all falsity. i know that outside the bible, there were many reports and articles that do state Jesus' activities. his existence is confirmed and doings are roughly definite. however in terms of
his Godly proclamations and the lack of consistency, accountability and proof, it sometimes shakes my faith in him.

"Doug, it’s a matter of faith. You just have to believe and when you do, everything falls in place."

well, this quote is uncannily true sadly. all roots religion go, will end up in a supernatural aspect that requires the belief in the unseen and often unprovable/implicit/emotional reasons.in fact the more reasonable or explainable it can be argued to, the more scientific and rational which eventually becomes, the less Godly he becomes for we know his intentions and methodologies making us equal or not smarter. hence you should have now noted the oxymoronic nature of God where his mere existence itself becomes a mind stunner.
i believe to win the hearts of men and women thorugh evangelism, he or she should firstly be highly unfulfilled a person. this was moralistic and purpose driving can be done to salvate.

failure rocks

upon hearing the words that spelt out doom
oh the thrilling feeling of wastedness and opportunity.
it leaves just a physical entity and fallen soul
you drift into a moment of thoughtlessness
an all-encompassing aura of heartbreak
like accidentally dropping a fatal explosive
but you die inside.
the assimilation of fighting spirit encircles the angry gut
you feel dissapointment and hatred at all vague and possible causes
and also the inner tension almost pops
the feeling of wastedness and ruptured opportunity
the feeling of being cheated as the much deserved becomes a self mockery.
you hate yourself but blame everything else.
life sucked even more.

failure happens my friends
failure rocks.

surreeal so real

an extract

I gave him some money, and when he insisted on playing me a tune, I chose 'nobody's child'.
All the way home, through the stranded, bereft streets the song was in my ears.

No mummy's kisses and no daddy's smiles,
nobody wants me,
i'm nobody's child.

such maudlin words. I had no idea why i'd chosen it. my mother was dead and my father was dying that's all I knew...

-Disturbance by Jamie O'Neill

paris hilton is still in jail la. i saw the pic of her crying in the police car. ;-(

what i'm digging today:
madison avenue: dont call me baby
daphne khoo: paper
puretone: totally addicted to base
bananarama: move in my direction

basically i am still lazy and have not been reading the bible... but i had the gut to read Richard's rants again and found new ways of phrasing the religious tribulations i encompass.
but i decided not to put them here after 8 hours cos it's not helping.

went to haji lane today 30 minutes too early with my mum. cos i was thinking of introducing to her some new stores. well i think she liked the place considering she spent $200 there within less than an hour. then i went to church and met Jon and celest. celest still prefers jon over gabby. ;-P

my birthday is coming and i am celebrating it with a few other june babies from my class. we are probably having a class rekindling gathering where it involves a time capsule, food and fun. hope it'd be a success. my class has been known to have many failed attempts to get back together. very unlike my other friends.

he stands so strong and arrogant beside me, he thinks his head is above the clouds. he raises his status by pushing others' down, stripping away all your efforts and initiatives. he is a fierce competitor all out to rise above the rest. his welcoming facade and pleasant smile can be interpreted as one of a cunning devil. cyf.

the blurred surreal is so real
as it overcast my weary eyes
floating bright lights
the gravel on the ground sits coarse
i heaved and hoed
semiconscious
my legs ran on auto at a
pace i'm not allowed to alter
i needed to halt but regimentation over negotiation pushed me on
and on

still being too slow, i was, am and will never be good enough.

gabriel and celestine

listening to:
gym class heroes: cupid's chokehold
goldfrapp: oh lala
calvin harris: the girls
justice: d.a.n.c.e

Gabriel and Celestine
This was one of the most memorable day ever. it kindled a certain recklessness and rashness in life i always needed to experience that breaks away from such a predictable environment i had always lived in. i brought nat and celest to my unit's night party thing at Coasta Sands Island Resort @ pasir ris. I had to bring them for i have no other girls to bring.(i do not really like my female classmates anymore) and thank god celest and natalie were actually quite open to it and what happened today was possibly beyond anyone's expectations.
nat was a great companion and was convincing enough a gf making many from my unit very jealous i think. earlier on i was asked by my 17 year old platoon mate who came from australia (hence no female friends) for a companion and i agreed to his request, looking at his sad pathetic look. i did consider the safety of celest/nat if i would mix them with him but Gabriel Feng is so innocent, i compelled without much hesitant. i only expected Gab and Celest to strut in tgt and then part but things went all the way.
there are so many people in this world with so many lives of their own and when so world-apartly they seem to realm themselves within, glass shatters and silence breaks. celest was a great help and actually held his arm when we had to present our dates to our sergeants. things went beyond my expectations as they drank together finishing each other's drinks, laughed and all, they clicked so well. going back home was the funniest, when we had him drunk enough to follow us back all the way to Jurong aka the other side of Singapore and pay for our taxi trip. and they even made the taxi driver drunk and worry about the future generation of Singaporeans. they even exchanged numbers and calling to ensure they gave one another their real number. that is real evidence of a possible spark. when me and nat dropped off at our place, he switched place from front seat to sit beside celest. oh so nice of him.(i would expect the total taxi fare he had to pay to be $50+-) when i reached home to write about this ,celest called me cos she left something with me and when i asked her is she home yet, she said she and gabriel didn't go home but instead, went with her to macs and they are currently hanging out tgt right this moment! wow.
but i believe this would just be celestine's fling cos he got to return to australia to study in his uni some UWA or something which from what nat says even some of her rj friends couldnt enter despite their good results. he's probably rich to stay in australia and also he is not too bad for celest. (note they wore the same thing aka black top and jeans). celest still has got 1 year and 4 months left to fling around with him.
oh well life continues to unfold it's amazing tapestry of destiny.
~tomorrow's another history.

see you later innovator

*The jewel eyed smily with the male symbol for a growth is a little badge TOPMAN is selling i think for $5. its for some cancer thingie so its cool.

looking atthe street kids, i realised some things about what people wear.

you find you are the only person trying to look fine and dandy but when you walk through haji lane you find narssissistic people taking advantage of the desertion and snap photos of themselves in their sun dress. some people also wear their look. you know how some people are born with a nerdish look and i see people taking advantage of that and exaggerating it with huge glasses and nerd shirts and walah, you have the paul smith look. i cannot stand the standards of dressing some people throw on at times, dont they know first impressions are significant and socially vital from relational to career-wise? clothes are just as expensive as gaming but clothes are more reality checking, self improving hobby to adopt. plus you help the economy and it is not a sin and not weight gaining. i hate the saturated topman street style when i see it in bright sunny places. they should remain in alleys and dark corners. or far east. when the weather is nice, put on some laidback cool non-ripcurl summer wear. not some humid looks i dont know how to explain it but ya. sometimes people are also caught up with the shirt (often with sleeves folded up abit, or even worse with the collar up) and jeans combi. or the polo tee (with the collar up tucked out) and 3/4 pants. some times off the rack things must be tailored. 3/4s kneeless pants should all now be 1/2 aka shorts. its proven by agnes b that shorts is in when she priced her pair of grey shorts at s$240. shirt sleeves could also be done alternatively like how the army folds their no.4s. long sleeves could be folded into short sleeves to give a i dont give a damn about it look. tucking in makes you look like a person mocking the rigidity of school uniforms and tuck yours in like an unstylish teacher, although you seem to be capable of otherwise makes you even even more stylish tenfold. its how the emomat look formulated anyway. this is a prep look btw. sometimes accesories give the most say and the more ingenious you throw in a random object on you, the cooler you become. people like weiyan are so hip cos she uses her brother's rifle cleaning kit as a wallet and i donno, i think i saw her use some toys in her jewellery and some other weird nick nacks here and there... from the pictures you see how just folding of your skinny jeans and slipping on slippers is an alternative look to your polo and jeans. plus, self tailoring is also interesting see the picture with just the back of that person? the hems and stuff are all home made ammaturishly. yes i know fashion journalism should be reserved for someone else i know who said something about fashion being childish, i would end here as someone else on the other side of the globe pays for his or her luxury branded goods at the counter of just one of the many stores which are mere faucets that link up the huge billion dollar in industry taht has captivated the world and have made the world a prettier sight.

mozart's symphony

Doing the same thing the entire day made me feel like dying on friday. my 'job' is making me suicidal cos i am not the kind that can tahan boring activities. i really went quite bezerk that day. i would talk alot and then suddenly not talk at all. i would not reply anyone. my buddy Mensono beside me must have thought i was mad. and during the shoot, i had varied scores ranging from all hit but one, to bo bo shooter consecutively. i was really going crazy. i did this shoot from early morning 4.15 in the morning to 12.50 the next morning. i became a floating zombie. and i didnt go to church and i am so guilt ridden. but i liked the casino royale visit in celestine's house. we had canadian pizza and an almost alcoholic experience.

oh and hurray, i am really glad Nat and Celest are gonna save my ass next friday for my ssc nite thingie. or else, I'd be a real loser being confined with a few others or something. at least i didn't have to bring a sister too thats even more loserish. some were even desperate enough to think about bringing their maid or mother before the age limit was set. ha. ha.
We have achieved a new sensibility comparatively before the age of science vs now.i realized that God is more of a designer than a scientist. his creations, creative as they are can be really scientifically complex because methodology has to run in any design. a water-dam design requires an architect to have knowledge from hydrolics to mathematics. similarly an artist needs to understand the science of cropping and balance. Note its not because of cropping and balance that artists do what they do but they need to set a set of rules that would could be scientific, unaesthetic and ironically even mathematical so as to finish the picture well. we are not scientific biological beings but images of God.if we seek scientific reasons to prove his existence, it's like counting the rhythmic sets in Mozart's symphony to prove it is in fact his symphony. or to check the boldness of strokes and paint density to prove Picasso's works. it just doesnt present a big picture and lost the focus and hence purpose of the beautiful creation.

its sad my grandma seeks the doctor much more desperately than she seeks god for help when she's sick. science has made us less Dependant on God.
my mum is proud of me and that i have never repaid with love. i should learn from my dad's patience and strength in the light of stormy situations.my parents are role models. glad i have them.
church has opened up my emotional quotion within myself. making me step out of the worldly comfort-zonal norms. which is good or I'd end up living a lie.
i've actually became a bully in army and i cannot help it sometimes.to reach the top, i have to selfishly trample on the weak and sometimes things do go far. i am guilty but still yet to be repentant.
Suddenly met reuben and ruiwen again on the streets this time in some alley in bugis where they were having some meal at some cafe while i was attempting my steamboat outing with my platoon mates. as usual, reuben was overdressed and still wearing the same skinny grey jeans thingie and ruiwen was donning a severely tapered look. he apparently want to go clubbing with his cprl. who is apparently mine as well.
i hate it when too loud becomes too hideous, too branded becomes too unapproachably snobbish, too cheap makes me too cheap. too tight becomes too disgusting. too fleshy becomes sick.
and feeling the love...